All She Wanted Was a Couple of Candles and Hair Conditioner

All she wanted was a couple of candles and hair conditioner.

Five minutes later she was walking into Walmart.
(first mistake)
Five minutes after that she was in the "SAVE TIME - SELF SERVE" line ; 4 candles, 1 bottle of conditioner, 1 box of hair color (blonde, of course), 5 bananas
(second mistake)
Reusable bag into the bagging area.
(third mistake)
Took bag off.
Hit button that says, "I brought my own bag."
Put bag back into the bagging area.
Swiped 4 candles, 1 conditioner, 1 box of hair color (blonde, of course), 5 bananas.
No sweat.
Time to enter the coupons.
(fourth mistake)
2 x $2.00 off large candles
2 x $1.00 off small candles
1 x $3.00 off box of hair color (blonde, of course)
1 x $1.50 off hair conditioner
"Please wait for assistance."
Register wasn't happy with the 2 $2.00 off coupons.
Cashier Assistant (CA) came over and took all items out of the reusable bag.
(fifth mistake)
CA punched a bunch of buttons.
CA canceled the order.
PYB explained the issue.
(sixth mistake)
CA didn't understand.
PYB explained the issue.
"You know what? Just take the two large candles off."
CA swiped 2 small candles, 1 conditioner, 1 box of hair color (blonde, of course), 5 bananas.
CA reswiped the one offending $2 coupon.
(seventh mistake)
CA called the Cashier Manager.
"Seriously, let's just take the candles off," she had been there a good 5 minutes at that point.
"NawIgonmakeitwark."
Huh?
It didn't work. Machine was opened, buttons were punched, "Themcandle'llbetrsmellgood," (huh?), more buttons punched.
(eighth mistake)
"CA,yougontakeherstufftoyurregstr."
Huh?
CA gathers up 2 small candles, 1 conditioner, 1 box of hair color (blonde, of course), 5 bananas.
20 minutes later the PYB was heading to her car.

Read her lips: She.will.never.shop.at.Walmart.again. EVER. The never-ending frustration sears her to her soul. That being said, CA and CM did their best to fix her problem....although it wasn't fixed completely. But seriously, has ANYONE gone through the self-checkout unscathed???

All she wanted was a couple of candles and hair conditioner.

The Daily Ryans......

The PYB has realized she has not shared The Daily Ryans with the blogosphere and has kept him all tied up on the Facebook page. Enjoy (she will....again).

Gonna Start Walking in the Morning? 7 Advantages and Disadvantages....

It's getting to be freaking HOT outside (umm, PYB...it's June. Yeah, she knows) so her on-again/off-again walking routine has Got.To.Change. Walking in the late afternoon or early evening is just out of the question unless you want to turn into a puddle. So, being that she must be at work by 7am to whip Boys 1-3 into shape for the day she has to now get up  at 4:30 to squeeze in the walk. Here are the advantages and disadvantages she has amassed thus far. 

ADVANTAGES: 

1. It gets it over for the day.

2. It eliminates the need to drink an entire pot of coffee in the morning. Three quarters of a pot works just fine.

3. Her legs feel great!

4. It's still dark. No one is around to see her sucking wind while trudging up The Hill of Death.

5. No need for slathering on sticky sunscreen which only makes her sweat more profusely when wearing it.

6. Most sane people are still in bed thereby eliminating the need to dodge cars while staggering down the road (no sidewalks in her neighborhood).

7. The cold shower afterwards feels delicious!

DISADVANTAGES: 

1. Getting up at 4:30am.

2. It's still freakin' hot.

3. Bedtime at 9pm is a necessity. That's hard for a lifetime night owl.

4. Her body is in complete shock and wants to know what the hell is going on. It's used to sitting quietly with a pot of coffee and NPR in the morning.

5. Every dog in the neighborhood knows she's walking by no matter how quiet she tries to be. The heavy breathing and wheezing might be a giveaway.

6. It does nothing to squelch her appetite in the a.m. She's ravenous.

7. She ends up going through 2 pairs of panties and two bras each day.

The PYB is hopeful that the advantages outweigh the disadvantages in the long run. Ok, she's gonna go take a nap.

