Monday, November 22, 2010

The Petite Young Blonde vs. the City of Kennesaw & the Georgia DMV

Part One

The Petite Young Blonde’s day started out like most others: she was running late. On this particular day there was nothing out of the ordinary on the drive to work except for the police car that was pulling out of the QT gas station behind the white Honda that was behind the PYB’s minivan. The PYB never likes having a police car behind her. One just never knew what they might do. She was almost going to make the light across the intersection of Pine Mountain and Hwy 41, but decided not to risk getting stopped by the Kennesaw Police; the light had already turned yellow. She waited patiently for her turn and was trying to decide on the Song of the Day…which one was it going to be? The leading contender up to that point was Elvis Costello’s “Tears Before Bedtime.” As it turned out the PYB’s Song of the Day was The Clash’s “Police On My Back.”

After the light turned green the PYB proceeded across the intersection and the white Honda turned right onto 41. That obviously put the Kennesaw Police car right behind the PYB. She consciously drove the speed limit into “downtown” Kennesaw, stopped at another light, turned right on Main Street and that’s when the flashing lights started. She made a mental list of why she could possibly be pulled over and had nothing. Except…maybe there’s an obscenity law in the City of Kennesaw and her “Feel Your Boobies – Tell A Friend” sticker was considered offensive.

She pulled into a dance academy parking lot, turned down Led Zeppelin on her iPod, turned off the car and started searching for her driver’s license and proof of insurance. Knowing that she couldn’t roll down her driver’s side window because it got stuck one day and her Amazing Mechanic Friend, the AMF, fixed it by taking out the motor, the PYB began hoping that her particular Kennesaw policeman wasn’t a skittish one who would draw his weapon when she opened the car door. She explained about the window and he gave an “aw-shucks” look. He looked about 12-years-old. He wasn’t very tall, had a Kennesaw Police knit cap on his head and his nose was red making the PYB decide she wasn’t his only take down this morning.

He went through the routine (yes, hard to believe that the PYB would know the routine, but she does). Not finding her insurance card he politely told her that was fine he can look it up on his computer and took her license. His car was parked behind her van with lights still flashing…how embarrassing! While he was doing his thing the PYB called her job and let them know she was going to be later than expected. The process seemed to be taking an eternity, which caused the PYB a bit of anxiety…

She glanced in the side mirror and noticed the blue & red lights had been turned off, thank goodness. Then she looked in the rearview mirror and no; the lights were still on…there’s another freaking police car! What the heck? The teenager came back to talk to the PYB and the other, bigger, burlier, taller, more menacing cop walked toward the van while looking it up and down and took up his post by the passenger side door. What did they think she had done? Were they expecting her to make a run for it? She had on pantyhose, a dress skirt and sensible shoes for crying out loud. Is his hand on his freaking holster?? What the hell?

“Ms. Blonde, m’am? Did you know your license has been suspended?”
“I. Ah. What? Why? Ah. Well. I. When? ?????????
“Yes, m’am. It was suspended 3 years ago.”
?????????????????????????????????????????? “OH!” The light bulb went on and she quickly tried to start explaining and he was kind enough to at least pretend he was listening.

Background: On July 3, 2007, the PYB and la Premiere Petite Jeune Fille were traveling back from Ohio. They were singing a Killers song at the top of their voices, and not very well, when that horrible, siren noise started up and seemed to be behind them in a split second. Yes, a ticket was given for speeding…that’s what good music can do to a driver on the long, boring road from Ohio to Georgia.

“Yes, m’am,” that kid in cop clothes said ever so polite, “it would be hard to reinstate it if no one told you to do that, but I’m still gonna have to keep your license. Now, I have two citations for you. One is for the brake lights and one for the suspended license. Will you please sign here and here? Do you have someone who can come pick you up?” Yes, no, maybe? “I have to go back and finish up this paperwork.” Just great. Fine. Fine. Fine. Little Teenage Cop, you are so gonna be in my story!

The PYB called her job again and asked if someone could please come and get her. Lynn was on her way.

“Oh, and m’am. Your car is parked on private property.”

So the PYB has no license, two tickets and an illegally parked car. Lynn picked her up and brought her to work and she called her best friend, #1TBF. #1TBF had her son’s car that day and agreed to pick her up and bring her back to Paulding County to work on the license issue. At least that’s what the 12-year-old cop said, to go to the county the driver’s license was issued in and do whatever.

Background: The PYB forgot to pay the speeding ticket from Tennessee. It was one of those, “call in ten days and we’ll tell you how much you owe” kind of thing. When the human memory capacity has hit the red zone and there’s no jump drive, thumb drive, or memory stick to back it up to, things are going to fall through the cracks. The PYB’s intention was to pay the fine prior to the court date, as she was NOT going back to Tennessee for a speeding ticket. In early January she received a notice stating that her license would be suspended if the ticket were not paid by whatever date. Oops, a few months late. Finding a credit card she dialed the number on the notice and paid for the ticket. “What happens now?” she asked. Tennessee would notify Georgia that the ticket was paid and rescind the suspension. Sweet! Stamp that OVER.

Not so over.

The PYB and #1TBF drove to the brand spankin’ new Paulding County facility only to find that Paulding doesn’t have a DMV, just a tag office. “Well, where do I go to fix this?” she asked the lady behind the glass. The lady couldn’t tell the PYB, which, she was finding out, was fairly typical. The PYB and the #1TBF decided to go the DMV in Cobb County so off they went burning up the #1TBF son’s gas.

