The Petite Young Blonde had une petite jeune fille brunette who was a senior in high school and graduation was a mere day away. The PJFB had worked so hard and had a great life waiting for her on the other side of high school.
On the Day Before Graduation it was decided that instead of eating out in a restaurant the family would come back to the house for a cookout. The family included the PYB’s father, sister, brother-in-law, three nieces and, wait, what was that? PJFB’s boyfriend’s family is coming over, too? With their elderly neighbor? Okay, then, why not.
Background: the boyfriend, who will be affectionately named The Mormon, was PJFB’s second boyfriend, and first prom date. The PYB had next to no experience with the Mormon religion except for being a Donny Osmond fanatic in elementary school and the few times the young ones would come to the house hoping for a conversion. All she really knew was that they didn’t drink Coke and that would suck. The Mormon had not see an R rated movie prior to meeting PJFB and probably not had been in as much trouble as he found himself in after dating PJFB. Since meeting the Mormon the PYB has educated herself on that particular religion….and enough has been said about that.
The Mormon’s mother is from another country and her English isn’t bad, but she spoke with a fairly heavy accent. The PYB was apparently having a hard time explaining over the phone what was happening for dinner, “bring your own steaks or whatever meat you’d like to grill.” So on the Day Before Graduation the Mormon's mom stopped by with a bean salad. So armed with a credit card the PYB headed to Patak’s Meat Market.
Once back from Patak’s a massive cleaning spree ensued, steaks were tenderized, veggies were marinated, wine was refrigerated…no, scratch the wine, Mormons don’t drink, Daddy doesn’t drink, sister and family don’t drink…the PYB considered starting by herself right then. Little did she know how much she was going to need it later.
Not only was it the Day Before Graduation it was also the Day Before the Next Harry Potter Movie. The PJFB grew up with Harry Potter. She had read the series many times and her Boston cousins and sister even made their own HP movie over the course of several summers. Not being at the midnight showing was NOT an option. They had purchased their tickets at least three weeks in advance. So at about 7:00pm on the Day Before Graduation, the PJFB and her friends piled into a car and went to the theater in Douglasville. No, the PYB wasn’t nervous at all about that (ha).
She tried, but the PYB could not wait up for her. The HH (hunky husband with the 6-pack abs) had already crashed and burned so she did the same. The PYB has some trouble sleeping at times and is a very light sleeper in general, so when the pounding on the door started she was up in a flash. Believing that it was the PJFB and she had forgotten her key the PYB came flying down the hall in the type of panic and disorientation one has when woken up in the middle of sleep to an unfamiliar and scary noise. She flung open the door and….
Background: the front door has a screen door, too. Being that the PYB has two cats living there most of the time the door has the heavy duty, cat proof kind of screen and therefore, it is very dark. In fact, in the dark without the porch light on there’s no way to see who is on the other side of the door standing on the porch.
…. couldn’t see her petite jeune fille brunette on the other side.
Background: the PYB sleeps in t-shirts and underwear - yeah, real sexy, but true. And when running through the house at top speed to the sound of banging on the front door, she didn’t take time to put on her eyeglasses, pants or robe. Oh, and the names have changed to protect the weird.
“Is Job here?” female voice.
“WHO???” squinting through the screen realizing it’s not the PJFB.
“Is our son here?” male voice.
“WHO???”
“His truck is in your driveway,” male voice.
“WHAT TRUCK??? Oh, you mean Tom? No, he’s at the movies with the PJFB.” (His friends called him Tom and the PYB never knew that his first name was Job and that’s what his family called him). It was really confusing at the time not to mention disorienting.
That’s when the PYB was finally aware she is standing in her t-shirt and underwear in front of The Mormon’s parents.
“Wait here; I’ll be right back.”
She turns around with her granny panties waving at the Mormons x2 and runs back through the house. She hisses at the HH, “Get up, get up! The Mormon’s parents are here and I’m not going to entertain them by myself.” She stumbles around to find her glasses, pajama bottoms and robe then goes back to let in the other parents.
It was about 1:45am. The movie began at midnight. It was almost a three-hour movie. Douglasville was 15 miles away. The PYB figured there was about another lifetime until the kids were going to be back. What to do? Make coffee? Guess not – there was that caffeine thing and the big day tomorrow, no it’s today! The Day of Graduation is here! Offer nothing…maybe they’ll go home, but no, looks like they’re getting really comfortable and are in for the long haul. Probably should have stayed in t-shirt and panties…that would have made them uncomfortable…would have left or at least waited in their car…no, that’s rude, but so is barging into the house at 1 FREAKING 45am thinking the PJFB is further corrupting their son…okay, okay, be nice, these folks are coming back over in about sixteen hours expecting steak.
Apparently, the MPs (Mormon Parents or Military Police), had gone to the theater to look for their son, but it was closed and all the cars were gone from the parking lot. That frazzled the PYB who started thinking the worst. The teenage friend who was driving didn’t exactly have the best driving record, but then again, the movie shouldn’t have been over….but why was the theater closed and all the cars gone…and why did the MPs drive all the way to Douglasville to check on their son???
“He’s not answering his phone,” the dad said.
“It’s probably turned off,” the PYB replied. “They usually do that in a movie theater.” But, the PYB followed suit and tried calling the teen aged driver & PJFB. She was now starting to worry because of what the MPs had said about the theater, so she checked the times on her laptop and the movie was over around 2:50am. Explaining this she suddenly realized something.
“Which theater did you go to?”
“The Hiram Theater.”
“That’s not where they are. The movie is at Arbor Place Mall.”
“Tom didn’t tell us that.” Oh boy, this was NOT going to be pretty.
Okay, so now everyone was on the same page. They could go home now. But they didn’t. The MPs settled in deeper in couch to wait…were they for real??
“So, anyone want a Coke?”
Small talk ensued and it was worse than torture. The PYB was so tired and had a big day ahead. There was virtually nothing in common between the two sets of parents except for the fact they both had children graduating that day; complete opposite ends of the personality spectrum. It was suggested by the MPs that the families get together and go camping in the summer…and oh, hell no! If sitting for two hours waiting for kids felt like a slow death there was no way the PYB and HH could stand an entire weekend in the middle of nowhere with the MPs. The conversation on the Day of Graduation was stilted and awkward enough! If the MPs were thinking of a “conversion weekend” they could just go sit in the woods by themselves.
The PYB and HH were finally rescued by the sound of slamming car doors and the kids clamored onto the porch and came in. The Mormon surely knew he was in deep shit when he saw his parents’ car in the driveway as he neglected, knowingly, to tell them which theater he was going to. His parents would not have allowed him to go to Douglasville and it had been hard enough for The Mormon to convince them to allow for a midnight movie according to the PJFB. Thank goodness the Harry Potter movie wasn’t rated R! So more awkwardness occurred as the MPs chewed him out in the living room. The PYB had the feeling it was going to be the last time the Mormon would be at her house….well, at least another 16 hours for dinner.
Background: The MPs were a source of frustration for PJFB. When at The Mormon’s house they are not allowed to be alone and the mom will come up with chores for The Mormon to do while she was there. Most of their time was spent at the PYB’s house where he was further debauched by the immoral and non-Mormon girlfriend who made him watch R rated movies and drink caffeinated soft drinks.
It was about 3:30am and these people needed to GO HOME.
“Well, it’s been fun – hey, why don’t we do this again tonight? Ha, ha!” bleh.
The PYB was finally able to go back to bed, but was up a very short few hours later to get the deux petites jeunes filles brunettes off to school. Her nerves were on edge for many reasons, but most of all from fatigue. However, on the Day of Graduation she felt grateful to have raised a daughter to the point of being a high school graduate and a college bound student. A milestone had definitely been passed; she was infinitely proud of her premiere petite jeune fille brunette and was feeling selfish about having to share the evening with the people who had kept her up so late.
