Travel/Hotel follow-up

Ok, so the Super 8 in Columbus, GA did have an underlying scent of old cigarette smoke, tacky bedspreads and a retro TV; HOWEVER, it DID have a microwave, fridge, windows that opened and free internet service. It was $57. Take THAT $200/night Hyatt!

Some of The Petite Young Blonde’s Thoughts on Travel

Hello from the PYB! She is currently visiting Washington, DC for a work conference and this has spurned some thoughts and ideas on various levels about traveling. 

Leaving on a Trip

After taking so many traveling soccer trips and family vacations the PYB has identified female responsibilities and male responsibilities in preparing to depart.  All you single moms/dads do it all and the PYB’s vintage hat is off to you because it’s hard enough just to do one part (see Memory). 

            Female:

v    Finish the laundry

v    Pack the suitcases (self and children’s when younger)

v    Lock all windows/doors

v    Clean the cat poopers (the HH does this, too)

v    Turn off the coffee pot & unplug appliances

v    Water the plants

v    Gather food for the ride and hotel

v    Fill water bottles

v    Make sure children’s schedules are covered if going away for business (rides to school, lunches, after-school activities/care, any doctor appointments, play-dates, etc).

v    House is in some kind of decent order (however – remember that a clean house is the sign of a wasted life….)

v    Arrange animal care or in the case of cats make sure they have enough food & water

v    Take out trash

v    Print out directions (and hope Mapquest or Maps.Yahoo actually have it right)

v    Make sure kids have enough car/vacation activities packed – games, cards, books, movies, homework, etc.

Male:

v    Fill up the car

v    Pack suitcase

v    Load the car

v    Cut the grass if going away for more than a weekend

Hmmm, seems a bit off kilter doesn’t it? She is NOT saying this is the case all the time or for anyone else, OR that it’s unfair…it’s just the way it is.

The PYB loves being a traveling (soccer) mom.

Memory

Although she doesn’t travel alone a lot she does travel fairly often and mostly to soccer tournaments in the Southeast U.S.  It never fails something is always left at home. The PYB and her Petite Soeur used to have a handmade jewelry company and once she left a box of jewelry when going to a show!  When she and the Petite Jeune Fille Brunette drove to Ohio for her father-in-law’s funeral she arrived without her clothes. Upon arriving at the ATL airport she realized left the company check for the hotel….

Lists you say? Doesn’t matter. She usually can’t locate the list after it’s been written anyway.

The PYB forgot what she wanted to say.

Lost

She is directionally challenged and it’s obviously a defective gene that runs in the family – her Petite Soeur is inflicted as well.  It might be something that skips a generation, however.  Their parents didn’t seem to have it, and she isn’t sure about the grandparents – they didn't travel more than a 50 mile radius of their homes in Oklahoma that often.  It’s obvious the Premier Petite Jeune Fille Brunette does not have this defective gene, as she is able to travel across the world without issue.   All right, perhaps she can’t blame it on a bad gene after all. 

Again, when the PYB and her Petite Soeur were selling their jewelry they were consistently getting lost.  Having step-by-step directions aren’t always enough either. Knowing left from right has been proven to be a good skill to have of which the PYB is sorely lacking and having to give split second directional instructions can prove to be problematic.  Once the Petite Soeur was using her OnStar service to help her get home and the operator ended up calling her husband to let him know they couldn’t help her…yes, it’s that bad.

The PYB doesn’t travel alone that often and it makes her kind of anxious.  That’s why she double-checks everything.  So upon arriving in Washington this week she pulled out her hotel info to find out where to catch the shuttle and found that the hotel was by the Ronald Reagan Airport.  Her ticket said DCA.  A momentary panic set in and then just plain disgust. Had she not verified all of this when scheduling her ticket and hotel?? 

Just. Great.

She only had so much cash provided by her employer for traveling expenses and now she’ll have to hire a cab to take her to the hotel.  The subway/metro was an option but she’d definitely get herself lost on that and did not want to be wandering around the station with her suitcase and computer looking oh, so much like the lost out-of-towner she obviously was.  Where’s the damn information desk?

The PYB is so sick of being lost.

Hotels

Can anyone please explain to the PYB why the more expensive a hotel costs the less amenities it has available? For example, for $200 a night the Hyatt Crystal City has a killer bed – very comfy – with no less than eight, yes, eight pillows. The “complimentary” bathroom products have exotic fragrances like White Ginger and Sugary Citrus.  And the lighting, very soft and romantic.  However, where’s the microwave? Where’s the mini-fridge? How about the free continental breakfast?  How about movie channels or Disney (she really doesn’t need 5 cable news channels or 4 ESPN options)? And. where. in the name. of all that is. good and holy. is the free Wifi?!!??  Are you serious? $200 a night and the hotel still wants $10 per 24 hours of internet use?  That’s just plain tacky.  At least the Hyatt has in room coffee the Sofetel in Chicago didn’t even have that.  Oh, and the thin walls…not gonna discuss that.

