All She Wanted Was a Couple of Candles and Hair Conditioner

All she wanted was a couple of candles and hair conditioner.

Five minutes later she was walking into Walmart.
(first mistake)
Five minutes after that she was in the "SAVE TIME - SELF SERVE" line ; 4 candles, 1 bottle of conditioner, 1 box of hair color (blonde, of course), 5 bananas
(second mistake)
Reusable bag into the bagging area.
(third mistake)
Took bag off.
Hit button that says, "I brought my own bag."
Put bag back into the bagging area.
Swiped 4 candles, 1 conditioner, 1 box of hair color (blonde, of course), 5 bananas.
No sweat.
Time to enter the coupons.
(fourth mistake)
2 x $2.00 off large candles
2 x $1.00 off small candles
1 x $3.00 off box of hair color (blonde, of course)
1 x $1.50 off hair conditioner
"Please wait for assistance."
Register wasn't happy with the 2 $2.00 off coupons.
Cashier Assistant (CA) came over and took all items out of the reusable bag.
(fifth mistake)
CA punched a bunch of buttons.
CA canceled the order.
PYB explained the issue.
(sixth mistake)
CA didn't understand.
PYB explained the issue.
"You know what? Just take the two large candles off."
CA swiped 2 small candles, 1 conditioner, 1 box of hair color (blonde, of course), 5 bananas.
CA reswiped the one offending $2 coupon.
(seventh mistake)
CA called the Cashier Manager.
"Seriously, let's just take the candles off," she had been there a good 5 minutes at that point.
"NawIgonmakeitwark."
Huh?
It didn't work. Machine was opened, buttons were punched, "Themcandle'llbetrsmellgood," (huh?), more buttons punched.
(eighth mistake)
"CA,yougontakeherstufftoyurregstr."
Huh?
CA gathers up 2 small candles, 1 conditioner, 1 box of hair color (blonde, of course), 5 bananas.
20 minutes later the PYB was heading to her car.

Read her lips: She.will.never.shop.at.Walmart.again. EVER. The never-ending frustration sears her to her soul. That being said, CA and CM did their best to fix her problem....although it wasn't fixed completely. But seriously, has ANYONE gone through the self-checkout unscathed???

All she wanted was a couple of candles and hair conditioner.

The Daily Ryans......

The PYB has realized she has not shared The Daily Ryans with the blogosphere and has kept him all tied up on the Facebook page. Enjoy (she will....again).

Gonna Start Walking in the Morning? 7 Advantages and Disadvantages....

It's getting to be freaking HOT outside (umm, PYB...it's June. Yeah, she knows) so her on-again/off-again walking routine has Got.To.Change. Walking in the late afternoon or early evening is just out of the question unless you want to turn into a puddle. So, being that she must be at work by 7am to whip Boys 1-3 into shape for the day she has to now get up  at 4:30 to squeeze in the walk. Here are the advantages and disadvantages she has amassed thus far. 

ADVANTAGES: 

1. It gets it over for the day.

2. It eliminates the need to drink an entire pot of coffee in the morning. Three quarters of a pot works just fine.

3. Her legs feel great!

4. It's still dark. No one is around to see her sucking wind while trudging up The Hill of Death.

5. No need for slathering on sticky sunscreen which only makes her sweat more profusely when wearing it.

6. Most sane people are still in bed thereby eliminating the need to dodge cars while staggering down the road (no sidewalks in her neighborhood).

7. The cold shower afterwards feels delicious!

DISADVANTAGES: 

1. Getting up at 4:30am.

2. It's still freakin' hot.

3. Bedtime at 9pm is a necessity. That's hard for a lifetime night owl.

4. Her body is in complete shock and wants to know what the hell is going on. It's used to sitting quietly with a pot of coffee and NPR in the morning.

5. Every dog in the neighborhood knows she's walking by no matter how quiet she tries to be. The heavy breathing and wheezing might be a giveaway.

