Wednesday, September 8, 2010

The Petite Young Blonde and the Dancing Boner

    Shortly after moving back to the ATL, the Petite Young Blonde, delightfully discovered that the incomparable Mikhail Baryshnikov was touring and coming to the beautiful Fox Theater.  The PYB adored, admired and was simply obsessed with Mr. Baryshnikov back then and had been for many, many years.  In case you didn't know he is a Russian ballet dancer who defected to the United States in 1974.  He fascinated the PYB and she always watched the Nutcracker on PBS every Christmas.  It did not escape her that he was also incredibly beautiful and, oh my, those legs........she had about three framed posters in her room.  She read everything she could get her hands on articles and stories about him and even wrote a paper about him in college (an absolute literary masterpiece).  So, Baryshnikov at the Fox? The Petite Young Blonde was going to be there!

     The Hunky Husband was less than thrilled. He had put up with the framed prints, the obsession, the editing of the literary masterpiece and the Christmas Nutcracker tradition.  However, even though he could appreciate the talent possessed by Baryshnikov it didn't stop him from coining him The Dancing Boner.

Yes, this was one of her posters.

Просто великолепный - this one was on her wall, too.
 She called La Petite Soeur (LPS) and, of course, she was in and they devised a plan to surprise and treat The Mama.  The Mama was living in Tennessee having been recently separated from The Daddy.  She really needed a pick-me-up and a surprise was just the trick.  The PYB and the LPS told The Mama to buy a new evening dress and to come down to the ATL.  It was so hard to keep the secret!  The build up to the big night was excruciatingly delicious.  

     A few days prior to The Mama's arrival the group decided that transportation would be a problem.  Summer was in full tilt with the sun stuck on blistering hot, as it often is in Georgia.  At that time the PYB was driving a lovely gray Mercury Lynx: no power anything, AM radio only, two doors and NO AIR.  The HH had an Isuzu pick-up that would only seat two comfortably. The LPS, well, The PYB can't really remember, but she thinks the LPS had a Chevette.  It was like a wind-up toy that required foot power like the Flinstones' car and that would have messed up their dress shoes.  An alternative was needed and the only mode of transportation fitting for The Mama who was going to see the Dancing Boner was, naturally, a limousine.  One was ordered posthaste.

Not a "night-at-the-ballet" car.

       The Mama arrived in Georgia and, still not knowing where she was headed, excitedly beautified herself. She was so pretty! The LPS wore a red "bubble" dress (think 1980's) and the PYB wore....a suit. Hey, they were broke back then and it was her only option.  The Mama was finally told about the evening when the white limo pulled up to take the group to The Fox.  It was a grand surprise and completely unexpected.
The Mama, LPS and the driver.

     When The Mama was younger she made money by teaching ballet and later by attempting to teach college boys how to dance.  She and The Daddy danced so well together and it was always a thrill to watch them when the PYB was a child.  Unfortunately, the PYB did not inherit The Mama's dancing skills or rhythm (thank goodness for 80's new wave music; no dancing skills required to have fun with that).  One of the PYB's earliest memories was going to see the Nutcracker with The Mama when she was about four or five years old. The Mama was elegant in her beehive and evening dress. So clearly, the ballet event on that hot night in Georgia was just the right thing to do for The Mama.

     The fine looking group was dropped off in front of The Fox and they tried to look casually bored about the whole thing as they emerged from the limo....they do this every big deal...just what do you think you're staring at?

     The ballet was simply breathtaking. The PYB could hardly believe she was there seeing the mastery of The Dancing Boner.  He was beautiful, graceful, commanding and masculine all at the same time.  She had never seen anything so phenomenal; she teared up a lot.

     Before they were ready the ballet was over.  Their limo was waiting out front for the group to come out and so they put on their best bored faces and climbed back in.  As the doors were shut and the driver got in he said, "Do you want to go around back behind The Fox and see if you can get any autographs?"  He certainly didn't have to ask twice - damn straight! It was good to have a driver in the know.  He drove around and there were plenty of other people with the same idea so the driver pulled up behind another limo and they began to wait.