The PYB is used to soccer tournament hotels. The cheap ones with mostly uncomfortable mattresses, a way to store and zap food, Suave shampoo & conditioner, three movie channels and Disney, and COFFEE. That’s what she’s used to and happy with. So she would gladly trade 2 pillows for a coffee pot and four pillows for the freaking internet so she can get her Facebook fix for the day and maybe even check email.

The PYB wants her wifi.

Maid Service

The PYB thinks that when staying in a hotel the “inner teenager” comes out and most of humanity reverts to being a total slob.  Yes, the PYB includes herself in this esteemed group.  There’s just something about dropping a towel on the floor, leaving it there, and not worrying about the tile being damp, or puddles forming outside the tub.  As for making the bed…well, she doesn’t even do that at home.

Hotel maids really do have a thankless job.  They have to deal with most unspeakable situations and filth.  Pizza fell facedown on the floor – oh, well.  Clumps of mud from the soccer field coming off the cleats in the room and being ground into the rug– oh, well.  Hotels at the beach during spring break – oh, well.  Because of hotel-induced slovenliness most guests are hoping that the room will get serviced while they’re out to breakfast.  That way the maid won’t be able to put a face with the pig inside – the humiliation! Which is why the PYB will clean up the spills, drips and dirt; but she draws the line at making the bed. 

The PYB does not like to feel humiliated.

Lost Part 2

Found the information desk…good news and big relief:  DCA is Ronald Reagan Airport – hurrah!  But that’s about as much info the Info Desk Guys could give me. After all, The PYB did interrupt them from reading their newspapers.  One would assume they would have information about where to pick up hotel shuttle and since they had a phone one would assume they would offer to make an informational phone call to the hotel since they didn’t know. 

The PYB was not impressed.

Hotels Part 2

If you are reading this it’s because the PYB broke down and spent $10 for the damn T-Mobile Hot Zone or Spot or whatever it’s called, because that’s just how much she loves you; her family and friends.

And the PYB will not be ignored – wifi or no wifi.

The Petite Young Blonde's Movie Review for April 18, 2010: Date Night - 10 shades of blonde out of 5!!!!!!

The PYB has not LAUGHED that hard in a movie since she and La Petite Soeur went to see "Something About Mary" and after margaritas. This time around, no margaritas and none needed! And it was continual laughing - with snorting - yes, as hard as it is to believe the PYB will snort when extremely tickled by something - it just the way it is.

Steve Carrell is hands down the funniest actor on the planet and pairing him with Tina Fey was nothing short of pure genius. Just looking at him makes the PYB crack up because you just never know what is going to come out of his mouth.

The plot is a hilarious case of mistaken identity with guns, car scenes and strip club dancing like you have never seen!

The PYB would be remiss if she did not mention Mark Walberg....who was never in a shirt. Ever. Does anyone else remember the Marky Mark Calvin Klein ads? Let's just say he could still do that. Oh my.

She plans on seeing this at least one more time - it's difficult to catch all of the movie when doubled over trying not to snort or trying not to laugh so loud you are asked to leave the theater.

MUST SEE!!

The Artist/Song Title Game

Using only song names from ONE ARTIST, cleverly answer these questions.  Try not to repeat a song title. It's a lot harder than you think. And a whole lotta fun!

Pick Your Artist: Elvis Costello (the PYB loves him.)

Are you male or female: Party Girl

Describe yourself: Uncomplicated

How do you feel about yourself: I Just Don't Know What To Do With Myself

Describe where you currently live: Home is Anywhere You Hang Your Head

If you could go anywhere, where would you go: London's Brilliant Parade

Your favorite form of transportation: The People's Limousine

Your best friend is: Little Goody Two Shoes

Your favorite color is: Almost Blue

What's the weather like: Strange

Favorite time of day: Night Time

If your life were a T.V. show, what would it be called: Episode of Blonde

What is life to you: B Movie

What is the best advice you have to give: Pump It Up

If you could change your name, what would it be: Veronica

Your favorite food is: Sweet Pear

Thought for the Day: Put Your Big Toe in the Milk of Human Kindess

How I would like to die: Poisoned Rose

My soul's present condition: High Fidelity

My motto: Accidents Will Happen

The Petite Young Blonde’s Guide to the New Year, 2010

 Author's Note: This was first published on January 1, 2010....it's time for a check up. So how is 2010 going for you so far?


1. Be nice. It’s really not that hard.

2. Follow your passion. Of course, you need to know what it is first. Take some time to figure it out; it will be worth it unless your decided passion is something like shoplifting, high speed chases or picking your nose. Those are all just wrong. The PYB is currently in between passions and will be working on this one herself.

3. Hug your people; that can never be done enough and no one really ever gets tired of it.

4. You know all those thoughts that cross your mind during the day? Verbalize the good ones. If you’re in the store and the woman in front of you has a cute hair cut tell her! Her day may have completely gone down hill - one comment could change that. You never know.

5. Go watch an Atlanta Beat women’s soccer game this summer! They’ll be playing in Kennesaw in a beautiful new stadium and there’s just not anything like live soccer. Don’t worry if you don’t know the rules, the PYB will be glad to explain (so it only took her about 6 yrs to figure out the off-sides call). These women play hard and fast - you won’t be disappointed.