6. It does nothing to squelch her appetite in the a.m. She's ravenous.

7. She ends up going through 2 pairs of panties and two bras each day.

The PYB is hopeful that the advantages outweigh the disadvantages in the long run. Ok, she's gonna go take a nap.

8 Memories of Being a Mom....so far

The PYB has two daughters with whom is infinitely proud and loves more than life itself. As of this writing they are 24 (Caitlin) and 19 (Emma) which, of course, is hard to believe as most parents will understand. The cliche, "It's gone by so fast," isn't exactly a cliche; it's truth. Here are a few of the standout moments that The PYB hopes she'll always remember even when she's the Fat Old Bald Broad in room 422 who can't even remember her name and bites people.

1. The Births

The first pregnancy was scary as hell and worrisome, but she was SO relieved to have a daughter! The whole circumcision decision was a moot point and one less thing to worry about. Besides, the PYB didn't have brothers and had no idea what she would have done with a boy. Dressing a baby girl was much more fun! Pregnancy number two was pretty much textbook and, as with the first, she didn't know the sex of the baby. Et voila! Une autre fille! Another circumcision decision deflected! But seriously, the birth of a child truly takes one's ego and self-centeredness out of the picture and that is done freely.

The Emma

Caitlin and Emma

2. Toddler-hood

Who else but a toddler can find fascination in a blade of grass or spend hours with a $1 bag of plastic dinosaurs? Toddler-hood helps us grown-ups re-discover the glories in the mundane and everyday stuff.  Caitlin, who, by the way, came by her name from the back of an Elvis Costello album; his first wife was named Caitlin, came to work with her mother quite a bit during her toddler-hood years. The PYB worked at the High Museum of Art and had an office in the basement. Caitlin would spend the day in a ginormous box playing with her toys and accepting the admiration of the security guards who'd come in during their breaks. 

3. Soccer

Both the Petites Jeunes Filles Brunettes played soccer; Caitlin from first grade to college and Emma from age three to age 18 (her college soccer career was cut short by a major concussion 2 days into fall training).  The PYB had never experienced soccer before her daughters played and was soon an avid fan. For Caitlin, The PYB's best memory of her play was at a night game, U 16 or 17, and she made a goal from half field and it was bloody spectacular! The PYB just about lost her mind! It was truly beautiful. With Emma, a goalkeeper, the PYB's favorite memory was during a shoot-out for a tournament championship. She made what ended up being a game winning save only if the next player on her team scored. Emma was the next player on the team to kick and, yes, she scored. Again...the PYB lost her mind and she might have even cried over that one...

Young Keeper, Older Keeper, Defender/Middie/Forward

Soccer was their family time. It could not have been spent in a better way: together every weekend, fellowship with other families, a game that involved mind, body and spirit.  They even followed their Atlanta Beat, a WUSA professional women's soccer team, to North Carolina, Boston, and Philadelphia. Best summer EVER! She really does miss that now that they're grown.

4. College time for Caitlin

Caitlin...the girl who was so very shy most of her life, unless she was on a soccer field...the girl who a week before going to college wasn't comfortable even calling for a pizza...decided to go out of state for college. Truly shocking! Of course, the PYB was worried sick, but Caitlin did great. Not only did she graduate with a double major but she also went to Greece for a study abroad program and ended up staying six months, traveled to Spain, Turkey, Egypt (rode a camel and went to a soccer game  - women not allowed - hair tucked into a hoodie - NOT a good idea) and spent a month on an archeological dig in Greece and met Billy Zane. So glad she had those experiences. Caitlin has been to places the PYB will only see in photos.

Caitlin....in Eqypt....on a camel....duh.