Once at the Piedmont Village DMV located in Cobb the PYB explained the situation for the 3rd time that day and was told that,

“No, we can’t help you without proper id.”
“Well, right now a teenage cop has my id right now. I’ve got a KSU picture ID, a debit card, an insurance card….”
“I need either one thing from this list or two things from that list.”
Gee, the PYB thought to herself (because it’s just suicide to piss of the DMV Lady) I don’t carry around my birth certificate, my social security card or my passport, which is probably expired any way.
“I’ll do you a favor,” said DMV Lady. “Call this number and get your citation number and they will give you the phone number to call in Tennessee.”
Finally!! Someone who has part of an answer. Maybe. Perhaps. She hopes.

At that point the PYB and #1TBF decided it was time for some Chinese food. One can take only so much on a couple of low-fat, high fiber muffins. Once back at the office the PYB called the GA DMV, got the required information and placed a call to Tennessee.

“Sterner’s Hardware”
Without missing a beat the PYB launched into her story for the 4th time.
“M’am, I wish I could help you, but you’ve reached Sterner’s Hardware. You need the court. I’ve got their number – we get calls like this all the time.” Wow.

Truly unbelievable. The PYB tried the new number not expecting much by this time. Tennessee Helen answered the phone with a soft southern drawl and sympathetic ear and heard the PYB’s 5th recap of the day and looked up the information that could mean oh, so much to the PYB.

“Sure enough. You paid us in January of ’08 and we notified Georgia on March 12, 2008 that it was paid and to rescind the suspension.” Hot damn! Redeemed! Tennessee Helen promised to fax the information to the Piedmont Village DMV and would just need to go in and get another license. The PYB then called the City of Kennesaw, blah, blah, blah #6…no, she’d still have to go to court, and no, she couldn’t come in and pick up her original license. They wouldn’t have it until maybe next Monday and even then couldn’t guarantee they could give it to me. “But, that one had a really good picture on it…” Back to her job.

So, try as she may she couldn’t concentrate on work and just continued to get more and more frustrated over the whole scenario. One person’s negligence had wreaked havoc not only to the PYB’s day, but those of her co-workers, clients and friend. Just trying to organize rides to where she needs to be is so inconvenient to so many. AARRGGHHH. And, wait, WHAT’S THIS??? Looking closer to the two new citations did it actually say her hair was….BROWN? Oh, hell, no! Now she was really mad! That was the last damn straw!

As for the taillights her AMF came by her house and worked on the brake lights…no, not burned out, but bad connections were the culprit. His wife has the same van and the same problems. So any time she hits a pothole the PYB will have to make sure her brake lights still work. Maybe AMF should write a certified letter explaining the situation to the judge….hmm. That might help.

Tomorrow will consist of having #1TBF drive her to work, then she’ll walk to the DOL to give a presentation, walk back to work, and by that time #1TBF will be back from her seminar in downtown Atlanta and she can then drive the PYB to the DMV. She hopes it will all go smoothly. But, this is the PYB’s life, so who knows?? Part Two will post tomorrow.

How was YOUR day?

Part Two:

Trip to the DMV went well! Surprise! Three hours and three windows later the PYB is once again a licensed driver! Hurrah! However, the PYB is not happy with the picture - the other license was MUCH cuter, but then again, it was taken 15 years ago when the PYB was a mere babe and could date the teenage Kennesaw policeman.

Part three will be posted after the March 23rd court date. Stay tuned!

Part 3: The Petite Young Blonde vs. the City of Kennesaw

PYB has two traffic tickets to fight; no brake lights, suspended license.

The PYB's Day in Court, March 23, 2010

After dropping off the Petite Jeune Fille Brunette at school the PYB headed to her AMF (Awesome Mechanic Friend) to check the brake lights before heading to the courthouse.  It would not be cool to get yet another ticket for the same thing in the same area.  Yep, they’re out.  He replaces them again; the 2nd time within a month which was completely consistent with the internet research the PYB found.  The base of the bulbs, which is black plastic, is melted – EVIDENCE! She is SO going to win today!

Back at home…what to wear, what to wear?  New blue linen dress with white cardigan. Yes. No. Too dowdy.  Is dowdy good for court?  Hmmm, no, red knit dress with black jacket.  That works. Red is powerful, strong, in charge! Did you know it has been scientifically proven that teams that wear red uniforms win more often? So, power dress, fake Spanx, panty hose, sensible shoes, conservative earrings.  Good to go.

The PYB arrived at the Kennesaw Courthouse at 1:40 for her 2:00 appointment.  The parking was a few blocks away so she found a spot and started the trek to the courthouse. Once she reached the entrance of the Courthouse she was turned away – no purses allowed?? Are they serious? No cell phones, no granola bars. Great. So she turned around and hiked back to the car to put it away.
Sidebar – Any smart criminal would stake out the offsite parking lot and
watch for people returning to their cars with their cell phones and handbags.
Good grief. Talk about the perfect set up!

The PYB heads back quickly to the courthouse and goes through security.  In her pockets she paws out her keys, light bulbs, and pen and puts them into the basket and walks though the metal detector.  Success! The giant security guard who looked like the football player in The Blind Side, we’ll call him Gentle Ben, looks at her with raised eyebrows.  “Light bulbs, m’am?”  “Evidence,” says the PYB, scoops them up and goes into the courtroom.