Friday, January 7, 2011
Monday, January 3, 2011
The Petite Young Blonde and the Smellies
The Petite Young Blonde would greatly appreciate if all the personal hygiene companies met and discussed scent themes for their products. Maybe there could be several new coordinated scents introduced per year.
Why you ask? Yes, there are more important "stuff" to be concerned about, however, this is what hit her today as she was in the shower lathering her hair with Herbal Essence Totally Twisted Curls and Waves Shampoo and Conditioner with Lilac Infusion. She then reached for the Nivea Touch of Bliss Apricot Blossom Scent with Fruit Essence body wash which was followed by Skintimate Moisturizing Creme Shave in a Soothing Petal fragrance. But wait, there's more! She finished off the shower with Olay Pore Defining Facial Scrub which at that point who knew if it had a smell; her nose had been inundated by a plethora of odors all ready.
The after-shower routine only added to the scores of aromas. Into her hair went the Pantene Curl Defining Scrunching Mousse and then the Pantene Classic Hair Spray. That's what...three different smellies in her hair at that point? The face needed some attention so she slapped on Olay eye cream and Olay Regenerist Micro Sculpting Cream. No, even those two products didn't even smell the same. Other body parts were attended to with Suave Advanced Therapy Body Lotion and her hands love to be slathered with Nivea Original Moisture Daily Lotion. Last, but not least, Sure Invisible Solid....Regular Scent.
Good grief. Oh wait! She forgot the final touch: Verscace Crystal Noir perfume. That's a total of 11 different smellies. She would like to know what the end result REALLY smells like, but by the end of the whole routine she can no longer tell. Proof that all of this stuff needs some world-wide smell coordination. She'll be happy to head the research team. While she's at it she'll work on shortening the names of the products as well.
Then again, maybe none of this matters. All the smellies probably cancel out each other anyway; maybe she just ends up smelling like the PYB: Lilac-Apricot-Blossom-Fruit-Essence-Petal-Pantenesque-Olayish-Nivea-Scented-Sauvy....Regular scent.
Why you ask? Yes, there are more important "stuff" to be concerned about, however, this is what hit her today as she was in the shower lathering her hair with Herbal Essence Totally Twisted Curls and Waves Shampoo and Conditioner with Lilac Infusion. She then reached for the Nivea Touch of Bliss Apricot Blossom Scent with Fruit Essence body wash which was followed by Skintimate Moisturizing Creme Shave in a Soothing Petal fragrance. But wait, there's more! She finished off the shower with Olay Pore Defining Facial Scrub which at that point who knew if it had a smell; her nose had been inundated by a plethora of odors all ready.
The after-shower routine only added to the scores of aromas. Into her hair went the Pantene Curl Defining Scrunching Mousse and then the Pantene Classic Hair Spray. That's what...three different smellies in her hair at that point? The face needed some attention so she slapped on Olay eye cream and Olay Regenerist Micro Sculpting Cream. No, even those two products didn't even smell the same. Other body parts were attended to with Suave Advanced Therapy Body Lotion and her hands love to be slathered with Nivea Original Moisture Daily Lotion. Last, but not least, Sure Invisible Solid....Regular Scent.
Good grief. Oh wait! She forgot the final touch: Verscace Crystal Noir perfume. That's a total of 11 different smellies. She would like to know what the end result REALLY smells like, but by the end of the whole routine she can no longer tell. Proof that all of this stuff needs some world-wide smell coordination. She'll be happy to head the research team. While she's at it she'll work on shortening the names of the products as well.
Then again, maybe none of this matters. All the smellies probably cancel out each other anyway; maybe she just ends up smelling like the PYB: Lilac-Apricot-Blossom-Fruit-Essence-Petal-Pantenesque-Olayish-Nivea-Scented-Sauvy....Regular scent.
Monday, November 22, 2010
The Petite Young Blonde vs. the City of Kennesaw & the Georgia DMV
Part One
The Petite Young Blonde’s day started out like most others: she was running late. On this particular day there was nothing out of the ordinary on the drive to work except for the police car that was pulling out of the QT gas station behind the white Honda that was behind the PYB’s minivan. The PYB never likes having a police car behind her. One just never knew what they might do. She was almost going to make the light across the intersection of Pine Mountain and Hwy 41, but decided not to risk getting stopped by the Kennesaw Police; the light had already turned yellow. She waited patiently for her turn and was trying to decide on the Song of the Day…which one was it going to be? The leading contender up to that point was Elvis Costello’s “Tears Before Bedtime.” As it turned out the PYB’s Song of the Day was The Clash’s “Police On My Back.”
After the light turned green the PYB proceeded across the intersection and the white Honda turned right onto 41. That obviously put the Kennesaw Police car right behind the PYB. She consciously drove the speed limit into “downtown” Kennesaw, stopped at another light, turned right on Main Street and that’s when the flashing lights started. She made a mental list of why she could possibly be pulled over and had nothing. Except…maybe there’s an obscenity law in the City of Kennesaw and her “Feel Your Boobies – Tell A Friend” sticker was considered offensive.
She pulled into a dance academy parking lot, turned down Led Zeppelin on her iPod, turned off the car and started searching for her driver’s license and proof of insurance. Knowing that she couldn’t roll down her driver’s side window because it got stuck one day and her Amazing Mechanic Friend, the AMF, fixed it by taking out the motor, the PYB began hoping that her particular Kennesaw policeman wasn’t a skittish one who would draw his weapon when she opened the car door. She explained about the window and he gave an “aw-shucks” look. He looked about 12-years-old. He wasn’t very tall, had a Kennesaw Police knit cap on his head and his nose was red making the PYB decide she wasn’t his only take down this morning.
He went through the routine (yes, hard to believe that the PYB would know the routine, but she does). Not finding her insurance card he politely told her that was fine he can look it up on his computer and took her license. His car was parked behind her van with lights still flashing…how embarrassing! While he was doing his thing the PYB called her job and let them know she was going to be later than expected. The process seemed to be taking an eternity, which caused the PYB a bit of anxiety…
She glanced in the side mirror and noticed the blue & red lights had been turned off, thank goodness. Then she looked in the rearview mirror and no; the lights were still on…there’s another freaking police car! What the heck? The teenager came back to talk to the PYB and the other, bigger, burlier, taller, more menacing cop walked toward the van while looking it up and down and took up his post by the passenger side door. What did they think she had done? Were they expecting her to make a run for it? She had on pantyhose, a dress skirt and sensible shoes for crying out loud. Is his hand on his freaking holster?? What the hell?
“Ms. Blonde, m’am? Did you know your license has been suspended?”
“I. Ah. What? Why? Ah. Well. I. When? ?????????
“Yes, m’am. It was suspended 3 years ago.”
?????????????????????????????????????????? “OH!” The light bulb went on and she quickly tried to start explaining and he was kind enough to at least pretend he was listening.
Background: On July 3, 2007, the PYB and la Premiere Petite Jeune Fille were traveling back from Ohio. They were singing a Killers song at the top of their voices, and not very well, when that horrible, siren noise started up and seemed to be behind them in a split second. Yes, a ticket was given for speeding…that’s what good music can do to a driver on the long, boring road from Ohio to Georgia.
“Yes, m’am,” that kid in cop clothes said ever so polite, “it would be hard to reinstate it if no one told you to do that, but I’m still gonna have to keep your license. Now, I have two citations for you. One is for the brake lights and one for the suspended license. Will you please sign here and here? Do you have someone who can come pick you up?” Yes, no, maybe? “I have to go back and finish up this paperwork.” Just great. Fine. Fine. Fine. Little Teenage Cop, you are so gonna be in my story!