5.  Emma and chorus

Emma's childhood dream was to be a singing waitress/dolphin trainer who lived in a pink house as the Princess of Woodstock, GA (we never lived there, but her aunt and cousins do). So, the dolphin trainer ambition fell to the wayside as did anything to do with the color pink, but the singing stayed true. She began chorus in 3rd grade and stuck with it throughout high school. PYB's proudest moment: the solo part in a Christmas performance. In true fashion the PYB didn't have extra batteries in her camera to film the entire song, but was able to record most of it. 

6. Books

Both of the PYB's daughters love to read! This makes her infinitesimally happy! It was touch and go with The Emma at first, but she eventually came around. 

7. Last year's Mother Day gift

It made more of a difference than they'll ever know and the PYB appreciates the effort it took...even though she's pretty sure it was their dad's idea. It hit home; where it was supposed to.

8. Love (this gets personal)

Caitlin & Emma - I love you. I love you more than there are stars in the sky. I truly can't believe your early lives were intrusted to me to grow and nurture. I am not worthy.  You've taught me more than I've ever taught you. Caitlin - I love your sense of adventure and knowledge. You are so smart; so much your father's daughter. I'm so happy you're working on the bookshop with us; I miss you not being at home. Emma - your dry sense of humor makes me laugh and I'm glad we share the love of all things vintage. You've been my favorite keeper and always will be although I'll miss watching you play, however, I'm glad your brain is still intact from hitting the ground so many times and that you're close by for college and happy.  ~ Mom

Bad Day/Bright Side?

Holy cow. In the PYB's quest to see the bright things in the dark she had her work cut out for her today. So here goes...

1. Even though it took 30 minutes to finally reach a live person at the mail order prescription place via her health plan  she managed NOT to stroke out although she could feel her blood pressure rising.

2. Even though she had two phone calls from superintendents that weren't happy and Boy 1, her boss, is on vay-cay, she was able to diffuse the situations.

3. Even though she had to fight rush hour traffic and go from one side of Atlanta to the other she managed not to go into full fledged road rage therefore not tripping the delicate balance that is her expired license.

4. Even though, after fighting the traffic, and after she treated herself to a Yogli Mogli, and finding her battery dead, she is grateful for her Rachel at her 2nd job who rescued her AND that she knows how to jump a car as this is a reoccurring issue for her.

5. Even though the mail order pharmacy called the PYB back but couldn't discuss why she was calling because the prescription was for her 18 yr daughter and the rep "can't discuss the reason for the call; please have your daughter call us back" even though the PYB ordered and paid for the prescription, she managed not to be completely and totally rude. (as it turns out it was just a courtesy call to let said daughter know when it will be mailed.  Damn HIPPA).

6. Even though it was an unusually weird & frustrating day she has a nice bottle of Riesling to sooth her and is just glad to be home.

Phobia

The day had been going so well.

She was productive at work even with the paranormal experience. She hit the library book sale and only made it to the fiction tables Z-S (she'll go back tomorrow). Then it was dinner at her favorite Mexican restaurant where she was leisurely enjoying an exquisite piece of grilled salmon atop a bed of spring mix with dried cranberries & almonds drizzled with a mango vinaigrette. Such a good day.

Until.

The Mariachis. 

Showed up.

Check please!

BIRTHDAY RANT AHEAD! WARNING!

She has to renew her Georgia driver's license as it expires TODAY. This is what she now needs to take with her to prove who she is:

1. Passport or birth certificate (certified!!)

2. Marriage certificate since her name is not the same as the one on her birth certificate

3. 2 proofs of address

4. 1 proof of social security number

She does not have her birth certificate and has sent away for that two weeks ago. She doesn't know how fast the Okies will get that back to her. She doesn't know where her marriage certificate is and JUST found out about that one today. It can be a photocopy but can't copy what you can't find.

She have lived here for 26 years. She has paid taxes here for 26 years. She has birthed two children here. She has received and paid traffic tickets here. If the State of Georgia doesn't know who she is by now then they're just too stupid.

THIS.IS.RIDICULOUS.