She finds a seat and takes inventory of her paperwork: tickets, brake bulb receipts, research from the internet regarding the problem with the brake lights, and…hold up! Where’s the letter from Tennessee Helen?? That was to resolve her of the suspended license! It must be in her purse! It’s now 1:55pm so she bolts out of the courtroom and races back to her car…again. Curses! Thinking she only has five more minutes she breaks out in a run in her dress, fake Spanx and pantyhose. Ah, warming up outside, nice.
Uphill, uphill, no bursitis flare up, not now….go go go go….five minutes, just five minutes! She got to the car rifles through her purse and finds the certified letter from Louden County, TN (oh, is that where she got the original ticket that has caused this mess?) and a half full water bottle that had been rolling around in the floor of the back seat for a week or so.  She starts back while drinking the who-knows-how-old-water and feels her big toe pop through her pantyhose.  Sure, why not?  At least she didn’t dump the water all ov…never mind.  At this time the line for the courthouse is out the door and down the sidewalk.  She finally reaches security, and yes, Gentle Ben, she’s coming through again with her light bulbs.

The court room has filled up considerably, but being that she likes to see and hear what’s going on she walks up to the 2nd row and sits at the end next a man.  No, a woman.  Oh dear, this person does not smell good! Old, old, old nicotine smell, slightly sickly sweet, not good, not good.  Nicotine Lady turns around and says hello.  What teeth are left are pretty much black and then she launches into a deep, hacking cough.  This is not going to work, but then court is called to order and the PYB was stuck. Ugh.

The first cases called involved guys in handcuffs and orange jumpsuits.  Ummmm, excuse me, but being that they don’t actually have anywhere to go like back to work or to soccer practice could they not be saved for last? Just askin’. After about an hour of prisoner issues they worked on cases involving minors and/or those charged with drug possession.  The PYB was starting to wonder if she was in the right place.  One young girl, there with her mom, was asked if she could pass a drug test that day.  She was honest and said, “No.”  They gave her another one and, sure enough, she tested positive for cocaine.  Why her mother didn’t beat her to a pulp right then and there on the spot the PYB will never know.

After the drugged out kids the judge announces that he’ll try to have everyone out within eight hours.  WHAT???!! It was 4:00…was he kidding?  What happened to the 2:00 appointment?  Why wasn’t this explained when the PYB called the day before to confirm? “Oh, and btw, m’am; be sure to have a hearty breakfast and lunch and don’t forget to hydrate! It’s gonna be a long day into night.” That would have been good customer service.

At this time the judge turns the room over to the City Solicitor, Dr. Oz, who talks for awhile, blah, blah, blah, blah and then the judge comes back and gives a powerpoint slideshow about traffic court! The PYB is dying a thousand deaths.  Nicotine Lady’s smell is about to choke her and she starting to feel the beginning of a headache.  The traffic court in Cobb County was nowhere near this ridiculous!  Ah… so she had heard. Right. Yeah. Anyway…(the PYB has a heavy foot).

At this point, please allow the PYB to take a moment to  tell you about some of the characters in the courtroom.  You’ve met Nicotine Lady and Dr. Oz.  The PYB would like to introduce you to Porky Pig.  He was a cop who, bless his heart, truly looked like Porky Pig in a policeman’s uniform.  The other courtroom cop was pretty short, older, and balding with what was left of his hair slicked back…in other words, Christopher Walken.  The PYB was quite sure that if anything janky went down in that room these men were NOT going to be able to subdue anyone.  If he had to move quickly, Porky Pig’s gun would certainly get jammed in his ginormous love handles as they covered the holster of his gun.  Not trying to be mean, just the facts.  This being said at the first opportunity the PYB escaped the smell of Nicotine Lady and moved to the last row of seats at the end by the exit.  She would not be placing her life in the hands of Porky and Christopher Walken; she needed a getaway plan.  There was also a woman in a “Budweiser The King of Beers” embroidered jacket and the PYB was really hoping she wasn’t there for a DUI charge. As for the judge, he wasn’t a bad sort and he smiled a lot and tried to make a few jokes.  But, can he be charmed by the PYB?  Not sure about that yet.

After some no-contest cases the rest of us had to sign up to see Dr. Oz, the solicitor, to  review our cases.  Could this not have happened as we arrived?  The PYB’s name was 5th to the last on the list, hurrah! It was proving to be a really long day.  The judge took a break, but the solicitor would continue his interviews and call names.  Ok. Phone in car, granola bar in car, wallet in car…the PYB needed to go to her car.  She stepped out and asked Gentle Ben about leaving the building.
            “But if I leave the solicitor will certainly call my name,” said the PYB.
            “What’s your name, m’am?” asked Gentle Ben.
            “PYB, of course.”
“Ok, I’ll listen for it and if he calls you I’ll make sure you get put back to the top of the list.”
Sure you will, she thought. I bet you say that to everyone.  But she had to go!

Thank God it wasn’t a rainy day! By this time the run in her pantyhose was creeping up over the top of her shoe.  As she walked back to her car she noticed that some parking spaces were opening up near the building so, knowing it would probably be dark, she moved the car closer.  She called the Hunky Husband to explain what was going on.

Back though security and, no, Gentle Ben said, her name had not been called.  She filled up the basket with her light bulbs, pen, keys, wallet and gum.  She hurried up to wait so more. It was now 5:30 and here come so more orange jumpsuits.  Really?