The PYB called her job again and asked if someone could please come and get her. Lynn was on her way.
“Oh, and m’am. Your car is parked on private property.”
So the PYB has no license, two tickets and an illegally parked car. Lynn picked her up and brought her to work and she called her best friend, #1TBF. #1TBF had her son’s car that day and agreed to pick her up and bring her back to Paulding County to work on the license issue. At least that’s what the 12-year-old cop said, to go to the county the driver’s license was issued in and do whatever.
Background: The PYB forgot to pay the speeding ticket from Tennessee. It was one of those, “call in ten days and we’ll tell you how much you owe” kind of thing. When the human memory capacity has hit the red zone and there’s no jump drive, thumb drive, or memory stick to back it up to, things are going to fall through the cracks. The PYB’s intention was to pay the fine prior to the court date, as she was NOT going back to Tennessee for a speeding ticket. In early January she received a notice stating that her license would be suspended if the ticket were not paid by whatever date. Oops, a few months late. Finding a credit card she dialed the number on the notice and paid for the ticket. “What happens now?” she asked. Tennessee would notify Georgia that the ticket was paid and rescind the suspension. Sweet! Stamp that OVER.
Not so over.
The PYB and #1TBF drove to the brand spankin’ new Paulding County facility only to find that Paulding doesn’t have a DMV, just a tag office. “Well, where do I go to fix this?” she asked the lady behind the glass. The lady couldn’t tell the PYB, which, she was finding out, was fairly typical. The PYB and the #1TBF decided to go the DMV in Cobb County so off they went burning up the #1TBF son’s gas.
Once at the Piedmont Village DMV located in Cobb the PYB explained the situation for the 3rd time that day and was told that,
“No, we can’t help you without proper id.”
“Well, right now a teenage cop has my id right now. I’ve got a KSU picture ID, a debit card, an insurance card….”
“I need either one thing from this list or two things from that list.”
Gee, the PYB thought to herself (because it’s just suicide to piss of the DMV Lady) I don’t carry around my birth certificate, my social security card or my passport, which is probably expired any way.
“I’ll do you a favor,” said DMV Lady. “Call this number and get your citation number and they will give you the phone number to call in Tennessee.”
Finally!! Someone who has part of an answer. Maybe. Perhaps. She hopes.
At that point the PYB and #1TBF decided it was time for some Chinese food. One can take only so much on a couple of low-fat, high fiber muffins. Once back at the office the PYB called the GA DMV, got the required information and placed a call to Tennessee.
“Sterner’s Hardware”
Without missing a beat the PYB launched into her story for the 4th time.
“M’am, I wish I could help you, but you’ve reached Sterner’s Hardware. You need the court. I’ve got their number – we get calls like this all the time.” Wow.
Truly unbelievable. The PYB tried the new number not expecting much by this time. Tennessee Helen answered the phone with a soft southern drawl and sympathetic ear and heard the PYB’s 5th recap of the day and looked up the information that could mean oh, so much to the PYB.
“Sure enough. You paid us in January of ’08 and we notified Georgia on March 12, 2008 that it was paid and to rescind the suspension.” Hot damn! Redeemed! Tennessee Helen promised to fax the information to the Piedmont Village DMV and would just need to go in and get another license. The PYB then called the City of Kennesaw, blah, blah, blah #6…no, she’d still have to go to court, and no, she couldn’t come in and pick up her original license. They wouldn’t have it until maybe next Monday and even then couldn’t guarantee they could give it to me. “But, that one had a really good picture on it…” Back to her job.
So, try as she may she couldn’t concentrate on work and just continued to get more and more frustrated over the whole scenario. One person’s negligence had wreaked havoc not only to the PYB’s day, but those of her co-workers, clients and friend. Just trying to organize rides to where she needs to be is so inconvenient to so many. AARRGGHHH. And, wait, WHAT’S THIS??? Looking closer to the two new citations did it actually say her hair was….BROWN? Oh, hell, no! Now she was really mad! That was the last damn straw!
As for the taillights her AMF came by her house and worked on the brake lights…no, not burned out, but bad connections were the culprit. His wife has the same van and the same problems. So any time she hits a pothole the PYB will have to make sure her brake lights still work. Maybe AMF should write a certified letter explaining the situation to the judge….hmm. That might help.
Tomorrow will consist of having #1TBF drive her to work, then she’ll walk to the DOL to give a presentation, walk back to work, and by that time #1TBF will be back from her seminar in downtown Atlanta and she can then drive the PYB to the DMV. She hopes it will all go smoothly. But, this is the PYB’s life, so who knows?? Part Two will post tomorrow.
How was YOUR day?
Part Two:
Trip to the DMV went well! Surprise! Three hours and three windows later the PYB is once again a licensed driver! Hurrah! However, the PYB is not happy with the picture - the other license was MUCH cuter, but then again, it was taken 15 years ago when the PYB was a mere babe and could date the teenage Kennesaw policeman.
Part three will be posted after the March 23rd court date. Stay tuned!
The Petite Young Blonde’s day started out like most others: she was running late. On this particular day there was nothing out of the ordinary on the drive to work except for the police car that was pulling out of the QT gas station behind the white Honda that was behind the PYB’s minivan. The PYB never likes having a police car behind her. One just never knew what they might do. She was almost going to make the light across the intersection of Pine Mountain and Hwy 41, but decided not to risk getting stopped by the Kennesaw Police; the light had already turned yellow. She waited patiently for her turn and was trying to decide on the Song of the Day…which one was it going to be? The leading contender up to that point was Elvis Costello’s “Tears Before Bedtime.” As it turned out the PYB’s Song of the Day was The Clash’s “Police On My Back.”
After the light turned green the PYB proceeded across the intersection and the white Honda turned right onto 41. That obviously put the Kennesaw Police car right behind the PYB. She consciously drove the speed limit into “downtown” Kennesaw, stopped at another light, turned right on Main Street and that’s when the flashing lights started. She made a mental list of why she could possibly be pulled over and had nothing. Except…maybe there’s an obscenity law in the City of Kennesaw and her “Feel Your Boobies – Tell A Friend” sticker was considered offensive.
She pulled into a dance academy parking lot, turned down Led Zeppelin on her iPod, turned off the car and started searching for her driver’s license and proof of insurance. Knowing that she couldn’t roll down her driver’s side window because it got stuck one day and her Amazing Mechanic Friend, the AMF, fixed it by taking out the motor, the PYB began hoping that her particular Kennesaw policeman wasn’t a skittish one who would draw his weapon when she opened the car door. She explained about the window and he gave an “aw-shucks” look. He looked about 12-years-old. He wasn’t very tall, had a Kennesaw Police knit cap on his head and his nose was red making the PYB decide she wasn’t his only take down this morning.
He went through the routine (yes, hard to believe that the PYB would know the routine, but she does). Not finding her insurance card he politely told her that was fine he can look it up on his computer and took her license. His car was parked behind her van with lights still flashing…how embarrassing! While he was doing his thing the PYB called her job and let them know she was going to be later than expected. The process seemed to be taking an eternity, which caused the PYB a bit of anxiety…
She glanced in the side mirror and noticed the blue & red lights had been turned off, thank goodness. Then she looked in the rearview mirror and no; the lights were still on…there’s another freaking police car! What the heck? The teenager came back to talk to the PYB and the other, bigger, burlier, taller, more menacing cop walked toward the van while looking it up and down and took up his post by the passenger side door. What did they think she had done? Were they expecting her to make a run for it? She had on pantyhose, a dress skirt and sensible shoes for crying out loud. Is his hand on his freaking holster?? What the hell?