She's taking up a collection for the ticket she most definitely will get for driving with an expired license. She's gotta go to work for crying out loud. And, who knows, maybe they throw you in jail for it now.

Just damn, Georgia. Get.it.together.

A Break Up Letter to the Flu

Dear Flu,

The PYB is breaking up. It’s not her; it’s you.

Yes, at one time she was feverish over you and would strip down to nothingness just to cool off. But, you are a fickle one and would instantly chill her to the point of making her teeth chatter. There wasn't enough flannel in the house to make it stop. She wants no more of this!

Her body ached for you like none other. It wasn’t a longing type of ache but a reaching-into-her-bones-and-stirring-the-marrow kind of ache; one that hit her to the core of her being and bruised her from the inside out. She wants no more of this!

You tired her, so. The utter exhaustion you rained upon her wore thin.    And because of the pain you caused it has been hard for her to rest; she couldn't get it off her mind. She wants no more of this!

But, still, you didn't stop. You messed with her head: the headaches, the dizziness, the confusion. Tylenol would give her temporary relief, but she needs a healthy liver so Flu, you must go. She wants no more of this!

She has a new influence in her life now.

You see, the PYB has met Tami. Tami treats her well and soothes her pain and suffering. Tami may be expensive, but has proven to be worth every dollar. It was a rough night, but Tami got her through and is making you, you disgusting Flu, a slowly fading memory. Each day, she is certain, will get better from here on out and she has Tami to thank for that. 

Go on, now. Be gone. You are no longer wanted here...not that you ever were. If you even THINK about coming back, think again. Tami is introducing the PYB to the SHOT; known to be a bit of a prick, but loyal. She has quit you, Flu.

The Stranger Factor

Today the PYB was listening to a podcast called Snap Judgement. Several of the episodes are stories about lives being transformed by the act of a stranger. Here's the PYB's....

While at student at THE Ohio State University the PYB had a piddly, part-time job in a Fotomat booth. Remember those? Her shift was from 3p-7p and then she'd make a bank drop on her way home. 

This particular Monday was routine, but it was the Monday after the turning the clocks back so it was pretty dark by 7p. When she arrived at the bank she pulled up to the curb and got out of her car to put the deposit in the bank slot. The lights around the bank were out so it was fairly dark. As she made a few steps toward the building two men came running around the corner of the bank with pantyhose over their heads. Honestly, pantyhose. She thought that only happened in movies, “Son, you got a pantie on your head,” (Raising Arizona). Immediately, the PYB tried to dash back into her car and was screaming her head off, but she didn't get the door shut in time. The robbers pulled her out and punched her in the face to shut her up and her glasses went flying off. Still screaming like a madwoman (she was) she was fighting back and trying to get loose. The guys grabbed the deposit from her hand, all $90 of it, and her book bag which contained a Glamour magazine, a tampon and her wallet. The asshole who punched her gave her a push and then they were gone.

She was so stunned she just stood there for a moment and then tried to find her glasses. How could she drive home without them? Truly she’s blind without them. A car pulled up behind hers and, thinking it was the robbers again, she jumped into her car and squinted her way to the gas station next door to call the police. Yes, this happened before the advent of cell phones. She wasn't making any sense to the gas attendant in the glass box while trying to explain what had happened and that she needed the police when a voice behind her said, "Don't worry, we saw everything and my cousin is chasing after them." 

The voice belonged to a young woman named Carmen Kerr. She and her family had been walking back to their car from a restaurant and heard the PYB screaming. They were in the car that pulled up behind the PYB at the bank. Carmen hopped out and ran after the PYB to the gas station while the rest of her family followed the robbers in their car. Lo and behold, they got close enough to write down the license plate number and then drove to the gas station to talk to the police that had arrived. About twenty minutes later the assholes were caught on the other side of Columbus with the PYB’s book bag and deposit.