6. Treat yourself every now and then. The PYB believes most of us have learned this lesson as we’ve become (clears throat) older. She treats herself with books, plants, candles, music and Netflix. She almost said cats, but that’s almost too “cat-lady like” and kinda creepy. She has a two cat limit any way.

7. Sleep! Plenty of it, too. Everything is manageable when you’ve had enough sleep. So that means no caffeine in the evening…the PYB has the new one cup Keurig coffee maker and, not only it just fun, it makes a damn fine cup of coffee; she hasn’t slept for days!

8. Surprise someone – send flowers out of the blue or better yet pick some wildflowers (not from a park, please) or cut some from your yard and take them to someone. You’ll get just as much satisfaction sending them as receiving. And keep in mind, the PYB’s favorites are daisies and sunflowers.

9. Recycle and use your own bags when shopping. IKEA sells really cheap and colorful shopping bags – the PYB loves them! You just have to remember to keep them in your car AND take them into the store. The PYB takes her recycling to work at KSU and is able to bring in cardboard, cans, paper and plastic. You will be amazed how much more room you’ll have in your trashcan. Composting is also a great way to help the environment; just make sure your compost pile is far away from your backyard deck! You can then use the compost to grow the flowers you’re going to bring to a friend.

10. Ladies, get yourself a red patent leather purse! No reason, just do it.

11. You and only you are responsible for your happiness – others can contribute and enhance it, but it’s ultimately up to you.

These are simple guidelines and there are plenty more. Feel free to add to the list. The petite young blonde needs reminders throughout the year – writing them down will hopefully help them stick in her head. She thanks you for indulging her.

Here’s to 2010!

What the Petite Young Blonde has learned/observed today, April 6, 2010

What the Petite Young Blonde has learned/observed today, April 6, 2010:

1. The Mariott Marquis Atlanta is beautiful and amazing, but sleeping on a pull out couch there is not different from one at the Hotel 6.
2. The PYB does not need to be on the 40^th floor of anything – unless it’s the Eiffel Tower.
3. Worst job ever: replacing the windows blown out by the Atlanta tornado of the Westin downtown, outside, hanging off the building on special scaffolding. Viewed from the 40^th floor of the Marriott Marquis and looking UP.
4. Wisteria and Redbud tree blooms are simply exquisite.
5. The PYB aspires to be as witty as Betty White in her old age.
6. Linen dresses are meant to be cool, however, when lined with polyester the complete opposite happens – especially when combined with pantyhose and a slip.
7. When switching purses it is essential to put the house key into the NEW purse.  Otherwise she winds up coming home and having to sit outside in the plastic-lined linen dress until the neighbor comes home and gives her the spare key.  By this time the pantyhose and slip are gone, the cats are banging on the window to get out and the PYB is covered in yellow pollen that has stuck to her sweat.
8. Allergy eye drops can feel almost … well, you know.

Why Do Bras Cost So Much....a song

I went to Kohl's to buy some bras
Ei ei o
How to choose from them all
Ei ei o
With a tug tug here and a tug tug there
Here a tug there a tug everywhere a tug tug
I went to Kohl’s to buy some bras
Ei ei o

I went to Kohl's to buy some bras
Ei ei o
Wanted color under my clothes
Ei ei o
With a red one there and a blue one there
Here a red there a blue everywhere a red and blue
I went to Kohl's to buy some bras
Ei ei o

I went to Kohl's to buy some bras
Ei ei o
Of course I couldn’t find my size
Ei ei o
With a B cup there and an B cup there
Here a B there a B everywhere a BBB
I went to Kohl's to buy some bras
Ei ei o

Why do bras cost so much
Ei ei o
I bust my wallet to cover my bust
Ei ei o
With a 100 dollars here and a 100 dollars there
Here a 100 there a 100 for a total of 200
Why do bras cost so much?
EI ….. EI ……. O!!!

Part 3: The Petite Young Blonde vs. the City of Kennesaw

REFRESHER –

PYB has two traffic tickets to fight; no brake lights, suspended license.

The PYB's Day in Court, March 23, 2010

After dropping off the Petite Jeune Fille Brunette at school the PYB headed to her AMF (Awesome Mechanic Friend) to check the brake lights before heading to the courthouse.  It would not be cool to get yet another ticket for the same thing in the same area.  Yep, they’re out.  He replaces them again; the 2^nd time within a month which was completely consistent with the internet research the PYB found.  The base of the bulbs, which is black plastic, is melted – EVIDENCE! She is SO going to win today!

Back at home…what to wear, what to wear?  New blue linen dress with white cardigan. Yes. No. Too dowdy.  Is dowdy good for court?  Hmmm, no, red knit dress with black jacket.  That works. Red is powerful, strong, in charge! Did you know it has been scientifically proven that teams that wear red uniforms win more often? So, power dress, fake Spanx, panty hose, sensible shoes, conservative earrings.  Good to go.