“Ms. Blonde, m’am? Did you know your license has been suspended?”
“I. Ah. What? Why? Ah. Well. I. When? ?????????
“Yes, m’am. It was suspended 3 years ago.”
?????????????????????????????????????????? “OH!” The light bulb went on and she quickly tried to start explaining and he was kind enough to at least pretend he was listening.
Background: On July 3, 2007, the PYB and la Premiere Petite Jeune Fille were traveling back from Ohio. They were singing a Killers song at the top of their voices, and not very well, when that horrible, siren noise started up and seemed to be behind them in a split second. Yes, a ticket was given for speeding…that’s what good music can do to a driver on the long, boring road from Ohio to Georgia.
“Yes, m’am,” that kid in cop clothes said ever so polite, “it would be hard to reinstate it if no one told you to do that, but I’m still gonna have to keep your license. Now, I have two citations for you. One is for the brake lights and one for the suspended license. Will you please sign here and here? Do you have someone who can come pick you up?” Yes, no, maybe? “I have to go back and finish up this paperwork.” Just great. Fine. Fine. Fine. Little Teenage Cop, you are so gonna be in my story!
The PYB called her job again and asked if someone could please come and get her. Lynn was on her way.
“Oh, and m’am. Your car is parked on private property.”
So the PYB has no license, two tickets and an illegally parked car. Lynn picked her up and brought her to work and she called her best friend, #1TBF. #1TBF had her son’s car that day and agreed to pick her up and bring her back to Paulding County to work on the license issue. At least that’s what the 12-year-old cop said, to go to the county the driver’s license was issued in and do whatever.
Background: The PYB forgot to pay the speeding ticket from Tennessee. It was one of those, “call in ten days and we’ll tell you how much you owe” kind of thing. When the human memory capacity has hit the red zone and there’s no jump drive, thumb drive, or memory stick to back it up to, things are going to fall through the cracks. The PYB’s intention was to pay the fine prior to the court date, as she was NOT going back to Tennessee for a speeding ticket. In early January she received a notice stating that her license would be suspended if the ticket were not paid by whatever date. Oops, a few months late. Finding a credit card she dialed the number on the notice and paid for the ticket. “What happens now?” she asked. Tennessee would notify Georgia that the ticket was paid and rescind the suspension. Sweet! Stamp that OVER.
Not so over.
The PYB and #1TBF drove to the brand spankin’ new Paulding County facility only to find that Paulding doesn’t have a DMV, just a tag office. “Well, where do I go to fix this?” she asked the lady behind the glass. The lady couldn’t tell the PYB, which, she was finding out, was fairly typical. The PYB and the #1TBF decided to go the DMV in Cobb County so off they went burning up the #1TBF son’s gas.
Once at the Piedmont Village DMV located in Cobb the PYB explained the situation for the 3rd time that day and was told that,
“No, we can’t help you without proper id.”
“Well, right now a teenage cop has my id right now. I’ve got a KSU picture ID, a debit card, an insurance card….”
“I need either one thing from this list or two things from that list.”
Gee, the PYB thought to herself (because it’s just suicide to piss of the DMV Lady) I don’t carry around my birth certificate, my social security card or my passport, which is probably expired any way.
“I’ll do you a favor,” said DMV Lady. “Call this number and get your citation number and they will give you the phone number to call in Tennessee.”
Finally!! Someone who has part of an answer. Maybe. Perhaps. She hopes.
At that point the PYB and #1TBF decided it was time for some Chinese food. One can take only so much on a couple of low-fat, high fiber muffins. Once back at the office the PYB called the GA DMV, got the required information and placed a call to Tennessee.
“Sterner’s Hardware”
Without missing a beat the PYB launched into her story for the 4th time.
“M’am, I wish I could help you, but you’ve reached Sterner’s Hardware. You need the court. I’ve got their number – we get calls like this all the time.” Wow.
Truly unbelievable. The PYB tried the new number not expecting much by this time. Tennessee Helen answered the phone with a soft southern drawl and sympathetic ear and heard the PYB’s 5th recap of the day and looked up the information that could mean oh, so much to the PYB.
“Sure enough. You paid us in January of ’08 and we notified Georgia on March 12, 2008 that it was paid and to rescind the suspension.” Hot damn! Redeemed! Tennessee Helen promised to fax the information to the Piedmont Village DMV and would just need to go in and get another license. The PYB then called the City of Kennesaw, blah, blah, blah #6…no, she’d still have to go to court, and no, she couldn’t come in and pick up her original license. They wouldn’t have it until maybe next Monday and even then couldn’t guarantee they could give it to me. “But, that one had a really good picture on it…” Back to her job.
So, try as she may she couldn’t concentrate on work and just continued to get more and more frustrated over the whole scenario. One person’s negligence had wreaked havoc not only to the PYB’s day, but those of her co-workers, clients and friend. Just trying to organize rides to where she needs to be is so inconvenient to so many. AARRGGHHH. And, wait, WHAT’S THIS??? Looking closer to the two new citations did it actually say her hair was….BROWN? Oh, hell, no! Now she was really mad! That was the last damn straw!
As for the taillights her AMF came by her house and worked on the brake lights…no, not burned out, but bad connections were the culprit. His wife has the same van and the same problems. So any time she hits a pothole the PYB will have to make sure her brake lights still work. Maybe AMF should write a certified letter explaining the situation to the judge….hmm. That might help.
Tomorrow will consist of having #1TBF drive her to work, then she’ll walk to the DOL to give a presentation, walk back to work, and by that time #1TBF will be back from her seminar in downtown Atlanta and she can then drive the PYB to the DMV. She hopes it will all go smoothly. But, this is the PYB’s life, so who knows?? Part Two will post tomorrow.
How was YOUR day?
Part Two:
Trip to the DMV went well! Surprise! Three hours and three windows later the PYB is once again a licensed driver! Hurrah! However, the PYB is not happy with the picture - the other license was MUCH cuter, but then again, it was taken 15 years ago when the PYB was a mere babe and could date the teenage Kennesaw policeman.
Part three will be posted after the March 23rd court date. Stay tuned!
Part 3: The Petite Young Blonde vs. the City of Kennesaw
REFRESHER –
PYB has two traffic tickets to fight; no brake lights, suspended license.
The PYB's Day in Court, March 23, 2010
After dropping off the Petite Jeune Fille Brunette at school the PYB headed to her AMF (Awesome Mechanic Friend) to check the brake lights before heading to the courthouse. It would not be cool to get yet another ticket for the same thing in the same area. Yep, they’re out. He replaces them again; the 2nd time within a month which was completely consistent with the internet research the PYB found. The base of the bulbs, which is black plastic, is melted – EVIDENCE! She is SO going to win today!
Back at home…what to wear, what to wear? New blue linen dress with white cardigan. Yes. No. Too dowdy. Is dowdy good for court? Hmmm, no, red knit dress with black jacket. That works. Red is powerful, strong, in charge! Did you know it has been scientifically proven that teams that wear red uniforms win more often? So, power dress, fake Spanx, panty hose, sensible shoes, conservative earrings. Good to go.
The PYB arrived at the Kennesaw Courthouse at 1:40 for her 2:00 appointment. The parking was a few blocks away so she found a spot and started the trek to the courthouse. Once she reached the entrance of the Courthouse she was turned away – no purses allowed?? Are they serious? No cell phones, no granola bars. Great. So she turned around and hiked back to the car to put it away.
Sidebar – Any smart criminal would stake out the offsite parking lot and
watch for people returning to their cars with their cell phones and handbags.
Good grief. Talk about the perfect set up!