8 Memories of Being a Mom....so far

The PYB has two daughters with whom is infinitely proud and loves more than life itself. As of this writing they are 24 (Caitlin) and 19 (Emma) which, of course, is hard to believe as most parents will understand. The cliche, "It's gone by so fast," isn't exactly a cliche; it's truth. Here are a few of the standout moments that The PYB hopes she'll always remember even when she's the Fat Old Bald Broad in room 422 who can't even remember her name and bites people.

1. The Births

The first pregnancy was scary as hell and worrisome, but she was SO relieved to have a daughter! The whole circumcision decision was a moot point and one less thing to worry about. Besides, the PYB didn't have brothers and had no idea what she would have done with a boy. Dressing a baby girl was much more fun! Pregnancy number two was pretty much textbook and, as with the first, she didn't know the sex of the baby. Et voila! Une autre fille! Another circumcision decision deflected! But seriously, the birth of a child truly takes one's ego and self-centeredness out of the picture and that is done freely.

The Emma

Caitlin and Emma

2. Toddler-hood

Who else but a toddler can find fascination in a blade of grass or spend hours with a $1 bag of plastic dinosaurs? Toddler-hood helps us grown-ups re-discover the glories in the mundane and everyday stuff.  Caitlin, who, by the way, came by her name from the back of an Elvis Costello album; his first wife was named Caitlin, came to work with her mother quite a bit during her toddler-hood years. The PYB worked at the High Museum of Art and had an office in the basement. Caitlin would spend the day in a ginormous box playing with her toys and accepting the admiration of the security guards who'd come in during their breaks. 

3. Soccer

Both the Petites Jeunes Filles Brunettes played soccer; Caitlin from first grade to college and Emma from age three to age 18 (her college soccer career was cut short by a major concussion 2 days into fall training).  The PYB had never experienced soccer before her daughters played and was soon an avid fan. For Caitlin, The PYB's best memory of her play was at a night game, U 16 or 17, and she made a goal from half field and it was bloody spectacular! The PYB just about lost her mind! It was truly beautiful. With Emma, a goalkeeper, the PYB's favorite memory was during a shoot-out for a tournament championship. She made what ended up being a game winning save only if the next player on her team scored. Emma was the next player on the team to kick and, yes, she scored. Again...the PYB lost her mind and she might have even cried over that one...

Young Keeper, Older Keeper, Defender/Middie/Forward

Soccer was their family time. It could not have been spent in a better way: together every weekend, fellowship with other families, a game that involved mind, body and spirit.  They even followed their Atlanta Beat, a WUSA professional women's soccer team, to North Carolina, Boston, and Philadelphia. Best summer EVER! She really does miss that now that they're grown.

4. College time for Caitlin

Caitlin...the girl who was so very shy most of her life, unless she was on a soccer field...the girl who a week before going to college wasn't comfortable even calling for a pizza...decided to go out of state for college. Truly shocking! Of course, the PYB was worried sick, but Caitlin did great. Not only did she graduate with a double major but she also went to Greece for a study abroad program and ended up staying six months, traveled to Spain, Turkey, Egypt (rode a camel and went to a soccer game  - women not allowed - hair tucked into a hoodie - NOT a good idea) and spent a month on an archeological dig in Greece and met Billy Zane. So glad she had those experiences. Caitlin has been to places the PYB will only see in photos.

Caitlin....in Eqypt....on a camel....duh.

5.  Emma and chorus

Emma's childhood dream was to be a singing waitress/dolphin trainer who lived in a pink house as the Princess of Woodstock, GA (we never lived there, but her aunt and cousins do). So, the dolphin trainer ambition fell to the wayside as did anything to do with the color pink, but the singing stayed true. She began chorus in 3rd grade and stuck with it throughout high school. PYB's proudest moment: the solo part in a Christmas performance. In true fashion the PYB didn't have extra batteries in her camera to film the entire song, but was able to record most of it. 

6. Books

Both of the PYB's daughters love to read! This makes her infinitesimally happy! It was touch and go with The Emma at first, but she eventually came around. 

