The Petite Blonde on the Highway to Hell

Scenario: While driving to pick up oldest daughter from

college, the petite young blonde (it's my story and I'm

taking writer's license here) hits a grignack (don't know

what the hell it was) in the road at 1:00am thereby

shredding the front left tire. She skillfully pulls the van

to the side of the road avoiding the semi on the right.

The young, six-packed, hunky husband (again, it's my story)

wakes up from the back seat with a start. As he gets out

of the car to inspect the damage she quickly calls USAA

roadside assistance. The hunky husband is saying something

thru the window, but she is trying to push the right buttons

requested by the computer on the other end of the phone.

As she finally connects with a human & is explaining

the situation the petite young blonde realizes she hasn't seen

her husband for a few minutes. She gets out of the car and

he's no where to be found. She screams his name several

times, but it is lost in the sound of the 18 wheelers swooshing

by. Visions of him pancaked by a speeding truck come to mind,

but visions of him being dragged away by a psycho killer are

stronger. "oh, no!" the petite young blonde thinks, " we've

become the stupid couple at the beginning of a Supernatural

episode that gets killed by monsters, aliens or demons!"

She hysterically tells the USAA rep that she can't find her

husband. The USAA rep suggests the young, petite blonde

get back in the car and lock the doors.

As she continues to give information to the USAA rep the

young, hunky husband raps on the window scaring the hell

out of her. She determines that he has not been changed into

anything other-worldly and unlocks the door. He proceeds to

work on changing the tire while using language much too harsh

for the petite young blonde's delicate ears. He succeeds putting

on the gimpy spare tire as the rescue truck calls. After much

debate they decide to proceed to Texas, but at a much lower

rate of speed.

After another hour or so, the tired young couple decide to pull

off in a rest stop and try to sleep a few hours. Not being able

to sleep well because it's freaking freezing, petite young blonde

decides to drive on mainly to get the heater going again.

After swapping places every few hours or so the young

couple finds themselves in Brandon, MS buying not one,

but 3 new tires and eating a greasy breakfast at the local

Kroger store.

Part Two

After consuming the unsatisfying greasy breakfast the petite

young blonde and hunky husband proceed back to Scotty's Tire

City and wait for the verdict on the bent rim of the van's tire

wheelie-thingy. Auto repair shops should consider hiring

therapists to consult with their customers after the bad news is

given. The rim, which if purchased new, will cost $500, however,

there is not one to be found in the state of Mississippi at 8:00am

on a Saturday. Even if there was one the young couple would

not even consider replacing it at that price UNLESS there was no

other way. The tire surgeons will try to work out the damage to

the rim, but it doesn't look good.

After more waiting and being yelled at by Fox News anchors on

the flat screen in the waiting room the petite young blond sees the

van being pulled into the parking lot. Cheers erupt!

The petite young blonde and hunky husband continue driving

down I20 towards Texas. Cheers erupt again as a new state line

is crossed.

Eighteen hours later the young couple find themselves at

their daughter's college and locate her suite which is on the

top floor - 3 flights up - no elevator. After 18 hours of driving

and 15 trips up and down the flight of stairs the petite young

blonde has decided she is no longer young, petite or even really

blonde any more. She also realizes the hunky husband no longer

has a six pack unless it's the one in the fridge.

The petite young blonde (I've held the illusion this long, why stop

now) is exhausted beyond belief, hungry for something substantial

and realizes she has no idea where her bra is, but may have left it

in the bathroom at a rest stop somewhere in Louisiana (the

underwire was poking her and making her cranky).

The car is packed, but now we wait for approval from the dorm

Nazi to leave. Does the petite young blonde, hunky husband

and Greece bound daughter start driving back...so far that

remains to seen.

Part Three

Yes, the travelers continue to, well, travel; they did stop at

the local Olive Garden for dinner where the petite young blonde

was splattered with tomato sauce when the waiter dropped the

plate. No worries...it just added to the whole ambiance of the trip

and by then delirium had set in and the trio laughed for quite

some time until people started to stare...which only made them

want to laugh more. So the trip to Georgia proceeds.

At this point the petite young blonde and the hunky husband

are mostly numb and driving by instinct. The night was rainy

and foggy, but fairly empty so they were making descent time.

Another nap at a rest stop at about 3:00am and then they were

back on the road.

Caffeinated to the hilt and on Milk Dud high all was well until

mile marker #83 on I-20E at 12:30pm on Sunday. Another east

bound traveler kindly honked their horn and pointed to the

right side back tire. Yes, dear reader, another flat...again.

The tired old fart and the stanky cranky hag got out of the car

to take a look and silently began unloading all the stuff that

was so recently packed with care only 14 hours prior. The tired

old fart replaces the new tire with the gimpy spare with the

speed of the father in the Christmas Story. It was daylight, no

longer raining and a state trooper even stopped to help, so no

worries of alien abductions or psycho killers coming around.

The Greece-bound daughter wonders out loud "are we going

to get lunch soon?" The stanky cranky hag shoots her a look

and has no words for her.

The stanky cranky hag decides that I-20 is cursed to anyone

in her immediate Tucker family as her father has lost not one,

but two, transmissions on the way from Texas to Georgia.

The decision is made that daughter number two WILL NOT

attend college any where that requires driving along I-20.

Applications are now being accepted from any thrill seekers

who wish to take the ride of their lives in September 2010

when the Greece-bound daughter is once again Sherman-bound

for the last time. The tired old fart will not be taking daughter

#1 back (he'll happily be back in school) and after this adventure

the stanky cranky hag's sister may reconsider. Who will it be?

Perhaps the stanky cranky hag's super buff gay friend with

super model looks? Hmmm, time will tell.

The stanky cranky hag is just happy that all is home safe

and plans on enjoying the Christmas season and the Greece-

bound daughter as much as possible until she leaves in January.

The stanky cranky hag has decided that Dorothy said it best,

"There's no place like home."