The PYB heads back quickly to the courthouse and goes through security. In her pockets she paws out her keys, light bulbs, and pen and puts them into the basket and walks though the metal detector. Success! The giant security guard who looked like the football player in The Blind Side, we’ll call him Gentle Ben, looks at her with raised eyebrows. “Light bulbs, m’am?” “Evidence,” says the PYB, scoops them up and goes into the courtroom.
She finds a seat and takes inventory of her paperwork: tickets, brake bulb receipts, research from the internet regarding the problem with the brake lights, and…hold up! Where’s the letter from Tennessee Helen?? That was to resolve her of the suspended license! It must be in her purse! It’s now 1:55pm so she bolts out of the courtroom and races back to her car…again. Curses! Thinking she only has five more minutes she breaks out in a run in her dress, fake Spanx and pantyhose. Ah, warming up outside, nice.
Uphill, uphill, no bursitis flare up, not now….go go go go….five minutes, just five minutes! She got to the car rifles through her purse and finds the certified letter from Louden County, TN (oh, is that where she got the original ticket that has caused this mess?) and a half full water bottle that had been rolling around in the floor of the back seat for a week or so. She starts back while drinking the who-knows-how-old-water and feels her big toe pop through her pantyhose. Sure, why not? At least she didn’t dump the water all ov…never mind. At this time the line for the courthouse is out the door and down the sidewalk. She finally reaches security, and yes, Gentle Ben, she’s coming through again with her light bulbs.
The court room has filled up considerably, but being that she likes to see and hear what’s going on she walks up to the 2nd row and sits at the end next a man. No, a woman. Oh dear, this person does not smell good! Old, old, old nicotine smell, slightly sickly sweet, not good, not good. Nicotine Lady turns around and says hello. What teeth are left are pretty much black and then she launches into a deep, hacking cough. This is not going to work, but then court is called to order and the PYB was stuck. Ugh.
The first cases called involved guys in handcuffs and orange jumpsuits. Ummmm, excuse me, but being that they don’t actually have anywhere to go like back to work or to soccer practice could they not be saved for last? Just askin’. After about an hour of prisoner issues they worked on cases involving minors and/or those charged with drug possession. The PYB was starting to wonder if she was in the right place. One young girl, there with her mom, was asked if she could pass a drug test that day. She was honest and said, “No.” They gave her another one and, sure enough, she tested positive for cocaine. Why her mother didn’t beat her to a pulp right then and there on the spot the PYB will never know.
After the drugged out kids the judge announces that he’ll try to have everyone out within eight hours. WHAT???!! It was 4:00…was he kidding? What happened to the 2:00 appointment? Why wasn’t this explained when the PYB called the day before to confirm? “Oh, and btw, m’am; be sure to have a hearty breakfast and lunch and don’t forget to hydrate! It’s gonna be a long day into night.” That would have been good customer service.
At this time the judge turns the room over to the City Solicitor, Dr. Oz, who talks for awhile, blah, blah, blah, blah and then the judge comes back and gives a powerpoint slideshow about traffic court! The PYB is dying a thousand deaths. Nicotine Lady’s smell is about to choke her and she starting to feel the beginning of a headache. The traffic court in Cobb County was nowhere near this ridiculous! Ah… so she had heard. Right. Yeah. Anyway…(the PYB has a heavy foot).
At this point, please allow the PYB to take a moment to tell you about some of the characters in the courtroom. You’ve met Nicotine Lady and Dr. Oz. The PYB would like to introduce you to Porky Pig. He was a cop who, bless his heart, truly looked like Porky Pig in a policeman’s uniform. The other courtroom cop was pretty short, older, and balding with what was left of his hair slicked back…in other words, Christopher Walken. The PYB was quite sure that if anything janky went down in that room these men were NOT going to be able to subdue anyone. If he had to move quickly, Porky Pig’s gun would certainly get jammed in his ginormous love handles as they covered the holster of his gun. Not trying to be mean, just the facts. This being said at the first opportunity the PYB escaped the smell of Nicotine Lady and moved to the last row of seats at the end by the exit. She would not be placing her life in the hands of Porky and Christopher Walken; she needed a getaway plan. There was also a woman in a “Budweiser The King of Beers” embroidered jacket and the PYB was really hoping she wasn’t there for a DUI charge. As for the judge, he wasn’t a bad sort and he smiled a lot and tried to make a few jokes. But, can he be charmed by the PYB? Not sure about that yet.
After some no-contest cases the rest of us had to sign up to see Dr. Oz, the solicitor, to review our cases. Could this not have happened as we arrived? The PYB’s name was 5th to the last on the list, hurrah! It was proving to be a really long day. The judge took a break, but the solicitor would continue his interviews and call names. Ok. Phone in car, granola bar in car, wallet in car…the PYB needed to go to her car. She stepped out and asked Gentle Ben about leaving the building.
“But if I leave the solicitor will certainly call my name,” said the PYB.
“What’s your name, m’am?” asked Gentle Ben.
“PYB, of course.”
“Ok, I’ll listen for it and if he calls you I’ll make sure you get put back to the top of the list.”
Sure you will, she thought. I bet you say that to everyone. But she had to go!
Thank God it wasn’t a rainy day! By this time the run in her pantyhose was creeping up over the top of her shoe. As she walked back to her car she noticed that some parking spaces were opening up near the building so, knowing it would probably be dark, she moved the car closer. She called the Hunky Husband to explain what was going on.
Back though security and, no, Gentle Ben said, her name had not been called. She filled up the basket with her light bulbs, pen, keys, wallet and gum. She hurried up to wait so more. It was now 5:30 and here come so more orange jumpsuits. Really?
Now the probation hearings were starting. Up next, Teenage White Trash Girl. If you were in court because you messed up your probation and had to answer to it would you actually wear sweats? This really pathetic child was a teenaged, unemployed, single mom, who was knocked up again, and she had to pass a drug test. Her sister and father were with her and, come to find out, her dad had just finished a chemotherapy session that morning. The poor man looked worn out and frazzled. He tried to explain his daughter’s actions to the judge who patiently listened. Long story short, Teenage White Trash Girl failed her drug test. Sobbing ensued and TWTG started pleading to the judge about her baby at home and her dad, and she had a lead on a job, etc. This is what the judge said and the PYB almost stood up and applauded,
“Why do you expect me to care about your family, who I don’t know, when you didn’t care about them when you were out getting high and breaking your probation? They aren’t my family; they’re yours. You are doing drugs and you are PREGNANT. It’s time to grow up.”
Her dad kept saying it was all his fault and that she was a wild child. The judge said, no, she has to be responsible for her actions. Wow. What a concept! TWTG goes straight to jail, do not pass go, do not collect $200.
Five minute break! Finally! So the PYB takes a trip to the water closet and wouldn’t you know it; the solicitor called her name to come in and see him. Blast it all. Her file goes back into the pile. It’s now 6:30pm and her stomach is grumbling. More sitting and waiting.
Her name was eventually called and she was to go into the lobby to sit in a different chair to wait. This is where the PYB met Daniel Radcliff/Harry Potter, a KSU art student. He was a very pleasant young man who plans on having his own comic book series. He had just returned from a semester abroad in Italy. HP provided the only intelligent conversation the PYB had had all day! He was just as bored and climbing the walls as she was.
Dr. Oz calls her name to come discuss her tickets and the game was on. The PYB gathered all her papers and put on her brightest, most charming smile and breezed into his office. She felt she was at a disadvantage because it was getting late and he had been at this all day. Surely, he was tired of hearing people’s excuses and stories. This could go completely wrong!