Now the probation hearings were starting.  Up next, Teenage White Trash Girl.  If you were in court because you messed up your probation and had to answer to it would you actually wear sweats?  This really pathetic child was a teenaged, unemployed, single mom, who was knocked up again, and she had to pass a drug test.  Her sister and father were with her and, come to find out, her dad had just finished a chemotherapy session that morning.  The poor man looked worn out and frazzled. He tried to explain his daughter’s actions to the judge who patiently listened.  Long story short, Teenage White Trash Girl failed her drug test.  Sobbing ensued and TWTG started pleading to the judge about her baby at home and her dad, and she had a lead on a job, etc. This is what the judge said and the PYB almost stood up and applauded,
“Why do you expect me to care about your family, who I don’t know, when you didn’t care about them when you were out getting high and breaking your probation?  They aren’t my family; they’re yours. You are doing drugs and you are PREGNANT.  It’s time to grow up.”
Her dad kept saying it was all his fault and that she was a wild child.  The judge said, no, she has to be responsible for her actions.  Wow. What a concept!  TWTG goes straight to jail, do not pass go, do not collect $200. 

Five minute break! Finally! So the PYB takes a trip to the water closet and wouldn’t you know it; the solicitor called her name to come in and see him. Blast it all. Her file goes back into the pile.  It’s now 6:30pm and her stomach is grumbling.  More sitting and waiting.

Her name was eventually called and she was to go into the lobby to sit in a different chair to wait.  This is where the PYB met Daniel Radcliff/Harry Potter, a KSU art student.  He was a very pleasant young man who plans on having his own comic book series.  He had just returned from a semester abroad in Italy.  HP provided the only intelligent conversation the PYB had had all day!  He was just as bored and climbing the walls as she was.

Dr. Oz calls her name to come discuss her tickets and the game was on. The PYB gathered all her papers and put on her brightest, most charming smile and breezed into his office. She felt she was at a disadvantage because it was getting late and he had been at this all day. Surely, he was tired of hearing people’s excuses and stories.  This could go completely wrong!

He started with the suspended license.  Right from the start they were not on the same page. He started talking continuance and she’s thinking, “Oh, hell no I am NOT coming back here again.”  He was talking $780 fine for driving with a suspended license and she was thinking, “Oh , hell no, I can’t pay that! That’s Atlanta Beat season ticket money!” She tried to start from the beginning to explain how it all happened, but he didn’t want to hear it.  She kept saying that no, it never WAS supposed to be suspended because the fine had been paid.  HE was telling her that she didn’t pay the $35 GA reinstatement fee so technically it was suspended, blah, blah, blah.  But what about the certified document from Tennessee Helen stating her fine had been satisfied, etc?? And this went on for at least ten minutes. Fortunately, the PYB had her canceled check from when she had the stimulating visit to the GA DMV to replace the license the 12-year old cop took from her.  She paid all of $5.00. 
“Oh,” said Dr. Oz, “looks like they waived the reinstatement fee. I’ll dismiss
this charge.”

Thank You Baby Jesus!! Beat tickets, yes!!

            “Now, about the brake lights…”

Dr. Oz was not the least bit interested in her light bulbs. Fine: $123.50. 

“So, has anyone ever told you you look like Dr. Oz?”

Back into the courtroom, go see the judge, yes brake lights out, whatever, let’s get out of here, go pay fine, no sign of Harry Potter, hope it worked out for him, get the heck out of this building!

The morals of this story are:
v    Drive carefully and slowly when in the City of Kennesaw. In fact, just avoid it if possible. The PYB has now has 5 tickets issued to her from the eager Kennesaw police force.
v    If you own a 2003 Chevy Venture start socking away money to pay for a ticket.
Your brakes light bulbs are probably melting at this very moment and you are
gonna get in trouble for something you have no control over.
v    Fake Spanx – not worth it.  Splurge for the real thing.

Saturday, October 30, 2010

Movie Review for October 30, 2010: Paranormal Activity 2 - Three Shades of Blonde out of Five

The PYB had a wonderful time with her Super Buff Gay Friend, V, Danita, Re and Jeanne today at the movie and then lunch at Bailey's afterwards.  Nothing like a green salad, lite beer and friends!

She attended the first Paranormal Activity movie with SBGF so, of course, they were planning to see the sequel together.  And, once again, they were grabbing each other at the spooky parts.  Poor Re kept getting elbowed by the PYB on one side of her and from Danita on the other side.  Re was the most reluctant to go since she is not a fan of horror movies and she did not jump one time!  The rest of the group yelped and squirmed in their seats. Those who had seen PA1 agreed that it wasn't as scary as the first one.  It was maybe more disturbing than horrifying, perhaps, because a baby is involved (no spoilers).

What the PYB liked best was how this story was concurrent with the first movie.  PA2 took place in the house of Dan and Kristi who have two children, a teenager and a new baby.  PA1 happened in the home of Micah and Katie, who also show up in the sequel.  Both movies take place in same time frame so each house has demonic activity going on; but it isn't spoken about much between households.  Kristi and Katie are sisters and have a mysterious childhood that is referenced briefly.  The PYB predicts that the next PA movie will address that, "you don't want to be like mother."  Very intriguing.

Friday, October 15, 2010

The Petite Young Blonde, Sam and Dean: Things She has Learned from Watching Supernatural

35.  Hellhounds; you can’t see them, but they can sure as hell see you.  And, yes, their bark is as bad as their bite…run!

34.  Children who have contact with demons are sure to need plenty of therapy.

33.  It’s a bad sign when a bunch of reapers have gathered; have an angel handy or…run!

32.  Monsters are equal opportunity killers…run!

This was Sam's girlfriend. Same thing happened to their mom.
31.  Objects can be attached to ghosts so just be careful what you divvy up from Aunt Millie’s estate.