7. Last year's Mother Day gift

It made more of a difference than they'll ever know and the PYB appreciates the effort it took...even though she's pretty sure it was their dad's idea. It hit home; where it was supposed to.

8. Love (this gets personal)

Caitlin & Emma - I love you. I love you more than there are stars in the sky. I truly can't believe your early lives were intrusted to me to grow and nurture. I am not worthy.  You've taught me more than I've ever taught you. Caitlin - I love your sense of adventure and knowledge. You are so smart; so much your father's daughter. I'm so happy you're working on the bookshop with us; I miss you not being at home. Emma - your dry sense of humor makes me laugh and I'm glad we share the love of all things vintage. You've been my favorite keeper and always will be although I'll miss watching you play, however, I'm glad your brain is still intact from hitting the ground so many times and that you're close by for college and happy.  ~ Mom

Bad Day/Bright Side?

Holy cow. In the PYB's quest to see the bright things in the dark she had her work cut out for her today. So here goes...

1. Even though it took 30 minutes to finally reach a live person at the mail order prescription place via her health plan  she managed NOT to stroke out although she could feel her blood pressure rising.

2. Even though she had two phone calls from superintendents that weren't happy and Boy 1, her boss, is on vay-cay, she was able to diffuse the situations.

3. Even though she had to fight rush hour traffic and go from one side of Atlanta to the other she managed not to go into full fledged road rage therefore not tripping the delicate balance that is her expired license.

4. Even though, after fighting the traffic, and after she treated herself to a Yogli Mogli, and finding her battery dead, she is grateful for her Rachel at her 2nd job who rescued her AND that she knows how to jump a car as this is a reoccurring issue for her.

5. Even though the mail order pharmacy called the PYB back but couldn't discuss why she was calling because the prescription was for her 18 yr daughter and the rep "can't discuss the reason for the call; please have your daughter call us back" even though the PYB ordered and paid for the prescription, she managed not to be completely and totally rude. (as it turns out it was just a courtesy call to let said daughter know when it will be mailed.  Damn HIPPA).

6. Even though it was an unusually weird & frustrating day she has a nice bottle of Riesling to sooth her and is just glad to be home.

Phobia

The day had been going so well.

She was productive at work even with the paranormal experience. She hit the library book sale and only made it to the fiction tables Z-S (she'll go back tomorrow). Then it was dinner at her favorite Mexican restaurant where she was leisurely enjoying an exquisite piece of grilled salmon atop a bed of spring mix with dried cranberries & almonds drizzled with a mango vinaigrette. Such a good day.

Until.

The Mariachis. 

Showed up.

Check please!

BIRTHDAY RANT AHEAD! WARNING!

She has to renew her Georgia driver's license as it expires TODAY. This is what she now needs to take with her to prove who she is:

1. Passport or birth certificate (certified!!)

2. Marriage certificate since her name is not the same as the one on her birth certificate

3. 2 proofs of address

4. 1 proof of social security number

She does not have her birth certificate and has sent away for that two weeks ago. She doesn't know how fast the Okies will get that back to her. She doesn't know where her marriage certificate is and JUST found out about that one today. It can be a photocopy but can't copy what you can't find.

She have lived here for 26 years. She has paid taxes here for 26 years. She has birthed two children here. She has received and paid traffic tickets here. If the State of Georgia doesn't know who she is by now then they're just too stupid.

THIS.IS.RIDICULOUS.

She's taking up a collection for the ticket she most definitely will get for driving with an expired license. She's gotta go to work for crying out loud. And, who knows, maybe they throw you in jail for it now.

Just damn, Georgia. Get.it.together.

A Break Up Letter to the Flu

Dear Flu,

The PYB is breaking up. It’s not her; it’s you.

Yes, at one time she was feverish over you and would strip down to nothingness just to cool off. But, you are a fickle one and would instantly chill her to the point of making her teeth chatter. There wasn't enough flannel in the house to make it stop. She wants no more of this!

