Sunday, March 21, 2010

The Petite Blonde on the Highway to Hell

Scenario: While driving to pick up oldest daughter from
college, the petite young blonde (it's my story and I'm
taking writer's license here) hits a grignack (don't know
what the hell it was) in the road at 1:00am thereby
shredding the front left tire. She skillfully pulls the van
to the side of the road avoiding the semi on the right.
The young, six-packed, hunky husband (again, it's my story)
wakes up from the back seat with a start. As he gets out
of the car to inspect the damage she quickly calls USAA
roadside assistance. The hunky husband is saying something
thru the window, but she is trying to push the right buttons
requested by the computer on the other end of the phone.

As she finally connects with a human & is explaining
the situation the petite young blonde realizes she hasn't seen
her husband for a few minutes. She gets out of the car and
he's no where to be found. She screams his name several
times, but it is lost in the sound of the 18 wheelers swooshing
by. Visions of him pancaked by a speeding truck come to mind,
but visions of him being dragged away by a psycho killer are
stronger. "oh, no!" the petite young blonde thinks, " we've
become the stupid couple at the beginning of a Supernatural
episode that gets killed by monsters, aliens or demons!"
She hysterically tells the USAA rep that she can't find her
husband. The USAA rep suggests the young, petite blonde
get back in the car and lock the doors.

As she continues to give information to the USAA rep the
young, hunky husband raps on the window scaring the hell
out of her. She determines that he has not been changed into
anything other-worldly and unlocks the door. He proceeds to
work on changing the tire while using language much too harsh
for the petite young blonde's delicate ears. He succeeds putting
on the gimpy spare tire as the rescue truck calls. After much
debate they decide to proceed to Texas, but at a much lower
rate of speed.

After another hour or so, the tired young couple decide to pull
off in a rest stop and try to sleep a few hours. Not being able
to sleep well because it's freaking freezing, petite young blonde
decides to drive on mainly to get the heater going again.
After swapping places every few hours or so the young
couple finds themselves in Brandon, MS buying not one,
but 3 new tires and eating a greasy breakfast at the local
Kroger store.

Part Two
After consuming the unsatisfying greasy breakfast the petite
young blonde and hunky husband proceed back to Scotty's Tire
City and wait for the verdict on the bent rim of the van's tire
wheelie-thingy. Auto repair shops should consider hiring
therapists to consult with their customers after the bad news is
given. The rim, which if purchased new, will cost $500, however,
there is not one to be found in the state of Mississippi at 8:00am
on a Saturday. Even if there was one the young couple would
not even consider replacing it at that price UNLESS there was no
other way. The tire surgeons will try to work out the damage to
the rim, but it doesn't look good.

After more waiting and being yelled at by Fox News anchors on
the flat screen in the waiting room the petite young blond sees the
van being pulled into the parking lot. Cheers erupt!

The petite young blonde and hunky husband continue driving
down I20 towards Texas. Cheers erupt again as a new state line
is crossed.

Eighteen hours later the young couple find themselves at
their daughter's college and locate her suite which is on the
top floor - 3 flights up - no elevator. After 18 hours of driving
and 15 trips up and down the flight of stairs the petite young
blonde has decided she is no longer young, petite or even really
blonde any more. She also realizes the hunky husband no longer
has a six pack unless it's the one in the fridge.

The petite young blonde (I've held the illusion this long, why stop
now) is exhausted beyond belief, hungry for something substantial
and realizes she has no idea where her bra is, but may have left it
in the bathroom at a rest stop somewhere in Louisiana (the
underwire was poking her and making her cranky).

The car is packed, but now we wait for approval from the dorm
Nazi to leave. Does the petite young blonde, hunky husband
and Greece bound daughter start driving far that
remains to seen.

Part Three
Yes, the travelers continue to, well, travel; they did stop at
the local Olive Garden for dinner where the petite young blonde
was splattered with tomato sauce when the waiter dropped the
plate. No just added to the whole ambiance of the trip
and by then delirium had set in and the trio laughed for quite
some time until people started to stare...which only made them
want to laugh more. So the trip to Georgia proceeds.

At this point the petite young blonde and the hunky husband
are mostly numb and driving by instinct. The night was rainy
and foggy, but fairly empty so they were making descent time.
Another nap at a rest stop at about 3:00am and then they were
back on the road.

Caffeinated to the hilt and on Milk Dud high all was well until
mile marker #83 on I-20E at 12:30pm on Sunday. Another east
bound traveler kindly honked their horn and pointed to the
right side back tire. Yes, dear reader, another flat...again.

The tired old fart and the stanky cranky hag got out of the car
to take a look and silently began unloading all the stuff that
was so recently packed with care only 14 hours prior. The tired
old fart replaces the new tire with the gimpy spare with the
speed of the father in the Christmas Story. It was daylight, no
longer raining and a state trooper even stopped to help, so no
worries of alien abductions or psycho killers coming around.
The Greece-bound daughter wonders out loud "are we going
to get lunch soon?" The stanky cranky hag shoots her a look
and has no words for her.

The stanky cranky hag decides that I-20 is cursed to anyone
in her immediate Tucker family as her father has lost not one,
but two, transmissions on the way from Texas to Georgia.
The decision is made that daughter number two WILL NOT
attend college any where that requires driving along I-20.

Applications are now being accepted from any thrill seekers
who wish to take the ride of their lives in September 2010
when the Greece-bound daughter is once again Sherman-bound
for the last time. The tired old fart will not be taking daughter
#1 back (he'll happily be back in school) and after this adventure
the stanky cranky hag's sister may reconsider. Who will it be?
Perhaps the stanky cranky hag's super buff gay friend with
super model looks? Hmmm, time will tell.

The stanky cranky hag is just happy that all is home safe
and plans on enjoying the Christmas season and the Greece-
bound daughter as much as possible until she leaves in January.
The stanky cranky hag has decided that Dorothy said it best,
"There's no place like home."


  1. It could have been worse. Mississippi state troopers have been known to give speeding tickets to disabled vehicles.