30.  Being a demon hunter is hard on your family life.

29. When at a crossroads don’t offer a deal to a hot guy/girl who suddenly pops in.  You could be making a deal with your soul as the price tag…run!

She is not what she appears to be....

28.  Buying antique portraits can be hazardous to your to your health.  They might have hanger-on ghosties attached to them…run!

27.  Angels are just bad-asses with wings who fight for good.

26.  You CAN go to hell and back.

25.  Do NOT investigate strange noises in the basement.  It never works out well…run!

24.  Scarecrows are freaky-deeky.  If it looks at you…run!

23.  The Apocalypse is not for the feint of heart.

22.  Everyone needs a friend like Bobby; a drop-everything-be-there-when-you-need-him-help-you-bury-the-body-type of friend.

21.  Withdrawal from demon blood is hell.  Just say no!

20.  There are some really tacky hotel/motels out there.

19.  “Being inhabited by an angel is like being chained to a convent." (Castiel)
Castiel the angel.

18.  Buy a platform bed. Nothing can hide or drag you under it.

17.  Salt is a very important substance! Have lots of it on hand for demon emergencies and be sure to put salt in windowsills and doorways. Demons can’t cross a salt line.  You can also make a circle around yourself.

16.  Latin: learn it. It’s a need-to-know language when expelling demons from your neighbors.

15.  Shape shifters cannot touch silver so keep a silver fork on your person.

14.  Rock salt: when shot from a gun will dispel ghosts.

13.  DO NOT PARK over sewer grates! Creepy things will crawl out and pull you down into the muck with it.

 12. You can’t kill a trickster – it’ll trick you too fast to get a good shot off…run!
He's not dead; he's just trickin'.

11. Beware of anyone with black, white or yellow eyes. They are obviously harboring a demon…run!

10. Blinking lights and a sudden gush of cold air do not mean the electricity is funky or the air conditioner has kicked in…run!

9. Sulphur smell: it’s not just rotten eggs or a science experiment…run!

8.  Always have a sarcastic comment ready to use when in a tight spot.

7. If windy-up toys start on their own….run!

6. Holy water is good to have around to help identify possible demons.  Throw it on the “person” and then run!
Can't be too careful.

5. Ghouls are harder to pick out than shapeshifters.

4. Good muscle tone is important, too, when finding oneself in a tight spot.

3. Dean’s car, a ’67 Chevy Impala, is a HOT car!

2. Creepy little kids are really creepy little demons. Especially, creepy little white girls. Angels inhabiting human bodies are more people-friendly than demons who are inhabiting human bodies; but not by much.

And the NUMBER ONE thing the PYB has learned from watching Supernatural is....Sam is H O T Dean is a rock star!   

Please go to the link above.

You are now prepared to fend off the things that go bump in the night.

Friday, October 1, 2010

The Petite Jeune Fille Brunette Has Her Say

or...Boys are Stupid, Throw Rocks at Them

I'm done.
I'm through.
You used to make me happy,
But now I'm blue.
What ever happened to jokes we used share?
Or the way we just didn't care?
Now, it's like I'm not ever there...
I've played your game,
And I'm sick of the show.
Just tell me now, or just leave, just go.
I'm a stronger person, than you will ever be,
Because I know what's right for me.
You can tell me that everything's fine.
But I already know, you'll never be mine.
So, stop with the pulling
Of my stings that are attached.
Just cut it, just like you did the last.
I'm telling you this now, 
Because I've finally figured it out.
You mean to jerk me around,
So I'll never have a doubt.
You can give it up,
Cause I'm just done with your tricks.
You're just another filthy bundle of lies and sticks.
What's sad is that,
You used to be,
A wonderful guy.
But now I'm learning,
That I'm just another one of your ties.
Wrapped around your finger, and wound so tight.
It's like I'm a puppet.
But guess what sparky?
That's ending tonight.
If friends is all we can be, then so be it.
I'm tired of your screwing around.
Your excuses.
Your whining.
I'm done with this never-ending flirtation.
It's rather annoying.
So lets just stop it now, cause I'm tired of the lies.
I'm not a child, so just shut up and try.
I see that you like other people,
And I'm not entirely surprised that you do.
But you know buddy, 
The only person I like, 
Is you.
So, you're acting like a jackass,
When you say the same things,
To all your ladies and then me.
This is what I wish I could say,
To your face right now.
And then walk along home, 
In a billowy cloud.
Knowing that I won,
And the truth was told.
Then you go home, to your small dark hole.
And I am the one on the other end of the pole.
Smiling and happy,
Like I always should.
Cause you don't deserve what I have.
Or what I offer.
I've realized this now,
Thanks to a friend.
And you can go screw yourself.
I'm done. This is the end.

The moral of this story is - don't mess with the affections of the PJFB. She'll come back at you like a spider monkey.

Wednesday, September 8, 2010

The Petite Young Blonde and the Dancing Boner

    Shortly after moving back to the ATL, the Petite Young Blonde, delightfully discovered that the incomparable Mikhail Baryshnikov was touring and coming to the beautiful Fox Theater.  The PYB adored, admired and was simply obsessed with Mr. Baryshnikov back then and had been for many, many years.  In case you didn't know he is a Russian ballet dancer who defected to the United States in 1974.  He fascinated the PYB and she always watched the Nutcracker on PBS every Christmas.  It did not escape her that he was also incredibly beautiful and, oh my, those legs........she had about three framed posters in her room.  She read everything she could get her hands on articles and stories about him and even wrote a paper about him in college (an absolute literary masterpiece).  So, Baryshnikov at the Fox? The Petite Young Blonde was going to be there!

