Sunday, June 27, 2010

Introducing the TBF of the PYB

The Petite Young Blonde would like to introduce you to the TBF (Token Black Friend).  The PYB loves her dearly and forever thanks her for allowing the reprint of this email the TBF sent to her friend. 

First, you need to know some background.  The TBF has been working with a trainer who will now be called BHT (Beautiful Hot Trainer) for about five months and she looks FABULOUS!  TBF is single and looking for a husband.  BHT is single and cooks. Why these two don’t hook up the PYB can’t fathom.  TBF says she needs him as a trainer and doesn’t want to mess that up.  Mess it up already – there are plenty of trainers out there!

So here’s the TBF sending an SOS to her BFF:

First... this is for YOUR eyes only! This is NOT to be discussed with husbands, fathers, brothers, friends, ANYONE.... got it?!?!?!

The workout today was tough - mostly b/c I was not in a good mood. My attitude completely stinks - not sure why - but trying to move through it. I was so not feeling anything BHT said to me today - I didn't want to run (really didn't want to run), didn't want to do any of the S--T he comes up with that tortures my body and causes excruciating pain for the next couple of days... but.... I tried to do what I could and kept my mouth shut.

As expected, he went crazy with the workout and it culminated with me on the floor in a ball - flat on my back ready to cry like a baby until I felt better. I was just about to work up a good tear - a real fat one - when I looked up and who was hovering above me - straddling me no less - but.... BHT... in all his glory. He then proceeded to grab my legs and tell me how good I'd done - all the while straddling me. Now, I'm sure he said more - cause he was up there for quite some time, but I have NO CLUE what was said b/c... HE WAS STRADDLING ME. Now BFF, you know I try to be a good Christian - daily try to keep my mind and my actions in line with God's wishes... but today - June 25, 2010 - I had a bit of trouble.
So, I'll journal this to you, BFF - hoping to remove the mental and physical image that was so beautifully positioned over me this morning. We will pray that I will be able to continue to LOOK and not TOUCH. :-)

Moral of this story (TBF):  You have step out of your comfort zone and catch the wave that might change your life.

Sunday, June 20, 2010

The Petite Young Blonde's Movie Review for June 20, 2010: Toy Story 3......5 Shades of Blonde out of 5!!!!!!!

Wow! Best Toy Story story EVER!

Toy Story always strikes a cord because what kid doesn't think their toys come to life when they leave the room?

As always the toys stick together and support one another no matter what and they are about to be split up because Andy, their boy, is off to college.

Some new toys are introduced and Ken almost steals the show, but then comes Spanish speaking Buzz Lightyear- he's so suave!

She won't give anything away, BUT do stay for the rolling'll give you time for your tears to dry if you forget to bring Kleenex....yes, this is story will choke you up and will require at least five tissues, if not more. Had she had been watching the movie at home, the PYB would have boo-hooed like a baby with large, racking sobs. However, she somewhat kept her composure and kept the dripping to a minimum.

One last thing: The PYB is forever sorry for throwing out McDonaldland toys....she just didn't know!

Elvis loves the PYB.

Friday, June 4, 2010

The Petite Young Blonde and Car Pool Boy

One afternoon while doing her reception job the PYB received a call:

     PYB: Good afternoon. Thank you for calling XYZ, this is the  PYB.  How may I help you.
     Unknown Caller:  Do you live in Paulding? I need a ride.
     PYB: Excuse me?
     UC: I live in Paulding and my car pool isn't running today; can you give me a ride?
     PYB: Ahh....what's your name?? And exactly how did you find the PYB?

Sidebar - The PYB does a have a few faults.  One is being naively trusting. When somebody needs help she tries her best to assist even if it's not in her best interest...such as this case.  Yes, stupid, she knows! She did have the forethought to inform her coworkers what she was doing in case the guy turned out to be a psycho killer and murdered while she was driving.

That is how the Petite Young Blonde met Car Pool Boy.  

During that ride he flapped his jaws the entire time and the PYB discovered the following from just sitting back and driving.  CPB was married with four children and hated his job.  He was a severe right-winged Republican and he didn't appear to like people of color. He didn't live too far off from the PYB so it was okay, but she didn't want to make a habit of it.

The PYB cherishes her car time; it's her precious alone, de-compress hour from the day time hassles; she listens to the latest book on tape from the library; more importantly it's her one-on-one time with Elvis Costello (sheloveshim) on her iPod. Usually other riders don't want to listen, not only to EC (sheloveshim), but the PYB singing out loud to EC (sheloveshim).  She didn't think it'd happen again any way.  Who wants to ride shot-gun in a 1984 Mercury Grand Marquis with no air conditioning,  AM radio and cracked leather seats (the PYB called her Old Gold)?

About three glorious ride-alone months later the PYB received another call from CPB and this time he needed a more permanent riding situation four days a week.  Oh, and could she start that afternoon?? Ugh. Really?  Crap.  Stupidly, the PYB agreed, but told herself she'd give it a month's trial.  So begins the PYB/CPB relationship that lasted all of two  v  e   r   y    l   o   n   g   months.