The PYB arrived at the Kennesaw Courthouse at 1:40 for her 2:00 appointment.  The parking was a few blocks away so she found a spot and started the trek to the courthouse. Once she reached the entrance of the Courthouse she was turned away – no purses allowed?? Are they serious? No cell phones, no granola bars. Great. So she turned around and hiked back to the car to put it away.

           

Sidebar – Any smart criminal would stake out the offsite parking lot and

watch for people returning to their cars with their cell phones and handbags.

Good grief. Talk about the perfect set up!

The PYB heads back quickly to the courthouse and goes through security.  In her pockets she paws out her keys, light bulbs, and pen and puts them into the basket and walks though the metal detector.  Success! The giant security guard who looked like the football player in The Blind Side, we’ll call him Gentle Ben, looks at her with raised eyebrows.  “Light bulbs, m’am?”  “Evidence,” says the PYB, scoops them up and goes into the courtroom.

She finds a seat and takes inventory of her paperwork: tickets, brake bulb receipts, research from the internet regarding the problem with the brake lights, and…hold up! Where’s the letter from Tennessee Helen?? That was to resolve her of the suspended license! It must be in her purse! It’s now 1:55pm so she bolts out of the courtroom and races back to her car…again. Curses! Thinking she only has five more minutes she breaks out in a run in her dress, fake Spanx and pantyhose. Ah, warming up outside, nice.

Uphill, uphill, no bursitis flare up, not now….go go go go….five minutes, just five minutes! She got to the car rifles through her purse and finds the certified letter from Louden County, TN (oh, is that where she got the original ticket that has caused this mess?) and a half full water bottle that had been rolling around in the floor of the back seat for a week or so.  She starts back while drinking the who-knows-how-old-water and feels her big toe pop through her pantyhose.  Sure, why not?  At least she didn’t dump the water all ov…never mind.  At this time the line for the courthouse is out the door and down the sidewalk.  She finally reaches security, and yes, Gentle Ben, she’s coming through again with her light bulbs.

The court room has filled up considerably, but being that she likes to see and hear what’s going on she walks up to the 2^nd row and sits at the end next a man.  No, a woman.  Oh dear, this person does not smell good! Old, old, old nicotine smell, slightly sickly sweet, not good, not good.  Nicotine Lady turns around and says hello.  What teeth are left are pretty much black and then she launches into a deep, hacking cough.  This is not going to work, but then court is called to order and the PYB was stuck. Ugh.

The first cases called involved guys in handcuffs and orange jumpsuits.  Ummmm, excuse me, but being that they don’t actually have anywhere to go like back to work or to soccer practice could they not be saved for last? Just askin’. After about an hour of prisoner issues they worked on cases involving minors and/or those charged with drug possession.  The PYB was starting to wonder if she was in the right place.  One young girl, there with her mom, was asked if she could pass a drug test that day.  She was honest and said, “No.”  They gave her another one and, sure enough, she tested positive for cocaine.  Why her mother didn’t beat her to a pulp right then and there on the spot the PYB will never know.

After the drugged out kids the judge announces that he’ll try to have everyone out within eight hours.  WHAT???!! It was 4:00…was he kidding?  What happened to the 2:00 appointment?  Why wasn’t this explained when the PYB called the day before to confirm? “Oh, and btw, m’am; be sure to have a hearty breakfast and lunch and don’t forget to hydrate! It’s gonna be a long day into night.” That would have been good customer service.

At this time the judge turns the room over to the City Solicitor, Dr. Oz, who talks for awhile, blah, blah, blah, blah and then the judge comes back and gives a powerpoint slideshow about traffic court! The PYB is dying a thousand deaths.  Nicotine Lady’s smell is about to choke her and she starting to feel the beginning of a headache.  The traffic court in Cobb County was nowhere near this ridiculous!  Ah… so she had heard. Right. Yeah. Anyway…(the PYB has a heavy foot).

At this point, please allow the PYB to take a moment to  tell you about some of the characters in the courtroom.  You’ve met Nicotine Lady and Dr. Oz.  The PYB would like to introduce you to Porky Pig.  He was a cop who, bless his heart, truly looked like Porky Pig in a policeman’s uniform.  The other courtroom cop was pretty short, older, and balding with what was left of his hair slicked back…in other words, Christopher Walken.  The PYB was quite sure that if anything janky went down in that room these men were NOT going to be able to subdue anyone.  If he had to move quickly, Porky Pig’s gun would certainly get jammed in his ginormous love handles as they covered the holster of his gun.  Not trying to be mean, just the facts.  This being said at the first opportunity the PYB escaped the smell of Nicotine Lady and moved to the last row of seats at the end by the exit.  She would not be placing her life in the hands of Porky and Christopher Walken; she needed a getaway plan.  There was also a woman in a “Budweiser The King of Beers” embroidered jacket and the PYB was really hoping she wasn’t there for a DUI charge. As for the judge, he wasn’t a bad sort and he smiled a lot and tried to make a few jokes.  But, can he be charmed by the PYB?  Not sure about that yet.