Because of the involvement of strangers the three thugs were caught. Two were brothers and one of them had just been released from jail; he’d been serving time for manslaughter. There had been four, but they kicked one guy out. There was, after all, only $90 in the envelope and they probably couldn’t divide that by four.

Carmen and her family very well could have saved the PYB’s life that night as the thugs had a sizable knife with them (it was left in her book bag after the trial was over). The assholes were sentenced to six to eight years and hopefully they served all of it, but probably not.

That night the PYB asked Carmen for her address. She knows she wanted to send her flowers, but doesn’t remember if she did or not. However, she does remember sending a thank you card. Carmen gave the PYB a deposit slip that had her name and address on it. It was from Society Bank. The PYB has kept that slip in her wallet all these years. She’s looking at it now. She often wonders where Carmen is and if she understands the impact she has had on a complete stranger’s life and if she even remembers the incident. 

The PYB certainly does.

The Petite Young Blonde's Guide to the New Year: The 2013 Edition

Compliment one person every day.  It may just be what someone needs to hear to turn that person’s day around.

Be patient with the fast food worker taking your drive-thru order. His job already sucks and the intercoms are cheap. He’s probably doing the best he can.

 Take your old towels and stacks of newspapers to an animal shelter.

Write and send a love letter.

 Treat yourself to a luxurious bath: bubbles or bath salt, scented candle, wine and a good book (don’t drop the book – she speaks from experience). Do this at least once a week. It’s relaxing and helps one to decompress.

Not exactly what the PYB's looks like......

Leave extra grocery coupons on the shelves next to the items for which they can be used. It’s always a nice surprise to find them.

If you use toll roads pay for the person behind you. Again, it’s a nice surprise.     

     

           Smile.

Get enough sleep. This may require laying down the law with kids or putting the Stupid Damn Cat (PYB’s night-time nemesis) in the basement. Melatonin can help. The people around you during the day will thank you. It’s beats being a cranky-ass.

You know the little things that piss you off on a daily basis and tend to put in you in a bad mood? Try just shaking your head and snicker about them instead. Just try it. Anger can wreck the whole day/life.

And bouncing off the guideline above – laugh at yourself.  As a good friend always tells the PYB: it’s content.

Go to a museum, a play, a ballet, or listen to some live music. Feed your creative/artistic side (yes, you have one; you just may need to find it).

Turn your phone off (!!!!) and read a book or listen to some Elvis Costello (sheloveshim).

Need to fix a rift between yourself and a friend/parent/relative? Fix it - starting today.

Tell the people you love that you do – often. No one ever gets tired of hearing it!

I love you a lot. I love you passionately. I love you like crazy.

    

And finally, remember life is short so always, ALWAYS drink good coffee.

May you have a prosperous, spirited and mentally-nutritious 

Happy New Year!

PYB and Her First True Best Friend

It was a long time ago; when lime green and gold where the "hot" decorating colors of the day. The PYB had just moved...again. She had already been to 3 different elementary schools and there she was in yet another new place that she had to get used to. This time it was in Grand Prairie, TX. One would think a kid would get used to having to adjust to a new school, but for a shy third grader it just wasn't so. 

The morning after the movers left the doorbell rang and the PYB and her Petite Soeur beat their Mama to the door and flung it wide open.  There, on the small concrete porch, stood two boys. Boys! They were standing there with muffins or danish of some sort saying hello, welcome to the neighborhood and they lived next door. Boys. For crying out loud. Why couldn't they be girls?? That move couldn't have become any worse in the PYB's opinion.

We learned the boys were Spencer, a 6th grader, and Kirk, a third grader like the PYB. At some point during the next few days the PYB's parents became acquainted with the boys' parents and little did they know at the time it was to be a lifelong friendship. She remembers thinking that the boys' mom, Nadine, was so beautiful, so kind and made really good breakfast food. It was decided between Mama and Nadine that Kirk, since he was her same age, would accompany the PYB to the bus on Monday and sit with her to and from school for the first week. She thought they had lost their minds! Sit with a BOY on the bus? No way. Surely he wouldn't agree to that either. Never.Gonna.Happen.