Her body ached for you like none other. It wasn’t a longing type of ache but a reaching-into-her-bones-and-stirring-the-marrow kind of ache; one that hit her to the core of her being and bruised her from the inside out. She wants no more of this!

You tired her, so. The utter exhaustion you rained upon her wore thin.    And because of the pain you caused it has been hard for her to rest; she couldn't get it off her mind. She wants no more of this!

But, still, you didn't stop. You messed with her head: the headaches, the dizziness, the confusion. Tylenol would give her temporary relief, but she needs a healthy liver so Flu, you must go. She wants no more of this!

She has a new influence in her life now.

You see, the PYB has met Tami. Tami treats her well and soothes her pain and suffering. Tami may be expensive, but has proven to be worth every dollar. It was a rough night, but Tami got her through and is making you, you disgusting Flu, a slowly fading memory. Each day, she is certain, will get better from here on out and she has Tami to thank for that. 

Go on, now. Be gone. You are no longer wanted here...not that you ever were. If you even THINK about coming back, think again. Tami is introducing the PYB to the SHOT; known to be a bit of a prick, but loyal. She has quit you, Flu.

The Stranger Factor

Today the PYB was listening to a podcast called Snap Judgement. Several of the episodes are stories about lives being transformed by the act of a stranger. Here's the PYB's....

While at student at THE Ohio State University the PYB had a piddly, part-time job in a Fotomat booth. Remember those? Her shift was from 3p-7p and then she'd make a bank drop on her way home. 

This particular Monday was routine, but it was the Monday after the turning the clocks back so it was pretty dark by 7p. When she arrived at the bank she pulled up to the curb and got out of her car to put the deposit in the bank slot. The lights around the bank were out so it was fairly dark. As she made a few steps toward the building two men came running around the corner of the bank with pantyhose over their heads. Honestly, pantyhose. She thought that only happened in movies, “Son, you got a pantie on your head,” (Raising Arizona). Immediately, the PYB tried to dash back into her car and was screaming her head off, but she didn't get the door shut in time. The robbers pulled her out and punched her in the face to shut her up and her glasses went flying off. Still screaming like a madwoman (she was) she was fighting back and trying to get loose. The guys grabbed the deposit from her hand, all $90 of it, and her book bag which contained a Glamour magazine, a tampon and her wallet. The asshole who punched her gave her a push and then they were gone.

She was so stunned she just stood there for a moment and then tried to find her glasses. How could she drive home without them? Truly she’s blind without them. A car pulled up behind hers and, thinking it was the robbers again, she jumped into her car and squinted her way to the gas station next door to call the police. Yes, this happened before the advent of cell phones. She wasn't making any sense to the gas attendant in the glass box while trying to explain what had happened and that she needed the police when a voice behind her said, "Don't worry, we saw everything and my cousin is chasing after them." 

The voice belonged to a young woman named Carmen Kerr. She and her family had been walking back to their car from a restaurant and heard the PYB screaming. They were in the car that pulled up behind the PYB at the bank. Carmen hopped out and ran after the PYB to the gas station while the rest of her family followed the robbers in their car. Lo and behold, they got close enough to write down the license plate number and then drove to the gas station to talk to the police that had arrived. About twenty minutes later the assholes were caught on the other side of Columbus with the PYB’s book bag and deposit.

Because of the involvement of strangers the three thugs were caught. Two were brothers and one of them had just been released from jail; he’d been serving time for manslaughter. There had been four, but they kicked one guy out. There was, after all, only $90 in the envelope and they probably couldn’t divide that by four.

Carmen and her family very well could have saved the PYB’s life that night as the thugs had a sizable knife with them (it was left in her book bag after the trial was over). The assholes were sentenced to six to eight years and hopefully they served all of it, but probably not.

That night the PYB asked Carmen for her address. She knows she wanted to send her flowers, but doesn’t remember if she did or not. However, she does remember sending a thank you card. Carmen gave the PYB a deposit slip that had her name and address on it. It was from Society Bank. The PYB has kept that slip in her wallet all these years. She’s looking at it now. She often wonders where Carmen is and if she understands the impact she has had on a complete stranger’s life and if she even remembers the incident. 

The PYB certainly does.