After some no-contest cases the rest of us had to sign up to see Dr. Oz, the solicitor, to  review our cases.  Could this not have happened as we arrived?  The PYB’s name was 5^th to the last on the list, hurrah! It was proving to be a really long day.  The judge took a break, but the solicitor would continue his interviews and call names.  Ok. Phone in car, granola bar in car, wallet in car…the PYB needed to go to her car.  She stepped out and asked Gentle Ben about leaving the building.

            “But if I leave the solicitor will certainly call my name,” said the PYB.

            “What’s your name, m’am?” asked Gentle Ben.

            “PYB, of course.”

“Ok, I’ll listen for it and if he calls you I’ll make sure you get put back to the top of the list.”

Sure you will, she thought. I bet you say that to everyone.  But she had to go!

Thank God it wasn’t a rainy day! By this time the run in her pantyhose was creeping up over the top of her shoe.  As she walked back to her car she noticed that some parking spaces were opening up near the building so, knowing it would probably be dark, she moved the car closer.  She called the Hunky Husband to explain what was going on.

Back though security and, no, Gentle Ben said, her name had not been called.  She filled up the basket with her light bulbs, pen, keys, wallet and gum.  She hurried up to wait so more. It was now 5:30 and here come so more orange jumpsuits.  Really?

Now the probation hearings were starting.  Up next, Teenage White Trash Girl.  If you were in court because you messed up your probation and had to answer to it would you actually wear sweats?  This really pathetic child was a teenaged, unemployed, single mom, who was knocked up again, and she had to pass a drug test.  Her sister and father were with her and, come to find out, her dad had just finished a chemotherapy session that morning.  The poor man looked worn out and frazzled. He tried to explain his daughter’s actions to the judge who patiently listened.  Long story short, Teenage White Trash Girl failed her drug test.  Sobbing ensued and TWTG started pleading to the judge about her baby at home and her dad, and she had a lead on a job, etc. This is what the judge said and the PYB almost stood up and applauded,

“Why do you expect me to care about your family, who I don’t know, when you didn’t care about them when you were out getting high and breaking your probation?  They aren’t my family; they’re yours. You are doing drugs and you are PREGNANT.  It’s time to grow up.”

Her dad kept saying it was all his fault and that she was a wild child.  The judge said, no, she has to be responsible for her actions.  Wow. What a concept!  TWTG goes straight to jail, do not pass go, do not collect $200. 

Five minute break! Finally! So the PYB takes a trip to the water closet and wouldn’t you know it; the solicitor called her name to come in and see him. Blast it all. Her file goes back into the pile.  It’s now 6:30pm and her stomach is grumbling.  More sitting and waiting.

Her name was eventually called and she was to go into the lobby to sit in a different chair to wait.  This is where the PYB met Daniel Radcliff/Harry Potter, a KSU art student.  He was a very pleasant young man who plans on having his own comic book series.  He had just returned from a semester abroad in Italy.  HP provided the only intelligent conversation the PYB had had all day!  He was just as bored and climbing the walls as she was.

Dr. Oz calls her name to come discuss her tickets and the game was on. The PYB gathered all her papers and put on her brightest, most charming smile and breezed into his office. She felt she was at a disadvantage because it was getting late and he had been at this all day. Surely, he was tired of hearing people’s excuses and stories.  This could go completely wrong!

He started with the suspended license.  Right from the start they were not on the same page. He started talking continuance and she’s thinking, “Oh, hell no I am NOT coming back here again.”  He was talking $780 fine for driving with a suspended license and she was thinking, “Oh , hell no, I can’t pay that! That’s Atlanta Beat season ticket money!” She tried to start from the beginning to explain how it all happened, but he didn’t want to hear it.  She kept saying that no, it never WAS supposed to be suspended because the fine had been paid.  HE was telling her that she didn’t pay the $35 GA reinstatement fee so technically it was suspended, blah, blah, blah.  But what about the certified document from Tennessee Helen stating her fine had been satisfied, etc?? And this went on for at least ten minutes. Fortunately, the PYB had her canceled check from when she had the stimulating visit to the GA DMV to replace the license the 12-year old cop took from her.  She paid all of $5.00. 

“Oh,” said Dr. Oz, “looks like they waived the reinstatement fee. I’ll dismiss

this charge.”

Thank You Baby Jesus!! Beat tickets, yes!!

            “Now, about the brake lights…”

Dr. Oz was not the least bit interested in her light bulbs. Fine: $123.50. 

“So, has anyone ever told you you look like Dr. Oz?”

Back into the courtroom, go see the judge, yes brake lights out, whatever, let’s get out of here, go pay fine, no sign of Harry Potter, hope it worked out for him, get the heck out of this building!

The morals of this story are:

v    Drive carefully and slowly when in the City of Kennesaw. In fact, just avoid it if possible. The PYB has now has 5 tickets issued to her from the eager Kennesaw police force.

v    If you own a 2003 Chevy Venture start socking away money to pay for a ticket.