 Since it was getting hot in the limo they rolled down the windows.  People turned to look - who's in the limo?? Everyone wonders that. Shortly, a woman came over and said to The Mama,
     "Are you famous? Should we know you?"
The Mama put on her most bored look and replied in her most southern-laced accent,
     "Why, we ah the Tuckas of May-re-etta."
And then slowly rolled up the window.  Inside the limo they hollered!

The Big Chicken in Marietta, GA ("you go to the Big Chicken and then turn....)
     Finally, some of the ballerinas were finally coming out of the back end of the Fox.  Talk about petite!  The PYB wanted to take them out for a full fledged-fried-in-lard southern dinner.  The crowd outside began clapping as the dancers boarded their hotel van.

     No one had entered the limo in front of them.  Of course, they were still waiting for the man himself, The Dancing Boner.  They had noticed their driver had left the car and was talking to the driver of the black limo in front of them and the drivers were in an intense conversation.  By this time the PYB crew was standing outside the car as well; she supposes the excitement of being in the limo had worn off. 

     Their driver called them over and said, "The limo in front of us is for the Dancing Boner and they seem to be having some difficulty; the car won't start.  The driver wants to know if we can take the Dancing Boner back to his hotel."

    Was he serious?? Of course, they'll take him back to the hotel and the PYB will sit in his lap! This situation is one that could ONLY happen in a dream, and in fact, it had. LPS had dreamt that the Dancing Boner had looked her straight in the eyes.  So the group began to clamber back into the limo like clowns in a mini car and then the driver said, "Umm, folks, you can't ride with him."
     Surely, he can not be serious.
     He's just teasing; he doesn't mean it.
     He meant it.
     Just great.
The Dancing Boner with Twyla Tharp 

    So they gathered up their purses and programs and moved out of the way.  There was a pathway of people forming and suddenly the Dancing Boner was making his way through.  People were cheering and clapping (standing ovation).  He was so handsome with his blonde hair and crystal blue eyes.  It was a surreal moment!  The object of the PYB's obsession was coming closer and, he was shorter than she imagined. Did she try to touch him, talk to him?  No, she simply stood there clapping like an idiot with a what probably looked like a demonic grin on her face (she'll eat him up she loves him so). He climbed into the limo with his entourage and the driver shut the door.  The PYB group was still standing by the limo and LPS was right at the door....and the window was still rolled down  :)

 The LPS leaned her entire torso into the car with her huge bosom and ample cleavage right there in the Dancing Boner’s face and said, “Mr. Dancing Boner, can I please have your autograph?”
     He replied in his soft Russian-accented voice, “If I give one to you I must give one to all."
     "But, you're in our limo!" LPS said back.  With a puzzled look he proceeded to roll up the window and LPS had to quickly get her bosom and head out of there.

     The PYB is quite sure if the LPS had had a sharpie in hand and pulled her neckline down and offered a boobie the Dancing Boner would have signed it.  He was that kind of guy (well, aren't they all? Yes, but with the exception of Super Buff Gay Friend with Super Model Good Looks).

     The limo drove away with the Dancing Boner.  And the rest of the crowd cleared out quickly.

     And, so, there they were. Left behind The Fox downtown ATL...alone...wondering...will the driver really come back? It was pretty dark back there.  They were literally all dressed up with no where, no way to go.  Where was the Dancing Boner staying?  How far away could it be?  Why is it taking so long?  Should they walk around to the front? Wait, what was that?  They better get their money back! Oh, thank goodness, there's the car...

     As they climbed back in they discovered a slew of stuff left behind by the Dancing Boner and his entourage - YAY - goodies!!  Souvenirs! Flowers, some papers and...napkins? Oooo, maybe he wiped his sweaty brow with them!  Hurrah - keep 'em!
The spoils! (LPS)

The HH and The Mama
     You probably think that was the end of the evening; they rode home talking about the night, questioning the driver, laughing, really excited that they pulled off the grand surprise. Well, they did go home.  However, the excitement was too much for LPS.  She had a condition at the time; sort of like having the vapors, but more serious.  They wound up in the emergency room for a while and after being checked out the LPS was released.  She just needed to take it easy.

     That's what a Dancing Boner can do to a girl.