On Monday The PYB and Kirk were sitting on the bus not saying a word to each other.  Spencer, on the other hand, was taunting them making the situation even less desirable.

It went on that way for a week and the next week and the week after that and so on, but by the second week they were talking and even going to each other's house to play. They spent hours and hours together. If her memory serves her correctly Kirk taught her to roller skate (metal skates hooked to one's shoes). He also taught her how to shuffle cards; she can see him in her mind's eye sitting on the floor of his parent's living room one leg tucked up under him and the other bent so his chin would rest on his knee, rocking back and forth while they played card games. They'd build villages out of cards all down the hallway of his house. They'd watch Shirley Temple movies on Sunday afternoons and Little Rascals after school. They laughed a lot. On the weekends they'd spend time with her sister, his brother and the PYB's crazy cousin, Jami, while all their parents played poker, drank and smoked. She loved living there and she loved her best friend, Kirk.

After about a year she had to move again. And they lost touch. She's only seen him on several occasions since. He got married and still lives near his folks. Her parents stayed in touch with his parents through the years and all the moves  and eventually the PYB's parents wound up back in Grand Prairie so she'd hear snippets of info about her childhood friend and how he was fairing.

The PYB has now learned from her father that Kirk's dad has been diagnosed with stage 4 lung cancer which makes her heart so heavy. The PYB's mom had lung cancer and died as a result of a complication of surgery and radiation. She wants to reach out and give Kirk a virtual hug...she's hoping to connect with him soon. He probably doesn't know what his friendship meant to the PYB all those years ago and she wants to waste no more time in telling him.

Here's to the first best friends in our lives - cheers!

The Daily Ryan

This Seems To Be Happening A Lot More Lately...

Dear Sears Parts Department,

All the PYB needed was copy of a receipt to complete an expense report so she called the number on the Visa statement. She was informed that the number was no longer in service; try this new one. Ok, she did that.  After getting through the obstacle course of the phone tree she was on hold for seven minutes. Did you know that Sears parts recommends you change the water filter every 6 mo? Then the phone rang – hurrah!

**static** “Your call cannot be completed as dialed”

Are you freaking kidding?

So, she tries again. This time she was on hold for 4 minutes after being sent through the phone tree and was so excited when someone answered she hit the disconnect button instead of taking it off the speaker. FML.

So, she tries AGAIN. Immediately she screams, “CUSTOMER SERVICE!!!” and lo and behold it rings straight through and someone answers.

*dances jig*

The PYB explains what she needs and wouldn’t ya know, “M’am, I can’t help you here. Let me connect you with the correct department….” Ok, at least it’s progress.

New rep answers, she explains again what she needs and, “M’am, this is for home appliances. You need to call 1-800 blah blah blah.” She tries to remain polite as that’s what her Mama taught her.

So, she tries again. Immediately placed on hold…again. Did you know Sears is your one stop shop for all your appliance needs? 3, 4, 5 minutes tick by. Then the phone rings – hurrah! Finally, she has found her customer service guru and he has all the right answers. It only took about 30 minutes total.  Sometime between now and MAYBE the end of the day she should receive the missing receipt  via email that was supposed to arrive via USPS in the first place.

Sears…GET.IT.TOGETHER.

Sincerely,

The PYB

An Open Letter to United Healthcare

Dear UH,

It took her approximately 10 minutes to get to a live person when she tried to call you about an issue she was having. First she had to get through your blasted computer lady.


“To get started first tell me why you are calling,” the smooth, calming computer voice said.

PYB: Benefits

“Now tell me your ID number.”

PYB: 231321534643123 (then she coughs)

“I heard (repeats number) is that correct?”