Your brakes light bulbs are probably melting at this very moment and you are

gonna get in trouble for something you have no control over.

v    Fake Spanx – not worth it.  Splurge for the real thing.

The Petite Young Blonde vs The City of Kennesaw & the GA DMV, Parts 1 & 2

Part One: February 17, 2010


The Petite Young Blonde’s day started out like most others: she was running late. On this particular day there was nothing out of the ordinary on the drive to work except for the police car that was pulling out of the QT gas station behind the white Honda that was behind the PYB’s minivan. The PYB never likes having a police car behind her. One just never knew what they might do. She was almost going to make the light across the intersection of Pine Mountain and Hwy 41, but decided not to risk getting stopped by the Kennesaw Police; the light had already turned yellow. She waited patiently for her turn and was trying to decide on the Song of the Day…which one was it going to be? The leading contender up to that point was Elvis Costello’s “Tears Before Bedtime.” As it turned out the PYB’s Song of the Day was The Clash’s “Police On My Back.”

After the light turned green the PYB proceeded across the intersection and the white Honda turned right onto 41. That obviously put the Kennesaw Police car right behind the PYB. She consciously drove the speed limit into “downtown” Kennesaw, stopped at another light, turned right on Main Street and that’s when the flashing lights started. She made a mental list of why she could possibly be pulled over and had nothing. Except…maybe there’s an obscenity law in the City of Kennesaw and her “Feel Your Boobies – Tell A Friend” sticker was considered offensive.

She pulled into a dance academy parking lot, turned down Led Zeppelin on her iPod, turned off the car and started searching for her driver’s license and proof of insurance. Knowing that she couldn’t roll down her driver’s side window because it got stuck one day and her Amazing Mechanic Friend, the AMF, fixed it by taking out the motor, the PYB began hoping that her particular Kennesaw policeman wasn’t a skittish one who would draw his weapon when she opened the car door. She explained about the window and he gave an “aw-shucks” look. He looked about 12-years-old. He wasn’t very tall, had a Kennesaw Police knit cap on his head and his nose was red making the PYB decide she wasn’t his only take down this morning.

He went through the routine (yes, hard to believe that the PYB would know the routine, but she does). Not finding her insurance card he politely told her that was fine he can look it up on his computer and took her license. His car was parked behind her van with lights still flashing…how embarrassing! While he was doing his thing the PYB called her job and let them know she was going to be later than expected. The process seemed to be taking an eternity, which caused the PYB a bit of anxiety…

She glanced in the side mirror and noticed the blue & red lights had been turned off, thank goodness. Then she looked in the rearview mirror and no; the lights were still on…there’s another freaking police car! What the heck? The teenager came back to talk to the PYB and the other, bigger, burlier, taller, more menacing cop walked toward the van while looking it up and down and took up his post by the passenger side door. What did they think she had done? Were they expecting her to make a run for it? She had on pantyhose, a dress skirt and sensible shoes for crying out loud. Is his hand on his freaking holster?? What the hell?
“Ms. Blonde, m’am? Did you know your license has been suspended?”

“I. Ah. What? Why? Ah. Well. I. When? ?????????

“Yes, m’am. It was suspended 3 years ago.”

?????????????????????????????????????????? “OH!” The light bulb went on and she quickly tried to start explaining and he was kind enough to at least pretend he was listening.
Background: On July 3, 2007, the PYB and la Premiere Petite Jeune Fille were traveling back from Ohio. They were singing a Killers song at the top of their voices, and not very well, when that horrible, siren noise started up and seemed to be behind them in a split second. Yes, a ticket was given for speeding…that’s what good music can do to a driver on the long, boring road from Ohio to Georgia.

“Yes, m’am,” that kid in cop clothes said ever so politely, “it would be hard to reinstate it if no one told you to do that, but I’m still gonna have to keep your license. Now, I have two citations for you. One is for the brake lights and one for the suspended license. Will you please sign here and here? Do you have someone who can come pick you up?” Yes, no, maybe? “I have to go back and finish up this paperwork.” Just great! Fine. Fine. Fine. Little Teenage Cop, you are so gonna be in my story!

The PYB called her job again and asked if someone could please come and get her. Lynn was on her way.

“Oh, and m’am. Your car is parked on private property.”

So the PYB has no license, two tickets and an illegally parked car. Lynn picked her up and brought her to work and she called her best friend, #1TBF. #1TBF had her son’s car that day and agreed to pick her up and bring her back to Paulding County to work on the license issue. At least that’s what the 12-year-old cop said, to go to the county the driver’s license was issued in and do whatever.

Background: The PYB forgot to pay the speeding ticket from Tennessee. It was one of those, “call in ten days and we’ll tell you how much you owe” kind of thing. When the human memory capacity has hit the red zone and there’s no jump drive, thumb drive, or memory stick to back it up to, things are going to fall through the cracks. The PYB’s intention was to pay the fine prior to the court date, as she was NOT going back to Tennessee for a speeding ticket. In early January of 2008 she received a notice stating that her license would be suspended if the ticket were not paid by whatever date. Oops, a few months late. Finding a credit card, she dialed the number on the notice and paid for the ticket. “What happens now?” she asked. Tennessee would notify Georgia that the ticket was paid and rescind the suspension. Sweet! Stamp that OVER.