     The Hunky Husband was less than thrilled. He had put up with the framed prints, the obsession, the editing of the literary masterpiece and the Christmas Nutcracker tradition.  However, even though he could appreciate the talent possessed by Baryshnikov it didn't stop him from coining him The Dancing Boner.

Yes, this was one of her posters.

Просто великолепный - this one was on her wall, too.
 She called La Petite Soeur (LPS) and, of course, she was in and they devised a plan to surprise and treat The Mama.  The Mama was living in Tennessee having been recently separated from The Daddy.  She really needed a pick-me-up and a surprise was just the trick.  The PYB and the LPS told The Mama to buy a new evening dress and to come down to the ATL.  It was so hard to keep the secret!  The build up to the big night was excruciatingly delicious.  

     A few days prior to The Mama's arrival the group decided that transportation would be a problem.  Summer was in full tilt with the sun stuck on blistering hot, as it often is in Georgia.  At that time the PYB was driving a lovely gray Mercury Lynx: no power anything, AM radio only, two doors and NO AIR.  The HH had an Isuzu pick-up that would only seat two comfortably. The LPS, well, The PYB can't really remember, but she thinks the LPS had a Chevette.  It was like a wind-up toy that required foot power like the Flinstones' car and that would have messed up their dress shoes.  An alternative was needed and the only mode of transportation fitting for The Mama who was going to see the Dancing Boner was, naturally, a limousine.  One was ordered posthaste.

Not a "night-at-the-ballet" car.

       The Mama arrived in Georgia and, still not knowing where she was headed, excitedly beautified herself. She was so pretty! The LPS wore a red "bubble" dress (think 1980's) and the PYB wore....a suit. Hey, they were broke back then and it was her only option.  The Mama was finally told about the evening when the white limo pulled up to take the group to The Fox.  It was a grand surprise and completely unexpected.
The Mama, LPS and the driver.

     When The Mama was younger she made money by teaching ballet and later by attempting to teach college boys how to dance.  She and The Daddy danced so well together and it was always a thrill to watch them when the PYB was a child.  Unfortunately, the PYB did not inherit The Mama's dancing skills or rhythm (thank goodness for 80's new wave music; no dancing skills required to have fun with that).  One of the PYB's earliest memories was going to see the Nutcracker with The Mama when she was about four or five years old. The Mama was elegant in her beehive and evening dress. So clearly, the ballet event on that hot night in Georgia was just the right thing to do for The Mama.

     The fine looking group was dropped off in front of The Fox and they tried to look casually bored about the whole thing as they emerged from the limo....they do this every big deal...just what do you think you're staring at?

     The ballet was simply breathtaking. The PYB could hardly believe she was there seeing the mastery of The Dancing Boner.  He was beautiful, graceful, commanding and masculine all at the same time.  She had never seen anything so phenomenal; she teared up a lot.

     Before they were ready the ballet was over.  Their limo was waiting out front for the group to come out and so they put on their best bored faces and climbed back in.  As the doors were shut and the driver got in he said, "Do you want to go around back behind The Fox and see if you can get any autographs?"  He certainly didn't have to ask twice - damn straight! It was good to have a driver in the know.  He drove around and there were plenty of other people with the same idea so the driver pulled up behind another limo and they began to wait.

 Since it was getting hot in the limo they rolled down the windows.  People turned to look - who's in the limo?? Everyone wonders that. Shortly, a woman came over and said to The Mama,
     "Are you famous? Should we know you?"
The Mama put on her most bored look and replied in her most southern-laced accent,
     "Why, we ah the Tuckas of May-re-etta."
And then slowly rolled up the window.  Inside the limo they hollered!

The Big Chicken in Marietta, GA ("you go to the Big Chicken and then turn....)
     Finally, some of the ballerinas were finally coming out of the back end of the Fox.  Talk about petite!  The PYB wanted to take them out for a full fledged-fried-in-lard southern dinner.  The crowd outside began clapping as the dancers boarded their hotel van.

     No one had entered the limo in front of them.  Of course, they were still waiting for the man himself, The Dancing Boner.  They had noticed their driver had left the car and was talking to the driver of the black limo in front of them and the drivers were in an intense conversation.  By this time the PYB crew was standing outside the car as well; she supposes the excitement of being in the limo had worn off. 

     Their driver called them over and said, "The limo in front of us is for the Dancing Boner and they seem to be having some difficulty; the car won't start.  The driver wants to know if we can take the Dancing Boner back to his hotel."

    Was he serious?? Of course, they'll take him back to the hotel and the PYB will sit in his lap! This situation is one that could ONLY happen in a dream, and in fact, it had. LPS had dreamt that the Dancing Boner had looked her straight in the eyes.  So the group began to clamber back into the limo like clowns in a mini car and then the driver said, "Umm, folks, you can't ride with him."
     Surely, he can not be serious.
     He's just teasing; he doesn't mean it.
     He meant it.
     Just great.
The Dancing Boner with Twyla Tharp 

    So they gathered up their purses and programs and moved out of the way.  There was a pathway of people forming and suddenly the Dancing Boner was making his way through.  People were cheering and clapping (standing ovation).  He was so handsome with his blonde hair and crystal blue eyes.  It was a surreal moment!  The object of the PYB's obsession was coming closer and, he was shorter than she imagined. Did she try to touch him, talk to him?  No, she simply stood there clapping like an idiot with a what probably looked like a demonic grin on her face (she'll eat him up she loves him so). He climbed into the limo with his entourage and the driver shut the door.  The PYB group was still standing by the limo and LPS was right at the door....and the window was still rolled down  :)

 The LPS leaned her entire torso into the car with her huge bosom and ample cleavage right there in the Dancing Boner’s face and said, “Mr. Dancing Boner, can I please have your autograph?”
     He replied in his soft Russian-accented voice, “If I give one to you I must give one to all."
     "But, you're in our limo!" LPS said back.  With a puzzled look he proceeded to roll up the window and LPS had to quickly get her bosom and head out of there.