He started with the suspended license. Right from the start they were not on the same page. He started talking continuance and she’s thinking, “Oh, hell no I am NOT coming back here again.” He was talking $780 fine for driving with a suspended license and she was thinking, “Oh , hell no, I can’t pay that! That’s Atlanta Beat season ticket money!” She tried to start from the beginning to explain how it all happened, but he didn’t want to hear it. She kept saying that no, it never WAS supposed to be suspended because the fine had been paid. HE was telling her that she didn’t pay the $35 GA reinstatement fee so technically it was suspended, blah, blah, blah. But what about the certified document from Tennessee Helen stating her fine had been satisfied, etc?? And this went on for at least ten minutes. Fortunately, the PYB had her canceled check from when she had the stimulating visit to the GA DMV to replace the license the 12-year old cop took from her. She paid all of $5.00.
“Oh,” said Dr. Oz, “looks like they waived the reinstatement fee. I’ll dismiss
this charge.”
Thank You Baby Jesus!! Beat tickets, yes!!
“Now, about the brake lights…”
Dr. Oz was not the least bit interested in her light bulbs. Fine: $123.50.
“So, has anyone ever told you you look like Dr. Oz?”
Back into the courtroom, go see the judge, yes brake lights out, whatever, let’s get out of here, go pay fine, no sign of Harry Potter, hope it worked out for him, get the heck out of this building!
The morals of this story are:
v Drive carefully and slowly when in the City of Kennesaw. In fact, just avoid it if possible. The PYB has now has 5 tickets issued to her from the eager Kennesaw police force.
v If you own a 2003 Chevy Venture start socking away money to pay for a ticket.
Your brakes light bulbs are probably melting at this very moment and you are
gonna get in trouble for something you have no control over.
v Fake Spanx – not worth it. Splurge for the real thing.
Saturday, October 30, 2010
Movie Review for October 30, 2010: Paranormal Activity 2 - Three Shades of Blonde out of Five
The PYB had a wonderful time with her Super Buff Gay Friend, V, Danita, Re and Jeanne today at the movie and then lunch at Bailey's afterwards. Nothing like a green salad, lite beer and friends!
She attended the first Paranormal Activity movie with SBGF so, of course, they were planning to see the sequel together. And, once again, they were grabbing each other at the spooky parts. Poor Re kept getting elbowed by the PYB on one side of her and from Danita on the other side. Re was the most reluctant to go since she is not a fan of horror movies and she did not jump one time! The rest of the group yelped and squirmed in their seats. Those who had seen PA1 agreed that it wasn't as scary as the first one. It was maybe more disturbing than horrifying, perhaps, because a baby is involved (no spoilers).
What the PYB liked best was how this story was concurrent with the first movie. PA2 took place in the house of Dan and Kristi who have two children, a teenager and a new baby. PA1 happened in the home of Micah and Katie, who also show up in the sequel. Both movies take place in same time frame so each house has demonic activity going on; but it isn't spoken about much between households. Kristi and Katie are sisters and have a mysterious childhood that is referenced briefly. The PYB predicts that the next PA movie will address that, "you don't want to be like mother." Very intriguing.
She attended the first Paranormal Activity movie with SBGF so, of course, they were planning to see the sequel together. And, once again, they were grabbing each other at the spooky parts. Poor Re kept getting elbowed by the PYB on one side of her and from Danita on the other side. Re was the most reluctant to go since she is not a fan of horror movies and she did not jump one time! The rest of the group yelped and squirmed in their seats. Those who had seen PA1 agreed that it wasn't as scary as the first one. It was maybe more disturbing than horrifying, perhaps, because a baby is involved (no spoilers).
What the PYB liked best was how this story was concurrent with the first movie. PA2 took place in the house of Dan and Kristi who have two children, a teenager and a new baby. PA1 happened in the home of Micah and Katie, who also show up in the sequel. Both movies take place in same time frame so each house has demonic activity going on; but it isn't spoken about much between households. Kristi and Katie are sisters and have a mysterious childhood that is referenced briefly. The PYB predicts that the next PA movie will address that, "you don't want to be like mother." Very intriguing.
Friday, October 15, 2010
The Petite Young Blonde, Sam and Dean: Things She has Learned from Watching Supernatural
35. Hellhounds; you can’t see them, but they can sure as hell see you. And, yes, their bark is as bad as their bite…run!
34. Children who have contact with demons are sure to need plenty of therapy.
33. It’s a bad sign when a bunch of reapers have gathered; have an angel handy or…run!
32. Monsters are equal opportunity killers…run!
 |
| This was Sam's girlfriend. Same thing happened to their mom. |
30. Being a demon hunter is hard on your family life.
29. When at a crossroads don’t offer a deal to a hot guy/girl who suddenly pops in. You could be making a deal with your soul as the price tag…run!
 |
| She is not what she appears to be.... |
28. Buying antique portraits can be hazardous to your to your health. They might have hanger-on ghosties attached to them…run!
27. Angels are just bad-asses with wings who fight for good.
26. You CAN go to hell and back.
25. Do NOT investigate strange noises in the basement. It never works out well…run!
24. Scarecrows are freaky-deeky. If it looks at you…run!
23. The Apocalypse is not for the feint of heart.
22. Everyone needs a friend like Bobby; a drop-everything-be-there-when-you-need-him-help-you-bury-the-body-type of friend.
21. Withdrawal from demon blood is hell. Just say no!
20. There are some really tacky hotel/motels out there.
19. “Being inhabited by an angel is like being chained to a convent." (Castiel)
 |
| Castiel the angel. |
18. Buy a platform bed. Nothing can hide or drag you under it.
17. Salt is a very important substance! Have lots of it on hand for demon emergencies and be sure to put salt in windowsills and doorways. Demons can’t cross a salt line. You can also make a circle around yourself.
16. Latin: learn it. It’s a need-to-know language when expelling demons from your neighbors.
15. Shape shifters cannot touch silver so keep a silver fork on your person.
14. Rock salt: when shot from a gun will dispel ghosts.
13. DO NOT PARK over sewer grates! Creepy things will crawl out and pull you down into the muck with it.
12. You can’t kill a trickster – it’ll trick you too fast to get a good shot off…run!
 |
| He's not dead; he's just trickin'. |
11. Beware of anyone with black, white or yellow eyes. They are obviously harboring a demon…run!
10. Blinking lights and a sudden gush of cold air do not mean the electricity is funky or the air conditioner has kicked in…run!
9. Sulphur smell: it’s not just rotten eggs or a science experiment…run!
8. Always have a sarcastic comment ready to use when in a tight spot.
7. If windy-up toys start on their own….run!
6. Holy water is good to have around to help identify possible demons. Throw it on the “person” and then run!
 |
| Can't be too careful. |
5. Ghouls are harder to pick out than shapeshifters.
4. Good muscle tone is important, too, when finding oneself in a tight spot.
3. Dean’s car, a ’67 Chevy Impala, is a HOT car!
2. Creepy little kids are really creepy little demons. Especially, creepy little white girls. Angels inhabiting human bodies are more people-friendly than demons who are inhabiting human bodies; but not by much.
And the NUMBER ONE thing the PYB has learned from watching Supernatural is....Sam is H O T Dean is a rock star!
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=HsyMtYoSkC0
You are now prepared to fend off the things that go bump in the night.
Friday, October 1, 2010
The Petite Jeune Fille Brunette Has Her Say
or...Boys are Stupid, Throw Rocks at Them
The moral of this story is - don't mess with the affections of the PJFB. She'll come back at you like a spider monkey.
I'm done.
I'm through.
You used to make me happy,
But now I'm blue.
What ever happened to jokes we used share?
Or the way we just didn't care?
Now, it's like I'm not ever there...
I've played your game,
And I'm sick of the show.
Just tell me now, or just leave, just go.