Not so over.

The PYB and #1TBF drove to the brand spankin’ new Paulding County facility only to find that Paulding doesn’t have a DMV, just a tag office. “Well, where do I go to fix this?” she asked the lady behind the glass. The lady couldn’t tell the PYB, which, she was finding out, was fairly typical. The PYB and the #1TBF decided to go the DMV in Cobb County so off they went burning up the #1TBF son’s gas.

Once at the Piedmont Village DMV located in Cobb County the PYB explained the situation for the 3rd time that day and was told that,

“No, we can’t help you without proper id.”

“Well, right now a teenage cop has my id. I’ve got a KSU picture ID, a debit card, an insurance card….”

“I need either one thing from this list or two things from that list.”

Gee, the PYB thought to herself (because it’s just suicide to piss of the DMV Lady) I don’t carry around my birth certificate, my social security card or my passport, which is probably expired any way.

“I’ll do you a favor,” said DMV Lady. “Call this number and get your citation number and they will give you the phone number to call in Tennessee.”

Finally!! Someone who has part of an answer. Maybe. Perhaps. She hopes.

At that point the PYB and #1TBF decided it was time for some Chinese food. One can take only so much on a couple of low-fat, high fiber muffins. Once back at the office the PYB called the GA DMV, got the required information and placed a call to Tennessee.

“Sterner’s Hardware”

Without missing a beat the PYB launched into her story for the 4th time.

“M’am, I wish I could help you, but you’ve reached Sterner’s Hardware. You need the court. I’ve got their number – we get calls like this all the time.” Wow.
Truly unbelievable. The PYB tried the new number not expecting much by this time. Tennessee Helen answered the phone with a soft southern drawl and sympathetic ear and heard the PYB’s 5th recap of the day and looked up the information that could mean oh, so much to the PYB.
“Sure enough. You paid us in January of ’08 and we notified Georgia on March 12, 2008 that it was paid and to rescind the suspension.” Hot damn! Redeemed! Tennessee Helen promised to fax the information to the Piedmont Village DMV and would just need to go in and get another license. The PYB then called the City of Kennesaw, blah, blah, blah 6th explanation…no, she’d still have to go to court, and no, she couldn’t come in and pick up her original license. They wouldn’t have it until maybe next Monday and even then couldn’t guarantee they could give it to me. “But, that one had a really good picture on it…” Back to her job.

So, try as she may she couldn’t concentrate on work and just continued to get more and more frustrated over the whole scenario. One person’s negligence had wreaked havoc not only to the PYB’s day, but those of her co-workers, clients and friend. Just trying to organize rides to where she needs to be is so inconvenient to so many. AARRGGHHH. And, wait, WHAT’S THIS??? Looking closer to the two new citations did it actually say her hair was….BROWN? Oh, hell, no! Now she was really mad! That was the last damn straw!

As for the taillights her AMF came by her house and worked on the brake lights…no, not burned out, but bad connections were the culprit. His wife has the same van and the same problems. So any time she hits a pothole the PYB will have to make sure her brake lights still work. Maybe AMF should write a certified letter explaining the situation to the judge….hmm. That might help.  Further research uncovered an entire history of problems with brake lights of 2003 Chevy Venture vans....print, print, print! No recalls as of yet; someone probably has to die first.

Tomorrow will consist of having #1TBF drive her to work, then she’ll walk to the DOL to give a presentation, walk back to work, and by that time #1TBF will be back from her seminar in downtown Atlanta and she can then drive the PYB to the DMV. She hopes it will all go smoothly. But, this is the PYB’s life, so who knows?? Part Two will post tomorrow.

How was YOUR day?

Part Two: February 18, 2010

Trip to the DMV went well! Surprise! Three hours and three windows later the PYB is once again a licensed driver! Hurrah! However, the PYB is not happy with the picture - the other license was MUCH cuter, but then again, it was taken 15 years ago when the PYB was a mere babe and could date the teenage Kennesaw policeman.

Part three will be posted after the March 23rd court date. Stay tuned!

The Petite Blonde on the Highway to Hell

Scenario: While driving to pick up oldest daughter from

college, the petite young blonde (it's my story and I'm

taking writer's license here) hits a grignack (don't know

what the hell it was) in the road at 1:00am thereby

shredding the front left tire. She skillfully pulls the van

to the side of the road avoiding the semi on the right.

The young, six-packed, hunky husband (again, it's my story)

wakes up from the back seat with a start. As he gets out

of the car to inspect the damage she quickly calls USAA

roadside assistance. The hunky husband is saying something

thru the window, but she is trying to push the right buttons

requested by the computer on the other end of the phone.

As she finally connects with a human & is explaining

the situation the petite young blonde realizes she hasn't seen

her husband for a few minutes. She gets out of the car and

he's no where to be found. She screams his name several

times, but it is lost in the sound of the 18 wheelers swooshing

by. Visions of him pancaked by a speeding truck come to mind,

but visions of him being dragged away by a psycho killer are

stronger. "oh, no!" the petite young blonde thinks, " we've

become the stupid couple at the beginning of a Supernatural

episode that gets killed by monsters, aliens or demons!"