     The PYB is quite sure if the LPS had had a sharpie in hand and pulled her neckline down and offered a boobie the Dancing Boner would have signed it.  He was that kind of guy (well, aren't they all? Yes, but with the exception of Super Buff Gay Friend with Super Model Good Looks).

     The limo drove away with the Dancing Boner.  And the rest of the crowd cleared out quickly.

     And, so, there they were. Left behind The Fox downtown ATL...alone...wondering...will the driver really come back? It was pretty dark back there.  They were literally all dressed up with no where, no way to go.  Where was the Dancing Boner staying?  How far away could it be?  Why is it taking so long?  Should they walk around to the front? Wait, what was that?  They better get their money back! Oh, thank goodness, there's the car...

     As they climbed back in they discovered a slew of stuff left behind by the Dancing Boner and his entourage - YAY - goodies!!  Souvenirs! Flowers, some papers and...napkins? Oooo, maybe he wiped his sweaty brow with them!  Hurrah - keep 'em!
The spoils! (LPS)

The HH and The Mama
     You probably think that was the end of the evening; they rode home talking about the night, questioning the driver, laughing, really excited that they pulled off the grand surprise. Well, they did go home.  However, the excitement was too much for LPS.  She had a condition at the time; sort of like having the vapors, but more serious.  They wound up in the emergency room for a while and after being checked out the LPS was released.  She just needed to take it easy.

     That's what a Dancing Boner can do to a girl.

Monday, August 9, 2010

Today In the Life of the PYB, August 9, 2010

6:15am: Got up; fixed lunch for Petite Jeune Fille Brunette, got PJFB out of bed.

8:00am: Took PJFB to school and went in herself to hopefully get the PJFB's school schedule worked out.  SHE WAS IGNORED!  "Fill out the form" she was told by the harassed school receptionist. So she did.  If the schedule could not be worked out (for the 3rd time) the PJFB was going to be withdrawn.  Some frustration on many levels in many areas was leading up to that drastic decision.  The PYB requested the counselor phone her about the schedule.  She was not hopeful.

9:00am: Went to the bank for some cash. Came home to find the older PJFB up (!).  She had been called in early for her illustrious job at Dairy Queen and needed a ride.

10:15: Took PJFB#1 to the DQ.  Went to Publix and saved $132 in coupons and in-store savings.  The PYB was anxious about the high school situation and grocery shopping was her soothing balm.  Was hot the whole time while in the store.

11:00: Received call from high school counselor, who sounded very tired, while in Publix.  The PYB was on her best behavior and together worked out the kinks in the PJFB#2's and all was well in the high school world. The last thing the PYB wanted to do to her daughter was take her out of her school during her junior year.  The PYB still has the devastating, emotional scars from when it happened to her...alright maybe time has healed them a sense in being overly dramatic.  Wait. No, still there.

12:30: Came back home, put groceries away, made a beautiful salad for lunch and promptly dropped it on the floor.  Was even more hot.  Changed back into nightgown.

2:00: Put clothes back on and went back to bank.  Got checks.  Drove to water company to pay bill and then back to DQ to pick up PJFB#1 and took her to the dentist.  Hot again.

4:00: Took PJFB#1 back to DQ to finish her double shift. Drove back home. PJFB was home from school and happy that she was not going to be a private school student, home school student, or GA Virtual Classroom student.   Had some time to cool off.

4:30ish: Talked to BBH on phone and they started a new business - details to come.

6:00: Got back in the car and took PJFB#2 to soccer practice - 1.5 hrs away.

7:30: Arrived at Bethesda Park.  Walked the trail. Was really hot. Started writing new PYB story (this is not it).

9:15: Drove back to the other side of the world, stopped at Wendy's for the PJFB#2 (great dinner) and swung by DQ to pick up PJFB#1 who was finally finished with work.

10:45: HOME! Hot, tired.  In line for shower.

12:30: Anticipated bedtime.

The was to be the day the PYB was to recover from her massive head cold, an official sick day off work.  She now needs a sick day for her sick day.  But good things happened, so not a bad day at all.

11:42: Shower free - she must run!

Bon soir, ses amis!

Sunday, July 25, 2010

The Petite Young Blonde and the B52's

    The Concert review for Saturday, July 24, 2010: The B52's - 5 Shades of Blonde out of 5!

     As hard as it is to believe, the PYB has never been to a B52's concert until last night.  Neither had the Petite Jeune Fille Brunette or the HH, so this was a real treat! The PJFB wore her new vintage 1940's dress and with her new haircut she was looking like quite the doll.  The other PJFB had to work, and the PYB couldn't convince her that seeing the B52's was worth quitting her job.  Now, if you follow the PYB on Facebook (!/pages/The-Petite-Young-Blonde/377211762234?ref=ts), you'll know she had messed up her lower back a few days early, from sneezing for crying out loud, so she was a little bummed out and was afraid she wouldn't be able to enjoy the show like she wanted to.  She had been looking forward to a high energy night of dancing for such a long time!  Muscle spasm meds and Icy-Hot to the rescue...