I'm a stronger person, than you will ever be,
Because I know what's right for me.
You can tell me that everything's fine.
But I already know, you'll never be mine.
So, stop with the pulling
Of my stings that are attached.
Just cut it, just like you did the last.
I'm telling you this now,
Because I've finally figured it out.
You mean to jerk me around,
So I'll never have a doubt.
You can give it up,
Cause I'm just done with your tricks.
You're just another filthy bundle of lies and sticks.
What's sad is that,
You used to be,
A wonderful guy.
But now I'm learning,
That I'm just another one of your ties.
Wrapped around your finger, and wound so tight.
It's like I'm a puppet.
But guess what sparky?
That's ending tonight.
If friends is all we can be, then so be it.
I'm tired of your screwing around.
Your excuses.
Your whining.
I'm done with this never-ending flirtation.
It's rather annoying.
So lets just stop it now, cause I'm tired of the lies.
I'm not a child, so just shut up and try.
I see that you like other people,
And I'm not entirely surprised that you do.
But you know buddy,
The only person I like,
Is you.
So, you're acting like a jackass,
When you say the same things,
To all your ladies and then me.
This is what I wish I could say,
To your face right now.
And then walk along home,
In a billowy cloud.
Knowing that I won,
And the truth was told.
Then you go home, to your small dark hole.
And I am the one on the other end of the pole.
Smiling and happy,
Like I always should.
Cause you don't deserve what I have.
Or what I offer.
I've realized this now,
Thanks to a friend.
And you can go screw yourself.
I'm done. This is the end.
The moral of this story is - don't mess with the affections of the PJFB. She'll come back at you like a spider monkey.
Wednesday, September 8, 2010
The Petite Young Blonde and the Dancing Boner
Shortly after moving back to the ATL, the Petite Young Blonde, delightfully discovered that the incomparable Mikhail Baryshnikov was touring and coming to the beautiful Fox Theater. The PYB adored, admired and was simply obsessed with Mr. Baryshnikov back then and had been for many, many years. In case you didn't know he is a Russian ballet dancer who defected to the United States in 1974. He fascinated the PYB and she always watched the Nutcracker on PBS every Christmas. It did not escape her that he was also incredibly beautiful and, oh my, those legs........she had about three framed posters in her room. She read everything she could get her hands on articles and stories about him and even wrote a paper about him in college (an absolute literary masterpiece). So, Baryshnikov at the Fox? The Petite Young Blonde was going to be there!
The Hunky Husband was less than thrilled. He had put up with the framed prints, the obsession, the editing of the literary masterpiece and the Christmas Nutcracker tradition. However, even though he could appreciate the talent possessed by Baryshnikov it didn't stop him from coining him The Dancing Boner.
She called La Petite Soeur (LPS) and, of course, she was in and they devised a plan to surprise and treat The Mama. The Mama was living in Tennessee having been recently separated from The Daddy. She really needed a pick-me-up and a surprise was just the trick. The PYB and the LPS told The Mama to buy a new evening dress and to come down to the ATL. It was so hard to keep the secret! The build up to the big night was excruciatingly delicious.
A few days prior to The Mama's arrival the group decided that transportation would be a problem. Summer was in full tilt with the sun stuck on blistering hot, as it often is in Georgia. At that time the PYB was driving a lovely gray Mercury Lynx: no power anything, AM radio only, two doors and NO AIR. The HH had an Isuzu pick-up that would only seat two comfortably. The LPS, well, The PYB can't really remember, but she thinks the LPS had a Chevette. It was like a wind-up toy that required foot power like the Flinstones' car and that would have messed up their dress shoes. An alternative was needed and the only mode of transportation fitting for The Mama who was going to see the Dancing Boner was, naturally, a limousine. One was ordered posthaste.
The Mama arrived in Georgia and, still not knowing where she was headed, excitedly beautified herself. She was so pretty! The LPS wore a red "bubble" dress (think 1980's) and the PYB wore....a suit. Hey, they were broke back then and it was her only option. The Mama was finally told about the evening when the white limo pulled up to take the group to The Fox. It was a grand surprise and completely unexpected.
When The Mama was younger she made money by teaching ballet and later by attempting to teach college boys how to dance. She and The Daddy danced so well together and it was always a thrill to watch them when the PYB was a child. Unfortunately, the PYB did not inherit The Mama's dancing skills or rhythm (thank goodness for 80's new wave music; no dancing skills required to have fun with that). One of the PYB's earliest memories was going to see the Nutcracker with The Mama when she was about four or five years old. The Mama was elegant in her beehive and evening dress. So clearly, the ballet event on that hot night in Georgia was just the right thing to do for The Mama.
The fine looking group was dropped off in front of The Fox and they tried to look casually bored about the whole thing as they emerged from the limo....they do this every weekend...no big deal...just what do you think you're staring at?
The ballet was simply breathtaking. The PYB could hardly believe she was there seeing the mastery of The Dancing Boner. He was beautiful, graceful, commanding and masculine all at the same time. She had never seen anything so phenomenal; she teared up a lot.
Before they were ready the ballet was over. Their limo was waiting out front for the group to come out and so they put on their best bored faces and climbed back in. As the doors were shut and the driver got in he said, "Do you want to go around back behind The Fox and see if you can get any autographs?" He certainly didn't have to ask twice - damn straight! It was good to have a driver in the know. He drove around and there were plenty of other people with the same idea so the driver pulled up behind another limo and they began to wait.
Since it was getting hot in the limo they rolled down the windows. People turned to look - who's in the limo?? Everyone wonders that. Shortly, a woman came over and said to The Mama,
"Are you famous? Should we know you?"
The Mama put on her most bored look and replied in her most southern-laced accent,
"Why, we ah the Tuckas of May-re-etta."
And then slowly rolled up the window. Inside the limo they hollered!
Finally, some of the ballerinas were finally coming out of the back end of the Fox. Talk about petite! The PYB wanted to take them out for a full fledged-fried-in-lard southern dinner. The crowd outside began clapping as the dancers boarded their hotel van.
No one had entered the limo in front of them. Of course, they were still waiting for the man himself, The Dancing Boner. They had noticed their driver had left the car and was talking to the driver of the black limo in front of them and the drivers were in an intense conversation. By this time the PYB crew was standing outside the car as well; she supposes the excitement of being in the limo had worn off.
Their driver called them over and said, "The limo in front of us is for the Dancing Boner and they seem to be having some difficulty; the car won't start. The driver wants to know if we can take the Dancing Boner back to his hotel."
Was he serious?? Of course, they'll take him back to the hotel and the PYB will sit in his lap! This situation is one that could ONLY happen in a dream, and in fact, it had. LPS had dreamt that the Dancing Boner had looked her straight in the eyes. So the group began to clamber back into the limo like clowns in a mini car and then the driver said, "Umm, folks, you can't ride with him."
What?
Surely, he can not be serious.
He's just teasing; he doesn't mean it.
He meant it.
Well.
Just great.
So they gathered up their purses and programs and moved out of the way. There was a pathway of people forming and suddenly the Dancing Boner was making his way through. People were cheering and clapping (standing ovation). He was so handsome with his blonde hair and crystal blue eyes. It was a surreal moment! The object of the PYB's obsession was coming closer and closer...wow, he was shorter than she imagined. Did she try to touch him, talk to him? No, she simply stood there clapping like an idiot with a what probably looked like a demonic grin on her face (she'll eat him up she loves him so). He climbed into the limo with his entourage and the driver shut the door. The PYB group was still standing by the limo and LPS was right at the door....and the window was still rolled down :)
The LPS leaned her entire torso into the car with her huge bosom and ample cleavage right there in the Dancing Boner’s face and said, “Mr. Dancing Boner, can I please have your autograph?”