The first week went okay except that the PYB was getting the Petite Jeune Fille Brunette to soccer practice later than the PJFB preferred.  Her team runs two miles prior to practice and she would end up having to run by herself which is never fun.  The "stimulating" conversation was of the usual get-to-know-you polite kind of talk: kids, family, hobbies, work, etc.  He met his wife at church when they were students and she's English so she moved here permanently to the US.  The PYB found this was pretty sweet until she heard him talk to her on the phone.  Lots of impatience and borderline disgust.  She was always asking where he was and what time he thought the PYB would get him home.  CPB's wife was at home with 3 little girls under the age of five and a newborn...yep, she wanted him home asap alright.

Car Pool One-Sided Discussions by Car Pool Boy - Topic: Geese

One morning The Petite Young Blonde had to slam on Old Gold's brakes to avoid hitting a squirrel.  She will avoid running over an animal at all costs bar driving off the road or crashing the car.
     CPB:  I don't stop for animals.
     PYB:  What??
     CPB:  If they're too stupid not to get out of the way I just hit them.  Once I hit three geese that were crossing the road so I stopped and put them in my trunk (yes, apparently he owned a car once) and took them home.  I tossed them onto the kitchen counter and told my wife she could cook them up.  She told me to get them out of her kitchen; she was really mad at me.
    PYB:  She was completely silent - what do you say to something so ignorant?)
    CPB: Yeah, she wasn't very happy.  When I was in another car pool I saw a dead duck so when I  got home I drove back and got it. My wife wouldn't touch that one either.
    PYB:  (Really? What a shock! She just cannot imagine why.
What an idiot.)
    CPB:  And if a cat runs out I don't slow down - I speed up.
    PYB:  (Hey, CPB - how about you get out of the car and run across the road and see if I can hit you?  Old Gold still has some pick up.  What an a-hole.)

Another Car Pool One-Sided Discussions by Car Pool Boy - Topic: Politics

The PYB does not discuss politics or religion with many people unless they have been friends for at least 10 years or more.  Just one of her rules to live by. Both are extremely volatile subjects.  She has her views and others have theirs.  Changing an other's opinion on either are slim to none so why bother?

At the time of the one-sided car pool with CPB McCain and Obama were in a heated race for the Presidency.  No big surprise that CPB was an extreme right-wing conservative.  As you may have guessed the Petite Young Blonde is not.  Every morning CPB would expound on his political opinions including the fact he didn't think a black man should represent America as the President of the United States.  What rock did he crawl out from under??  He went as far as suggesting Mr. Obama was the anti-Christ.  The PYB was beginning to think CPB was a charter member of that Westboro Baptist Church who pickets against gays, Obama and at military funerals. Well, that pretty much sealed the deal....that boy had to go.  

But that wasn't the only reason why. 

CPB never helped pay for gas.  Ever.  He'd plead no money, blah, blah, blah, girls are expensive, the van needs repair, blah, blah, blah.  He was probably sending his car pool money to Westboro.  Well, listen dude the PYB's paycheck was cut by 15% and insurance premiums were up.  The situation was a total win for him - no driving involved, no money involved, no wear and tear on his car involved. The PYB was getting PJFB to soccer late, she had to listen to his self-righteous speeches and most of all she had given up her sanctuary.  Her patience was wearing thin.

One morning she woke up without her voice. Yep, laryngitis and she could not utter a word if she wanted to - her family rejoiced.  So she picked up CPB, dropped him off and when she arrived at her desk she decided she could not take it any longer.  She opened up her email and started typing:

     Dear CPB,
The PYB can no longer stand to sit in the same car as you.  You are a male chauvinist creeper and don't smell good.  The PYB feels sorry for your wife and think she should cut her losses and flee the country with her children.  You bring roadkill home for supper and don't mind running over animals for that purpose.  AND you think that's ok! In addition, you are a closed-minded, self-important pompous mooch who thinks the mere color of a person's skin should exclude a person from the Presidency.  Car Pool Boy you are hereby excluded from the Old Gold Kennesaw Express.  The definition of a car pool is taking turns OR sharing expenses neither of which you have ever offered to do.  You have taken advantage of the PYB and you are outta here! Go find someone else to annoy.
     Sincerely, The PYB

Alright, she really didn't send that email, but she wanted to.  In the end she wrote, "This is not working out. Today is the last day."  The PYB blames her politeness on her mother.  The last ride home was pretty silent.  She was frustrated for allowing herself to have been taken advantage of and not speaking her mind.  The only thing he contributed in the two  v   e   r   y    l   o   n   g  months was a new route to Kennesaw that didn't include incredible amount of traffic.

However, although it was extremely passive aggressive, the PYB did relish in the satisfaction that all throughout the two v   e   r   y    l   o   n   g months of the car pool CPB never realized he was riding in a car with Obama stickers across the back bumper.

Yes, that really makes her smile to this day.