PYB: No

“Please repeat the ID number”

PYB: 6479431647646464 (withheld cough)

“I heard (repeats number) is that correct?” She swears there was a tone in the voice that time, “is THAT correct you stupid human who can’t enunciate your words?”

PYB: Yes

“Now please state your date of birth.”

PYB: February 28

“I heard February 28. Is that correct?”

PYB: Yes

“Please hold while I transfer you to the right department.”

holdingholdingholding holdingholdingholding holdingholdingholding

“You’ve reached the ___ department. In order to better serve you please enter your ID number.”

She had done that already!!

PYB: 231321534643123

“I heard (repeats number) is that correct?”

PYB: Yes

“Now please state your date of birth.”

PYB: February 28

“I heard June 28. Is that correct?”

She now has the phone on speaker.

PYB: No

“Please repeat your date of birth.”

PYB: February 28

“I heard October 28. Is that correct?”

PYB: NO!

“Please repeat your date of birth.”

PYB: (loudly) FEBRUARY 28!!
“I heard February 28. Is that correct?”

PYB: YES!!!!

“Please hold for the next available representative. Your call may be monitored or recorded for quality purposes.”

holdingholdingholding holdingholdingholding holdingholdingholding

“Hello, this is Pam. How can I help you?”

PYB states issue.

“I’m sorry I can’t help you with that, but let me transfer you to the department that can. It will be about a two minute wait for a representative.”

holdingholdingholding holdingholdingholding holdingholdingholding
holdingholdingholding holdingholdingholding holdingholdingholding

The phone is still on speaker at this time.

holdingholdingholding holdingholdingholding holdingholdingholding

“Ms. PYB, I’m still trying to reach someone in that department.”

holdingholdingholding holdingholdingholding holdingholdingholding
holdingholdingholding holdingholdingholding holdingholdingholding
holdingholdingholding holdingholdingholding holdingholdingholding


“Ms. PYB, thank you for holding. I have Robert on the line to help you.”

She was so startled by Pam’s voice that she accidently hit the disconnect button instead of the speaker button and lost the freaking call.

So…she started all over again. The fix took all of 3 minutes. It took her about 20 minutes just to get to someone who could help her. Did she want to take a satisfaction survey at the end of the call yes, she did. Did she want to leave a voice message? Why, yes, she did.

PYB: Hello, this is the PYB, please hold while she connects you with someone who can assist you……… holdingholdingholding holdingholdingholding holdingholdingholding holdingholdingholding
holdingholdingholding holdingholdingholding holdingholdingholding holdingholdingholding holdingholdingholding holdingholdingholding holdingholdingholding holdingholdingholding

Get it together!

Signed,
The PYB

An Open Letter to the Users of the Unisex Bathroom at the North Entrance of the Building

The PYB has had this discussion with you before but, as with small children, it bears repeating over and over again.

Let's go over basic bathroom etiquette. No, let her clarify. Let's review basic public bathroom etiquette.  You see, this is not your personal restroom. The PYB doesn't care what you do at home, but she does care how you handle your bodily fluids and waste in a public setting where she is also sitting.

1. After you do your business please wipe the seat if there's been any splashage from you or from the violent eruption of water that occurs when flushing. Nobody wants to wipe up your leftovers and not be able to take a shower afterwards. 

It's disgusting.

2. If you use a toilet seat cover don't leave it on the seat after you are done! This is not a multi-use item! While it does assist in splashage cleanup The PYB doesn't want to be the one to stuff it in the commode.

It's disgusting.

3. For God's sake flush the damn thing. Unless you are five years old or less you don't have an excuse for not following through with the flush. It's not show and tell. The PYB doesn't want to see that you had corn the night before. 

It's disgusting.

4. Don't put the TP roll on the floor. There are two places to hang it so put it back where you found it...unless you found it on the floor then just throw it away. Who knows what got sprayed on it sitting down there.

It's disgusting.

5. Ladies: you know where the PYB is going so just throw your used stuff in the trash. Stashing it behind the toilet, on the sink or any other place other than the trashcan won't work. 