He replied in his soft Russian-accented voice, “If I give one to you I must give one to all."
"But, you're in our limo!" LPS said back. With a puzzled look he proceeded to roll up the window and LPS had to quickly get her bosom and head out of there.
The PYB is quite sure if the LPS had had a sharpie in hand and pulled her neckline down and offered a boobie the Dancing Boner would have signed it. He was that kind of guy (well, aren't they all? Yes, but with the exception of Super Buff Gay Friend with Super Model Good Looks).
The limo drove away with the Dancing Boner. And the rest of the crowd cleared out quickly.
And, so, there they were. Left behind The Fox Theater...in downtown ATL...alone...wondering...will the driver really come back? It was pretty dark back there. They were literally all dressed up with no where, no way to go. Where was the Dancing Boner staying? How far away could it be? Why is it taking so long? Should they walk around to the front? Wait, what was that? They better get their money back! Oh, thank goodness, there's the car...
As they climbed back in they discovered a slew of stuff left behind by the Dancing Boner and his entourage - YAY - goodies!! Souvenirs! Flowers, some papers and...napkins? Oooo, maybe he wiped his sweaty brow with them! Hurrah - keep 'em!
You probably think that was the end of the evening; they rode home talking about the night, questioning the driver, laughing, really excited that they pulled off the grand surprise. Well, they did go home. However, the excitement was too much for LPS. She had a condition at the time; sort of like having the vapors, but more serious. They wound up in the emergency room for a while and after being checked out the LPS was released. She just needed to take it easy.
That's what a Dancing Boner can do to a girl.
The Hunky Husband was less than thrilled. He had put up with the framed prints, the obsession, the editing of the literary masterpiece and the Christmas Nutcracker tradition. However, even though he could appreciate the talent possessed by Baryshnikov it didn't stop him from coining him The Dancing Boner.
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| Yes, this was one of her posters. |
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| Просто великолепный - this one was on her wall, too. |
A few days prior to The Mama's arrival the group decided that transportation would be a problem. Summer was in full tilt with the sun stuck on blistering hot, as it often is in Georgia. At that time the PYB was driving a lovely gray Mercury Lynx: no power anything, AM radio only, two doors and NO AIR. The HH had an Isuzu pick-up that would only seat two comfortably. The LPS, well, The PYB can't really remember, but she thinks the LPS had a Chevette. It was like a wind-up toy that required foot power like the Flinstones' car and that would have messed up their dress shoes. An alternative was needed and the only mode of transportation fitting for The Mama who was going to see the Dancing Boner was, naturally, a limousine. One was ordered posthaste.
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| Not a "night-at-the-ballet" car. |
The Mama arrived in Georgia and, still not knowing where she was headed, excitedly beautified herself. She was so pretty! The LPS wore a red "bubble" dress (think 1980's) and the PYB wore....a suit. Hey, they were broke back then and it was her only option. The Mama was finally told about the evening when the white limo pulled up to take the group to The Fox. It was a grand surprise and completely unexpected.
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| The Mama, LPS and the driver. |
When The Mama was younger she made money by teaching ballet and later by attempting to teach college boys how to dance. She and The Daddy danced so well together and it was always a thrill to watch them when the PYB was a child. Unfortunately, the PYB did not inherit The Mama's dancing skills or rhythm (thank goodness for 80's new wave music; no dancing skills required to have fun with that). One of the PYB's earliest memories was going to see the Nutcracker with The Mama when she was about four or five years old. The Mama was elegant in her beehive and evening dress. So clearly, the ballet event on that hot night in Georgia was just the right thing to do for The Mama.
The fine looking group was dropped off in front of The Fox and they tried to look casually bored about the whole thing as they emerged from the limo....they do this every weekend...no big deal...just what do you think you're staring at?
Before they were ready the ballet was over. Their limo was waiting out front for the group to come out and so they put on their best bored faces and climbed back in. As the doors were shut and the driver got in he said, "Do you want to go around back behind The Fox and see if you can get any autographs?" He certainly didn't have to ask twice - damn straight! It was good to have a driver in the know. He drove around and there were plenty of other people with the same idea so the driver pulled up behind another limo and they began to wait.
Since it was getting hot in the limo they rolled down the windows. People turned to look - who's in the limo?? Everyone wonders that. Shortly, a woman came over and said to The Mama,
"Are you famous? Should we know you?"
The Mama put on her most bored look and replied in her most southern-laced accent,
"Why, we ah the Tuckas of May-re-etta."
And then slowly rolled up the window. Inside the limo they hollered!
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| The Big Chicken in Marietta, GA ("you go to the Big Chicken and then turn....) |
No one had entered the limo in front of them. Of course, they were still waiting for the man himself, The Dancing Boner. They had noticed their driver had left the car and was talking to the driver of the black limo in front of them and the drivers were in an intense conversation. By this time the PYB crew was standing outside the car as well; she supposes the excitement of being in the limo had worn off.
Their driver called them over and said, "The limo in front of us is for the Dancing Boner and they seem to be having some difficulty; the car won't start. The driver wants to know if we can take the Dancing Boner back to his hotel."
Was he serious?? Of course, they'll take him back to the hotel and the PYB will sit in his lap! This situation is one that could ONLY happen in a dream, and in fact, it had. LPS had dreamt that the Dancing Boner had looked her straight in the eyes. So the group began to clamber back into the limo like clowns in a mini car and then the driver said, "Umm, folks, you can't ride with him."
What?
Surely, he can not be serious.
He's just teasing; he doesn't mean it.
He meant it.
Well.
Just great.
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| The Dancing Boner with Twyla Tharp |
So they gathered up their purses and programs and moved out of the way. There was a pathway of people forming and suddenly the Dancing Boner was making his way through. People were cheering and clapping (standing ovation). He was so handsome with his blonde hair and crystal blue eyes. It was a surreal moment! The object of the PYB's obsession was coming closer and closer...wow, he was shorter than she imagined. Did she try to touch him, talk to him? No, she simply stood there clapping like an idiot with a what probably looked like a demonic grin on her face (she'll eat him up she loves him so). He climbed into the limo with his entourage and the driver shut the door. The PYB group was still standing by the limo and LPS was right at the door....and the window was still rolled down :)
The LPS leaned her entire torso into the car with her huge bosom and ample cleavage right there in the Dancing Boner’s face and said, “Mr. Dancing Boner, can I please have your autograph?”
He replied in his soft Russian-accented voice, “If I give one to you I must give one to all."
"But, you're in our limo!" LPS said back. With a puzzled look he proceeded to roll up the window and LPS had to quickly get her bosom and head out of there.
The PYB is quite sure if the LPS had had a sharpie in hand and pulled her neckline down and offered a boobie the Dancing Boner would have signed it. He was that kind of guy (well, aren't they all? Yes, but with the exception of Super Buff Gay Friend with Super Model Good Looks).
The limo drove away with the Dancing Boner. And the rest of the crowd cleared out quickly.
And, so, there they were. Left behind The Fox Theater...in downtown ATL...alone...wondering...will the driver really come back? It was pretty dark back there. They were literally all dressed up with no where, no way to go. Where was the Dancing Boner staying? How far away could it be? Why is it taking so long? Should they walk around to the front? Wait, what was that? They better get their money back! Oh, thank goodness, there's the car...
As they climbed back in they discovered a slew of stuff left behind by the Dancing Boner and his entourage - YAY - goodies!! Souvenirs! Flowers, some papers and...napkins? Oooo, maybe he wiped his sweaty brow with them! Hurrah - keep 'em!
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| The spoils! (LPS) |
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| The HH and The Mama |
That's what a Dancing Boner can do to a girl.
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