She hysterically tells the USAA rep that she can't find her

husband. The USAA rep suggests the young, petite blonde

get back in the car and lock the doors.

As she continues to give information to the USAA rep the

young, hunky husband raps on the window scaring the hell

out of her. She determines that he has not been changed into

anything other-worldly and unlocks the door. He proceeds to

work on changing the tire while using language much too harsh

for the petite young blonde's delicate ears. He succeeds putting

on the gimpy spare tire as the rescue truck calls. After much

debate they decide to proceed to Texas, but at a much lower

rate of speed.

After another hour or so, the tired young couple decide to pull

off in a rest stop and try to sleep a few hours. Not being able

to sleep well because it's freaking freezing, petite young blonde

decides to drive on mainly to get the heater going again.

After swapping places every few hours or so the young

couple finds themselves in Brandon, MS buying not one,

but 3 new tires and eating a greasy breakfast at the local

Kroger store.

Part Two

After consuming the unsatisfying greasy breakfast the petite

young blonde and hunky husband proceed back to Scotty's Tire

City and wait for the verdict on the bent rim of the van's tire

wheelie-thingy. Auto repair shops should consider hiring

therapists to consult with their customers after the bad news is

given. The rim, which if purchased new, will cost $500, however,

there is not one to be found in the state of Mississippi at 8:00am

on a Saturday. Even if there was one the young couple would

not even consider replacing it at that price UNLESS there was no

other way. The tire surgeons will try to work out the damage to

the rim, but it doesn't look good.

After more waiting and being yelled at by Fox News anchors on

the flat screen in the waiting room the petite young blond sees the

van being pulled into the parking lot. Cheers erupt!

The petite young blonde and hunky husband continue driving

down I20 towards Texas. Cheers erupt again as a new state line

is crossed.

Eighteen hours later the young couple find themselves at

their daughter's college and locate her suite which is on the

top floor - 3 flights up - no elevator. After 18 hours of driving

and 15 trips up and down the flight of stairs the petite young

blonde has decided she is no longer young, petite or even really

blonde any more. She also realizes the hunky husband no longer

has a six pack unless it's the one in the fridge.

The petite young blonde (I've held the illusion this long, why stop

now) is exhausted beyond belief, hungry for something substantial

and realizes she has no idea where her bra is, but may have left it

in the bathroom at a rest stop somewhere in Louisiana (the

underwire was poking her and making her cranky).

The car is packed, but now we wait for approval from the dorm

Nazi to leave. Does the petite young blonde, hunky husband

and Greece bound daughter start driving back...so far that

remains to seen.

Part Three

Yes, the travelers continue to, well, travel; they did stop at

the local Olive Garden for dinner where the petite young blonde

was splattered with tomato sauce when the waiter dropped the

plate. No worries...it just added to the whole ambiance of the trip

and by then delirium had set in and the trio laughed for quite

some time until people started to stare...which only made them

want to laugh more. So the trip to Georgia proceeds.

At this point the petite young blonde and the hunky husband

are mostly numb and driving by instinct. The night was rainy

and foggy, but fairly empty so they were making descent time.

Another nap at a rest stop at about 3:00am and then they were

back on the road.

Caffeinated to the hilt and on Milk Dud high all was well until

mile marker #83 on I-20E at 12:30pm on Sunday. Another east

bound traveler kindly honked their horn and pointed to the

right side back tire. Yes, dear reader, another flat...again.

The tired old fart and the stanky cranky hag got out of the car

to take a look and silently began unloading all the stuff that

was so recently packed with care only 14 hours prior. The tired

old fart replaces the new tire with the gimpy spare with the

speed of the father in the Christmas Story. It was daylight, no

longer raining and a state trooper even stopped to help, so no

worries of alien abductions or psycho killers coming around.

The Greece-bound daughter wonders out loud "are we going

to get lunch soon?" The stanky cranky hag shoots her a look

and has no words for her.

The stanky cranky hag decides that I-20 is cursed to anyone

in her immediate Tucker family as her father has lost not one,

but two, transmissions on the way from Texas to Georgia.

The decision is made that daughter number two WILL NOT

attend college any where that requires driving along I-20.

Applications are now being accepted from any thrill seekers

who wish to take the ride of their lives in September 2010

when the Greece-bound daughter is once again Sherman-bound

for the last time. The tired old fart will not be taking daughter

#1 back (he'll happily be back in school) and after this adventure

the stanky cranky hag's sister may reconsider. Who will it be?

Perhaps the stanky cranky hag's super buff gay friend with

super model looks? Hmmm, time will tell.

The stanky cranky hag is just happy that all is home safe

and plans on enjoying the Christmas season and the Greece-

bound daughter as much as possible until she leaves in January.

The stanky cranky hag has decided that Dorothy said it best,

"There's no place like home."