It's disgusting.

6. Whoever is filling the toilet with chunks of paper towels can just stop it right now. What are you? Twelve?? What's the point? Are you protesting something? Is it a hilarious joke? Do you have a vendetta against the cleaning crew? Snap out of it. This is a college for crip's sake.

It's disgusting. 

The only consolation The PYB has is that she's off to a new job at the end of the month and there's only four people working there: 3 men and The PYB. And guess, what? She has her own bathroom.

A Guest Appearance by the TBF - WHY SHE HATES RAPPERS!

OK, you guys know me. For the most part, I believe you would agree that I'm easy to please. I don't really have to have much to be happy and content. I try to stay out of folks way. I support when I can and how I can. I try to make it easy on others - if I can - even to my detriment sometimes. In short, I'm a pretty typical woman! That said, I need to get this off my chest and explain why I now HATE rappers.

Now that we're all over 40, most if not all of us can understand the raging hormonal issues that present themselves in this decade. For me at least, the "ranges" of hormonal shifts and the intensity of my "moods" have significantly increased. The good news is I typically stay in these places for a shorter duration of time (probably a way to ensure the world doesn't come to an end) but the level of my emotions is much stronger than before... imagine that.

That's the first bit of background I wanted to share. Here's the other to really help you understand the level of my "pisstivity" and why I now HATE rappers. The other piece is my need for sweets during this time. You all know what an affinity I have for chocolate. I've always had it and probably always will. Well, as you can imagine, my need for chocolate - or any sweet - is another indicator that now shoots through the roof when I am 'hormonal'.

That said, let's go back to last Sunday. My trainer (note I didn't call him my man, my boyfriend, etc.... didn't even call his name... indicator about how I'm feeling about him at the present moment, but I digress...) made me a pie. When I say I was overjoyed... words could not express the immense happiness that I received from tasting that pie. On Sunday, I actually had two pieces. It was truly divine. When I left the gym - now here's where I screwed up - I left my pie. "Why" you ask? Good D@$N question! All I can say is that I was picking up food the next day and thought it best to pick it all up together. What a mistake that turned out to be....

Fast forward to today. I had such a wonderful morning! A good workout. Great quiet time. Therapeutic shower. Watched a little Star Trek Next Generation. Took a nice nap. Got up before my alarm went off and went downstairs to eat a fish sandwich and take a bite out of my pie. Found my sandwich tray, took my first bite and found that heaven does indeed exist on earth. Finished the sandwich and was just about to open the refrigerator and pull out my pie to pack my bag when my trainer said, "Uh Janine (always a bad damn sign...) guess what happened yesterday - you won't believe it. Uh, THE RAPPER (no names to protect the guilty) went into the refrigerator and accidentally knocked your pie onto the floor. Aurora (the dog) really enjoyed it!"

Ladies, the rage I felt at that moment was one I've not felt often at all in this life. I believe I literally saw red. Why in the H$@#L was THE RAPPER in the fridge! He's a rapper! Shouldn't he be somewhere making up rhymes or something?!?!? There's a big @$$ sign that indicates if you are not kitchen personnel, you shouldn't even be in the kitchen - much less touching the fridge to the extent that you knock something out of it!

I AM SO DISGUSTED I DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO! So, I'm writing this email in hopes that it will squash my over the top, hormonal reaction to losing my pie. I am also upset that my trainer did fix it. Chris' appointment was at 1 PM on yesterday, so why in the world was there not a NEW pie in the fridge waiting on me when I got ready to pick it up at 9:00 AM?!!

You wanna know why?!?! Cause MEN DON'T UNDERSTAND HORMONES!

That's alright... I can show a monkey better than I can tell 'em...

I think I feel better. Thanks for allowing me to vent. Love you all and I hope you are doing well.

I'm off to find something sweet and my trainer better not say NOTHING about it! :-)