La Petite Jeune Fille Brunette

     The B52's show was at an outdoor venue in Peachtree City, GA called The Fred (so appropriate).  One would wonder "why have an outdoor concert at the end of July in Georgia?"  Add several thousand people, no breeze (except for the ones made by the paper fans given out), the B52's live and you have a recipe for a HOT night!

In the sun
In the shade

     The Fred is the perfect place for a show. It's a small amphitheater with reserved, table and lawn seating.  She isn't sure how many the place can hold, but for those of you familiar with Chastain it's about half the size so just about every seat is a good one.  What's even better, the concert goer is allowed to bring in their own food and drink (no bottles or glass containers, please).  Signs say cameras aren't allowed, but that didn't stop anyone, including the PYB, from bringing one in.  No one was checking bags or coolers.  They did ask that the attendees to fill out a survey indicating who they'd like to see at The Fred and, of course, the PYB requested her true love Elvis Costello (sheloveshim). If you live in Peachtree City you can always drive your golf cart to the venue!  Check it out at

     As always it's fun to check out the crowd when you are in one.  The first observation of the PYB was, "Damn, these people are old!"  That's all she'll say about that.  A few rows down a fella brought in five boys ranging in age of about 8-10 years old.  His t-shirt read, "Good Dad." Irony?  He told them that the B52's would definitely "get your toes tappin'," but the young boys were more interested in dueling with the paper fans.  There were also guys in feather boas, painted hair and giant sunglasses, but what really made the PYB jealous were the two ladies with their bouffants on.  She so wished her hair was long enough for an updo or that it's wasn't so hot so that she could have worn her electric blue pageboy hair.

Bouffants coming through! Step aside!

Good Dad's boys dueling

     The warm-up band, not that things weren't hot enough, was Supercluster from Athens and the PYB thoroughly enjoyed them.  It was a very diverse group of musicians.  However, the she had waited long enough and was as hot as she was going to get in spite of the ice-cold margaritas so she was ready to hear some B52's!

     Ah and finally! The moment she'd been waiting for!  The stage was still dark and suddenly Fred sings, "What's that on your head?" And the crowd went wild, PYB included.  She loves the Wig song! She tried not to sing along, but it was so hard not to - nobody wants to hear that.  Keith, Fred, Cindy and Kate were in top form and the PJFB exclaimed, "It sounds just like them!" Give her a break - the only other concert she's been to was Elvis Costello's a few years ago (sheloveshim).  And the dancing ensued! The B52's were spot on and full of energy.  The band was brilliant.  Some of the songs in the set included "Mesopotamia,"  "Love Shack," "Dead Beat Club," "Roam," "Private Idaho," "Give Me Back My Man," several from FunPlex and for the encore "Planet Claire," and "Rock Lobster."  Of course, it was over before anyone wanted it to be.

Ladies and Gentlemen, The B52's!
Love it!

     Kate and Cindy were simply gorgeous and Fred...the PYB so loves Fred! Their sound is like none other.  What an amazing life the four of them must be having - their love for music definitely translates in their performance.  To her knowledge, the PYB has never heard any other band quite like them; they put the fun in funky.  The PYB solemnly swears that she will never, ever miss an opportunity to see the B52's ever again - unless it's the same night as an Elvis Costello show (sheloveshim). If they were to be at the same venue on the same day it's a good possibility the PYB would implode.

Moral of this story: See the B52's, dance, be happy.



Sunday, June 27, 2010

Introducing the TBF of the PYB

The Petite Young Blonde would like to introduce you to the TBF (Token Black Friend).  The PYB loves her dearly and forever thanks her for allowing the reprint of this email the TBF sent to her friend. 

First, you need to know some background.  The TBF has been working with a trainer who will now be called BHT (Beautiful Hot Trainer) for about five months and she looks FABULOUS!  TBF is single and looking for a husband.  BHT is single and cooks. Why these two don’t hook up the PYB can’t fathom.  TBF says she needs him as a trainer and doesn’t want to mess that up.  Mess it up already – there are plenty of trainers out there!

So here’s the TBF sending an SOS to her BFF:

First... this is for YOUR eyes only! This is NOT to be discussed with husbands, fathers, brothers, friends, ANYONE.... got it?!?!?!

The workout today was tough - mostly b/c I was not in a good mood. My attitude completely stinks - not sure why - but trying to move through it. I was so not feeling anything BHT said to me today - I didn't want to run (really didn't want to run), didn't want to do any of the S--T he comes up with that tortures my body and causes excruciating pain for the next couple of days... but.... I tried to do what I could and kept my mouth shut.

As expected, he went crazy with the workout and it culminated with me on the floor in a ball - flat on my back ready to cry like a baby until I felt better. I was just about to work up a good tear - a real fat one - when I looked up and who was hovering above me - straddling me no less - but.... BHT... in all his glory. He then proceeded to grab my legs and tell me how good I'd done - all the while straddling me. Now, I'm sure he said more - cause he was up there for quite some time, but I have NO CLUE what was said b/c... HE WAS STRADDLING ME. Now BFF, you know I try to be a good Christian - daily try to keep my mind and my actions in line with God's wishes... but today - June 25, 2010 - I had a bit of trouble.
So, I'll journal this to you, BFF - hoping to remove the mental and physical image that was so beautifully positioned over me this morning. We will pray that I will be able to continue to LOOK and not TOUCH. :-)

Moral of this story (TBF):  You have step out of your comfort zone and catch the wave that might change your life.